everybody's taking off. when will it be my turn to fly?
I've finally brought up the big question. to my mom just now. prior to this, i prayed much, thought about it much and worried about it much.
Baptism is next week. It would be the 4th baptism that took place ever since I began seeking the truth at TJC. I was very resolved to get baptised, esp since God had been so kind to me and gave me the Holy Spirit. Lately too, I've been feeling intense guilt and unworthiness, as though filth from the sinful nature of the flesh is becoming too much for me to bear. I feel that sin is overwhelming me and there is this wanting to be washed.. by the blood of Christ. I have this strong yearning to start anew in the Lord, with a clean sheet, unblemished. I looked forward to the joy and peace that must follow baptism! The blood of Christ cleanses away all our sins, all our filthiness, all our imperfections and let us emerge a new man in Christ. I wanted just that. I wanted to devote my 3 months of school break to church work, fully commited to the Lord after baptism. I wanted to be a member of the Lord's household, to do a part for God. I especially hope to join the choir and sing for the upcoming hymnal evangelism.
All these, I suppressed within me. I didnt want to tell anyone. Only God knows my quiet plans. Of course, some asked me if i am getting baptised this May, I returned their question with a faint smile and a shrug. But do they see also the troubled look i held in my eyes straight after that? a moment whereby I seemed to be preoccupied by thoughts running through my head? All this time, i prayed hard to God, in the Spirit, in words, silently. For Him to open the way for me.
I didnt want to tell anyone because i didnt want to raise my hopes too high. I also didnt want to give myself a chance to grow proud. I was afraid of failures. I was afraid to lose my faith in God.
People have been telling me testimonies of how they also went ahead to get baptised without their parents' approval. I understand. and i also feel that i am mature enough to make this lifelong decision for myself. But the problem is not that. The problem is that i want my parents to be agreeable to my baptism, esp my mom. I dun want to cause her upset just because i insist to get baptised. She has enough things to be upset about already. I hope for her to understand from my point of view, why i want to get baptised, why i believe so strongly in God. I hoped to reached a mutual understanding with her. And baptism happens only once. I really wish my mom will be there to witness my baptism.
I tried my best to suppress all these thoughts. dun think anyone will truly understand because everyone face different circumstances in their lives. no two persons' lives are exactly the same. Some may see that i lack the faith to go for baptism. Why must i wait for my mom's approval? Just go for baptism and God will work out the way! True... with every step i had make in faith, God had truly rewarded me with much grace. With faith, i plucked out the courage and asked to go for theolo. Though i compromised and didnt stayover, God (and maybe even my mom) saw my perseverance in the faith and rewarded me with the Holy Spirit and i had gained a higher level of understanding of what i believe in. But no, I still hope for my mom to be agreeable before i go for baptism. she dun have to approve, as long as she dun disapprove. I hope God understands.
And so the words finally left my mouth (after like MANY silent praying to the Lord), and i was pleasantly surprised. My mom did not flare up. I knew immediately that God is faithful and He indeed open the way for you. We discussed briefly on the topic. Initially, i was quite sad as my aim was to be able to get baptised. But as expected, my mom does not agree to it. But i could tell that the Lord is working in her. She appeared to be becoming more accepting of my belief.
Her idea was "not now. not yet." and i know that her greatest concern was that i wouldnt offer her joss sticks shld anything happen to her. I can understand that. That's her worldview. That is what worries her - her afterlife. Her idea was that if i really want to get baptised, i can wait until the time im really gonna marry a christian. That isnt too late, according to her. She commented that actually, to get baptised or not doesnt really matter.
I didnt want to appear to be insistent in what i had set my mind on doing, disregarding her opinions. So most of the time, I stood silent and listened to her. At appropriate and necessary times, i spoke up. She remembered what i told her about the Holy Spirit and still thinks that i am crazy. I wanted so much to tell her that the reason i want to get baptised is to finally commit myself to the Lord and in churchwork. But i know that she wouldnt find the idea appealing so I kept it in my heart. We talked about cases of pple close to us who got baptised but also are still suffering. I just listened. There's my paternal grandparents, my uncle's family and the most recent case, my mom's aunt. My mom had seen too much of the ugly side of christianity as well as the ugly side of life to be able to put her trust on something again.
But I really thank God because my mom and me could talk and discuss about it rather peacefully. She insist "not yet, not now" and say "maybe a year or two more". After i told her its a half-a-year thing, she seems open to baptism in Nov. I know she is concerned about me too, saying that i've only been in church for a year or two. Must i make such a big decision right now? She say i should give more time to think about it first. Haha but she later joke that actually is give them (plus my father) more time to think about it. -_-"
yep.. so somehow, i am feeling glad at heart, that i have reached yet another level of mutual understanding with my mama about matters of faith. Although feeling sad too, that i cant get baptised this May (again), it is true that it is kind of rushed already. I mean the baptism is just next week. There is no time to prepare my heart. Yes, i shld have asked abt it earlier but i was really afraid of the outcomes.. But thank God, it didnt turn out bad at all. The only minus point is that i wont be getting baptised and wun be joining the Lord's household just yet. I decided that if I really do not get baptised this May, I will use the next half a year to persuade my parents with my actions. So that, they truly see the positive change in me and my perserverance in the faith and agree to my baptism in Nov. I am just worried that I might grow weak and fall away, forgetting this goal of mine. Moreover, Nov's baptism will likely fall during my exam period then.. Please encourage me and pray for me until the day i get baptised!
Also hope that God's Spirit will not be disappointed with me and leave me. I myself am disappointed that I wouldnt be able to join in much churchwork and choir just yet..
anyway, will ask my mom one last time tmr about baptism.
