the time of singing has come!

Perpetually sad.
Deriving joy from others' smiles.

Constantly lonely.
Needing God's abidance.

Always questioning.
Seeking His comforting answers.

Crying is the best way I express myself. It is the universal language that all can understand, and which God understands the best.

I hate the ups and downs of my emotional cycle. I hate being so emotional. If this is because I am a woman, I hate being one. I hate weeping and wailing when I know I have the grace of salvation and the Holy Spirit's help. But these can't stop the tears from flowing down, despite knowing that God is with me. A sister told me it's ok to cry. Cry when you feel sad, laugh when you are happy. I guess being a Christian doesn't mean that you have to be devoid of all extreme emotions. I like this advice.

Then today, I was told by another to be resilient. Don't be upset by what she says if you can. It is no good to be upset. But I don't want to not feel. I don't want to be unaffected by what my loved ones say about my religion. I don't want to be hardened in my heart towards their opinions. I want to feel. I want to be upset when they don't agree with my faith. I want to cry for them. I don't want to be resilient. I want to drown in my tears. At least for tonight.

How long more, O Lord?
How many more, God?

I am afraid that I cannot last any much longer.

Is time really the factor? Will time really make all things right? I don't believe that time is the big factor here.

If You are willing, Lord, now can be the time.

For them to believe.
For me to serve.

thank God for a wonderful blessed day.

sunday youth
excursion on a yellow van
visiting of love, with song and balloon
fellowship through accounting and math homework
amk bible study

*SMILES*

I had a funny recollection of what happened on Wednesday. It was the day when I woke up at 9am, the earliest ever since I got back. However, it was because I had a headache the night before and had to rest early. But nevertheless, I remembered that morning I woke up feeling refreshed and good and this thought came to me.

"Im having a good life! Simply waking up each day to spend time with God, through his Word and through hymns of praises."

Almost like in a monastery. lol. But its different. I really enjoy the time spent with God.

And that was when I receive a call from a job agency, introducing me to a job that would most probably take up all my time until my new school semester starts. I was tempted. Imagine the money I can earn and save up. But why did such an offer come when I was just beginning to enjoy this kind of carefree life with God? I had already set my mind to lead this kind of lifestyle until my school reopens! Yet now, a test.

Thank God the girl did not call me back. So, no job. But good life. Think it might have been a test from God. Or a temptation from the devil. Haha.. But it's all good now. (:

I shall enjoy the rest of my vacation in an intensive training programme in the wilderness with God!

Here I am Lord seeking to do your will,
seeking to confirm I am surrendered still.
Here I am sincerely yearning to know,
in just which direction you desire I should go.

Here I am giving You complete control,
of my heart my mind my body and my soul.
Here I am on bended knee, surrendering
my every thought and dream to Thee.

I'm asking to be made competent,
so I may fulfill my destiny, as is your intent.
Use me Father to bridge any gap,
between what folks have and what they lack.

Use me to embrace those who need it today,
and to chase their heartfelt despair away.
Use me to feed the hungry or quench a thirst;
use me Father to erase the enemy's curse.

Allow me to love others as you love me,
revealing they alone decide their final destiny.
Perhaps I could offer up heartfelt prayer,
to show the hurting masses how much you care.

I know not where I may best serve you today,
therefore I surrender completely as I kneel to pray.
Here I am Lord awaiting your direction,
because without you I'm but worthless imperfection.
(email from TJC TK)

主啊！我的心在呼叫你！
你听见了吗？

我干旱的心田需要你的灌溉。
我饥渴的心灵在等待你的充满。

主啊！难道你忘了我吗？
忘了我家人了吗？
若你不先打开人的心怀，
人又如何转向你呢？

神造万物，各按其时成为美好。
主啊，求你让我明白
等待主时何等美丽！
求你让我相信坚持到底的
将有生命的冠冕存留给他。
也赐我力量
做成忍耐的功课。

神啊！原谅我的愚昧！
求你不可计较我的软弱，
否则我必不能在你面前站立
我的过犯也将成为我们之间的距离。

神啊！恳求你再次的接纳我！
让我学会在灵里的坚强，信心，
等待你的时候
等待你的应许成就。

让我所流的泪都寄托在你瓶里。
等到我在天上与你相见时，
那时我必明白。
我们便能一同望着瓶里的泪水
有默契的笑着。

All that my soul longs for
It is just You, O Lord of my heart.

Your Spirit compels me.
I dance with the Spirit's rejoicing,
I mourn with the Spirit in sorrow.

It is almost like you are me,
and I am you.

