Sunday May 20, 2007 Love FeastA day of love and feasting in the house of our God. Feasting on the love that binds us in Christ. My first love feast. Also went visiting in the afternoon. Also my first visiting. (: But actually throughout the day, I had a murmuring heart.
(oh, just found out it's emm's birthday as well! :P)
Today, Monday May 21, 2007 Tampines BSI think it's only my second time having Bible Study with the Tampines fellowship group, but today was a good one i thought. A sister shared a few testimonies, which although some sounded blunt, they felt very real to me.
Which brings me to today's topic. A friend once told me that she felt that a few of her colleagues were 'very real'. They were from ITE, i guess not very highly-educated but my friend was sharing with me how she felt that they were really very 'real' or in other words, sincere in their speech and actions. I am not saying that ITE students are different or weird or anything like that. But perhaps, their simple-mindedness brought about this kind of sincerity in their speech and conduct. Again, I don't mean simple-mindedness as in stupid or anything like that. But I am refering to the simple-mindedness of not having been stained by the foolishness of the world.
This came to mind today when that sister shared testimonies and asked questions, albeit somewhat bluntly, but with a sincere heart. She openly voiced out the imperfections of men and how hard it is to be like Christ. She asked questions like "can we do this? can we do that?" which I thought was very courageous of her. Not many Christians even bother to question anymore.
And I thought about myself. How real have I really been? I pondered over my conduct, and began to see the mask that I had been wearing, and which I hope to remove by confessing them over here. I began to see that I am beginning to do certain things for the mere sake of showing people. I don't know if I am being too harsh on myself, but I am fearful of the person that I may be slowly becoming. On Sunday, I wasn't too pleased with the way certain things turned out. That was the reason for my murmuring. But if you will allow me some space to defend myself, I did fight to keep that murmuring down. Later, I felt hurt too, because I felt that I have been excluded from things far too often..
Anyway, I am afraid of the mask that I might be wearing. Like I always talk about being there for the younger ones, and trying my best to be a good guide for them. But am I really such a person, from within? Or am I just putting on a show for them to 'emulate', but deep down inside im actually ugly and wrinkled? I am really scared, cos sometimes I don't know if Im being real or fake... :S
And then I see this sister, who sincere in her speech and actions. She might not seem to be that beautiful, that perfect outwardly (in terms of speech and actions), but there is sincerity in her. I start to wonder if I am looking beautiful outwardly, but inside it is actually a hollow? People might think that I am glowing in the Lord, but God actually knew what is really happening. I don't want it this way! And I also realise that I don't question anymore. As though fearful of being laughed at. Especially those seemingly basic questions on faith and doctrine. But why should I feel this way? What am I thinking?
I need more time to think, to repent, to pray. I need more time for Him.
