Shame on me!
i made a long list of to-dos during my exam period. and ever since my exams ended, i have been keeping my eyes to it, trying to keep myself busy with the list of things to do. out of the looong list, probably only one or two, it later dawned on me, pertained to the matters of God.
The most important thing to be done is to find a job or jobs. I seriously need to earn money to well, sustain myself. Ha, nope i am not a shopaholic or anything like that. but the financial burden on my family is really too great le. It often pains me to see my parents working so hard. I wish to lessen their burden and earn my own subsistence, esp for the coming sem and probably see if i can earn enough to stay hostel?
This and some other chores started to cloud my vision and i guess i gradually cant see God anymore. The thought of missing spiritual meeting actually EVEN cross my mind when i realised the Expo Food fair lobang will be during church midyr spiritual meeting! cos the food fair will pay well.. so i thought i shldnt miss it. i mean, i wasnt rEALly thinking of missing spiritual meeting but i didnt thought that i would DEFINITELY wont miss it, you see.
The wake up call came from a younger sister in church. We met at the busstop before friday service and we chatted. I was quite ashamed when she could tell me decisively "then dun do the food fair la" and that "God will provide" or was it "trust God", well somewhere along that line.. At that moment, i felt that i was of little faith!! so ashamed of myself that i need a younger sister to tell me all this! At this point, i knew seriously that i need to turn my feet back towards God. I was losing my trust and faith in God that He will provide. His grace is sufficient for me. He will never let me (or my family) go hungry. And so yes, Thank God for the wake up call. I shall not take up the food fair lobang! well, unless i can skip 2 days for spiritual meeting. God will bless those who put their trust in Him to guide their path.
And so, i need to also turn back my vision to see God. I must remember my promise to Him, that my top priority during this 3 months of break is to serve Him in any and every way possible. To put Him as my FIRST priority.
But actually i was feeling quite down again yesterday. I guessed what triggered it was that i missed the church bus but i am sure that i was not late! ): haii. then what follows was a series of thoughts that was not in any way edifying to my faith. i start to see myself being lonely in church again and that whenever i became weak in faith, there wasnt anyone readily by my side to encourage me. I know. I know. that faith is between me and God. i know too that i can ask God to increase my faith. But i felt that at times, i really need someone to give me a push. someone who shares in my faith and beliefs in God. Its like i feel that God is stretching His merciful hand to me and i am also trying my best to reach him with my outstretched hand but i just cant reach Him!! This is when i feel that i needed that push. from someone who shares in my faith and shares in my fear of losing sight of God. That is what the Church is for, isn't it? That is why Jesus emphasized on fellowship. That is why we have Holy Communion. All this to tell us we are not alone in our faith in Christ.
I still feel that i am lacking that someone in Church. Someone who will rebuke me when i do wrong. Someone who listens to me and understands my difficulties and troubles. Someone who prays with me. Someone who shares in my joy of working for God. Someone who i can relate to.
But am i wrong? Am i blinded by my own desires? Have i lose sight of God if i keep thinking in this way? Am i not counting my blessings from God? I mean, sure i have people who i sit with in church, people who i can talk briefly to... Is this supposed to be enough? Or shld i stop looking out and start looking within? Establish a closer r/s with those people i am currently talking to? If they dun seem to be as zealous as you would like them to be, then change them! Is this the way? Maybe i keep wanting to take the easy way out.. i want people to change ME, to motivate ME, instead of me motivating them..
Sigh. I need more faith in God. I pray for a way out from all these. Am still praying for my family to accept me being a Christian. I must learn not to let people's opinions and ideas interfere with my own. Pray for me, will ya?
The most important thing to be done is to find a job or jobs. I seriously need to earn money to well, sustain myself. Ha, nope i am not a shopaholic or anything like that. but the financial burden on my family is really too great le. It often pains me to see my parents working so hard. I wish to lessen their burden and earn my own subsistence, esp for the coming sem and probably see if i can earn enough to stay hostel?
This and some other chores started to cloud my vision and i guess i gradually cant see God anymore. The thought of missing spiritual meeting actually EVEN cross my mind when i realised the Expo Food fair lobang will be during church midyr spiritual meeting! cos the food fair will pay well.. so i thought i shldnt miss it. i mean, i wasnt rEALly thinking of missing spiritual meeting but i didnt thought that i would DEFINITELY wont miss it, you see.
The wake up call came from a younger sister in church. We met at the busstop before friday service and we chatted. I was quite ashamed when she could tell me decisively "then dun do the food fair la" and that "God will provide" or was it "trust God", well somewhere along that line.. At that moment, i felt that i was of little faith!! so ashamed of myself that i need a younger sister to tell me all this! At this point, i knew seriously that i need to turn my feet back towards God. I was losing my trust and faith in God that He will provide. His grace is sufficient for me. He will never let me (or my family) go hungry. And so yes, Thank God for the wake up call. I shall not take up the food fair lobang! well, unless i can skip 2 days for spiritual meeting. God will bless those who put their trust in Him to guide their path.
And so, i need to also turn back my vision to see God. I must remember my promise to Him, that my top priority during this 3 months of break is to serve Him in any and every way possible. To put Him as my FIRST priority.
But actually i was feeling quite down again yesterday. I guessed what triggered it was that i missed the church bus but i am sure that i was not late! ): haii. then what follows was a series of thoughts that was not in any way edifying to my faith. i start to see myself being lonely in church again and that whenever i became weak in faith, there wasnt anyone readily by my side to encourage me. I know. I know. that faith is between me and God. i know too that i can ask God to increase my faith. But i felt that at times, i really need someone to give me a push. someone who shares in my faith and beliefs in God. Its like i feel that God is stretching His merciful hand to me and i am also trying my best to reach him with my outstretched hand but i just cant reach Him!! This is when i feel that i needed that push. from someone who shares in my faith and shares in my fear of losing sight of God. That is what the Church is for, isn't it? That is why Jesus emphasized on fellowship. That is why we have Holy Communion. All this to tell us we are not alone in our faith in Christ.
I still feel that i am lacking that someone in Church. Someone who will rebuke me when i do wrong. Someone who listens to me and understands my difficulties and troubles. Someone who prays with me. Someone who shares in my joy of working for God. Someone who i can relate to.
But am i wrong? Am i blinded by my own desires? Have i lose sight of God if i keep thinking in this way? Am i not counting my blessings from God? I mean, sure i have people who i sit with in church, people who i can talk briefly to... Is this supposed to be enough? Or shld i stop looking out and start looking within? Establish a closer r/s with those people i am currently talking to? If they dun seem to be as zealous as you would like them to be, then change them! Is this the way? Maybe i keep wanting to take the easy way out.. i want people to change ME, to motivate ME, instead of me motivating them..
Sigh. I need more faith in God. I pray for a way out from all these. Am still praying for my family to accept me being a Christian. I must learn not to let people's opinions and ideas interfere with my own. Pray for me, will ya?