I desire to know what You desires.
I long after Your heart,
pant for Your ways,
seek after Your will.

But the wretched man that I am
makes me lose my standing in front of the Holiest,
time and again.
Not even worthy to crawl to Your feet.

Helpless,
Weak,
Poor,
when I'm without Your abiding presence.

Confused,
Lost,
when I forget to put You as my focus.

I yearn to give You my heart,
To give You all that I have.
But what do I have?
At times, I even lose sight of my own heart.
Lost it in the pursue of something I thought was better.

You are better.
Better than the riches of the world
Better than the kinship blood relatives share
Better than the fellowship brethren enjoy
Better than the love between a man and his wife.

Tasted what is really good,
Only then can I understand what is worth pursuing.
I want to run after You forever.

This is the race I have registered
And I will train
And I will run
And I will persevere
Until I see the finishing line
Until I see You there waiting for me
Until that day when I shall meet You
Face-to-face.

And You shall tell me all things
And I shall understand all things
And I shall dwell in Your presence forever.

I shall be like You
on that day.



I desire nothing else now,
except You.

I am at my lowest right now. I know it has only been barely hours since my last post. You must be puzzled by my sudden change in mood.

My mom rejected my invitation again. I hate harbouring high hopes that she will come today only to have them dashed again. I thought God might just work with me this time round. I am reminded of the days when I was still praying for the Holy Spirit. It's almost like that. Harbouring high hopes each time that God will grant me the HS only to end each prayer utterly disappointed.

Why? Why the extreme change in my moods? At least something good came out of this. I think I came to a realization that these moods and emotions I am experiencing are actually not entirely of the Spirit. I am referring to my extreme joy just two hours ago and the lowest peak I am feeling right now. I had thought the joy I had came from God, until my emotions suddenly just dropped to the lowest peak. It can't be the moving of the Holy Spirit. He is not extreme. I realised it had always been me. I am still allowing my own fleshly emotions and desires to overwhelm me. When all goes well, it is my fleshly pride that produced my fleshly joy. Because this joy is not sustained by God, it disappeared once setbacks came along.

I believed if the joy had come from God, or that I had indeed had the fullness of the Spirit's indwelling, this obstacle I face now would not have the capability to drop me to the lowest pit. Am I too harsh on myself? I really don't know. I just feel that my mom needs God, but she is hindering herself from touching Him. What should I do? I only hope for my family to understand my zeal for God and how amazing God is. I only wish for a family's united belief in the one true God, to worship Him together. I know we need Him. But when will God open their hearts? Have I not been doing enough? How do I share God with a bunch of uninterested people, who happens to be my closest kin?

God, I need more training. I'm sorry. :'(

真开心！真开心喔！
感谢主今天的查经很顺利。 I am able to share most of what I had prepared. Indeed, our labour in the Lord is not in vain. It's like my first time leading a proper Bible Study Session. And, in Mandarin! With a chinese Bible. But not bad. It was a really good experience, from the preparing, pondering, reflecting, dissecting, analysing, to the expressing into words, conveying to brethren, sharing of thoughts, discussing and debating. This process really edified me so much. I learnt so much more about Elijah than what I had previously thought I knew. I really enjoyed this entire process, even though it meant sleepless nights (as in, cannot sleep until it is done!). God's Spirit sustained me, and His Word enticed me the more and more I read. So sweet! (:

Thank you, God, so much for this chance to serve You in this manner. I was really excited to see my name on the duty sheet. At first, I was hesitant and slightly worried about it, based on my experience in UK. But I know that God is guiding step by step. He wants me to use what I had previously learnt (from my Edinburgh's experience) for the Bible leading this time round. 用心良苦！Really thank You for the training that You are giving me now. I know what is it that You want for me now, and I want to fully submit to Your plan.

Aaahh I'm feeling so happy now!
But cannot let such joy overwhelm me! Must still keep a teachable heart and learn from people around me.

But. So happy it went alright! Felt God's abiding presence throughout and it feels really good! Hope my words were exactly what God would like for me to say. And hope everyone else was edified as well.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

The clock reads 4:00am.
Ok, now what?

The still air in the room.
The paralysis of the surroundings.
The almost deafening silence.

*uh-oh*

Phew. Thank God for msn. :X
The constant typing broke the deafening silence.
The movement of the fingers gave life to the inanimate surroundings.
Her breathing manipulated the air around her.

Not a single yawn,
After 3 cups of milk.

Not a single rub of the eye,
After staring at her lappie for hours.

Eeks this is bad.