the time of singing has come!

Interviews always shake the confidence I thought I have.

Perhaps it is a true reflection of what I really am. Or is it just a snapshot of the moment?

I'm not sure if this path will be opened for me.. If not, I'll be back to square one?

If yes, will I drift away from God, the only source of my motivation now?

Labels: contemplation

I write to make myself feel better.

Because in words, letters mixed and matched to form words, I feel safe. I can make sense of what's going on within my head. I can motivate myself, correct myself, comfort myself, as though another being is doing it. I can be me, while I be the other. So when I am weak, I can indulge in being me. When I am strong, I can be the other.

It's not as complicated as it sounds..... I am just trying to create some confusion.. so that you can understand what's going on within my head right now.

The truth is, I'm not sure. My head feels empty. I feel happy.

Or is it my head feels happy, but I feel empty?

Haahs.

Is this trusting in Him? Because I just live from day to day and I try not to even think about tomorrow. I just take the day as it comes, as it is, and do my best. And at the end of the day, I pamper myself, I relax, I go to bed.

It's not that I have nothing to look forward to. I am definitely waiting for Jesus' coming again. And in the next few months, there are exciting (?) new changes awaiting me. But in the here and now? I'm not sure...

Something seems wrong hey? I probably have to spend more time with God. That's probably it.

Labels: random

Home visits often give me much food for thought.

One is from such a pious Buddhist family, with really kind parents. They even offered me a ride to my next home visit!
The other's background is such a contrast, living in a one-room apartment, and being heavily subsidized. But what a mature and sensible boy that sometimes I would even wonder if he is a fourteen-year-old! Despite being mildly intellectually disabled, the maturity and sensibility he shows melt my heart and brought tears to his mother's eyes.

I.. really want to share the greatest gift with him - of knowing the true God and having Him to guide and strengthen all the days of our lives. But I dare not... Not yet... And I dare not even plan or think of ways of how I may bring him and his family to church. I dare not imagine how church may help this family. I dare not imagine that God would heal him. I dare not imagine that being in church would definitely make his life better.

I dare not..because I really want to. And I really pray so. But what if God's will isn't how I imagine it to be? What if God has other plans for him?

I dare not think too much nor plan too far ahead. I think what I can do is just to use the love of Jesus to love this dear boy and family while praying for a chance to bring them to church, to bring them before God Himself, and also pray that I have the wisdom to see that chance and to grab hold of it.

I dare not take things into my own hands. I dare not rush into things. I shall keep this in my heart. I must pray over this for a while.

Dear Lord Jesus, will You please have mercy?

Labels: contemplation

It is really not easy to guard one's heart.