Hallelujah, thank you, Lord Jesus.
Baptism is next week. It would be the 4th baptism that took place ever since I began seeking the truth at TJC. I was very resolved to get baptised, esp since God had been so kind to me and gave me the Holy Spirit. Lately too, I've been feeling intense guilt and unworthiness, as though filth from the sinful nature of the flesh is becoming too much for me to bear. I feel that sin is overwhelming me and there is this wanting to be washed.. by the blood of Christ. I have this strong yearning to start anew in the Lord, with a clean sheet, unblemished. I looked forward to the joy and peace that must follow baptism! The blood of Christ cleanses away all our sins, all our filthiness, all our imperfections and let us emerge a new man in Christ. I wanted just that. I wanted to devote my 3 months of school break to church work, fully commited to the Lord after baptism. I wanted to be a member of the Lord's household, to do a part for God. I especially hope to join the choir and sing for the upcoming hymnal evangelism.
All these, I suppressed within me. I didnt want to tell anyone. Only God knows my quiet plans. Of course, some asked me if i am getting baptised this May, I returned their question with a faint smile and a shrug. But do they see also the troubled look i held in my eyes straight after that? a moment whereby I seemed to be preoccupied by thoughts running through my head? All this time, i prayed hard to God, in the Spirit, in words, silently. For Him to open the way for me.
I didnt want to tell anyone because i didnt want to raise my hopes too high. I also didnt want to give myself a chance to grow proud. I was afraid of failures. I was afraid to lose my faith in God.
People have been telling me testimonies of how they also went ahead to get baptised without their parents' approval. I understand. and i also feel that i am mature enough to make this lifelong decision for myself. But the problem is not that. The problem is that i want my parents to be agreeable to my baptism, esp my mom. I dun want to cause her upset just because i insist to get baptised. She has enough things to be upset about already. I hope for her to understand from my point of view, why i want to get baptised, why i believe so strongly in God. I hoped to reached a mutual understanding with her. And baptism happens only once. I really wish my mom will be there to witness my baptism.
I tried my best to suppress all these thoughts. dun think anyone will truly understand because everyone face different circumstances in their lives. no two persons' lives are exactly the same. Some may see that i lack the faith to go for baptism. Why must i wait for my mom's approval? Just go for baptism and God will work out the way! True... with every step i had make in faith, God had truly rewarded me with much grace. With faith, i plucked out the courage and asked to go for theolo. Though i compromised and didnt stayover, God (and maybe even my mom) saw my perseverance in the faith and rewarded me with the Holy Spirit and i had gained a higher level of understanding of what i believe in. But no, I still hope for my mom to be agreeable before i go for baptism. she dun have to approve, as long as she dun disapprove. I hope God understands.
And so the words finally left my mouth (after like MANY silent praying to the Lord), and i was pleasantly surprised. My mom did not flare up. I knew immediately that God is faithful and He indeed open the way for you. We discussed briefly on the topic. Initially, i was quite sad as my aim was to be able to get baptised. But as expected, my mom does not agree to it. But i could tell that the Lord is working in her. She appeared to be becoming more accepting of my belief.
Her idea was "not now. not yet." and i know that her greatest concern was that i wouldnt offer her joss sticks shld anything happen to her. I can understand that. That's her worldview. That is what worries her - her afterlife. Her idea was that if i really want to get baptised, i can wait until the time im really gonna marry a christian. That isnt too late, according to her. She commented that actually, to get baptised or not doesnt really matter.
I didnt want to appear to be insistent in what i had set my mind on doing, disregarding her opinions. So most of the time, I stood silent and listened to her. At appropriate and necessary times, i spoke up. She remembered what i told her about the Holy Spirit and still thinks that i am crazy. I wanted so much to tell her that the reason i want to get baptised is to finally commit myself to the Lord and in churchwork. But i know that she wouldnt find the idea appealing so I kept it in my heart. We talked about cases of pple close to us who got baptised but also are still suffering. I just listened. There's my paternal grandparents, my uncle's family and the most recent case, my mom's aunt. My mom had seen too much of the ugly side of christianity as well as the ugly side of life to be able to put her trust on something again.
But I really thank God because my mom and me could talk and discuss about it rather peacefully. She insist "not yet, not now" and say "maybe a year or two more". After i told her its a half-a-year thing, she seems open to baptism in Nov. I know she is concerned about me too, saying that i've only been in church for a year or two. Must i make such a big decision right now? She say i should give more time to think about it first. Haha but she later joke that actually is give them (plus my father) more time to think about it. -_-"
yep.. so somehow, i am feeling glad at heart, that i have reached yet another level of mutual understanding with my mama about matters of faith. Although feeling sad too, that i cant get baptised this May (again), it is true that it is kind of rushed already. I mean the baptism is just next week. There is no time to prepare my heart. Yes, i shld have asked abt it earlier but i was really afraid of the outcomes.. But thank God, it didnt turn out bad at all. The only minus point is that i wont be getting baptised and wun be joining the Lord's household just yet. I decided that if I really do not get baptised this May, I will use the next half a year to persuade my parents with my actions. So that, they truly see the positive change in me and my perserverance in the faith and agree to my baptism in Nov. I am just worried that I might grow weak and fall away, forgetting this goal of mine. Moreover, Nov's baptism will likely fall during my exam period then.. Please encourage me and pray for me until the day i get baptised!
Also hope that God's Spirit will not be disappointed with me and leave me. I myself am disappointed that I wouldnt be able to join in much churchwork and choir just yet..
anyway, will ask my mom one last time tmr about baptism.
Hallelujah, thank you, Lord Jesus.
