hello, I am back. I feel like I have been away for some time. When I reached home today around evening, I had this feeling that "I am finally home." It has been a long walk, a painful trial. But I thank God that He pulled me through. I was not forced to be involved in any of the rites and rituals. I stood by one side and watched them.
It was also quite a test, because I realised that if I didn't keep watch, I could easily fall into the devil's trap. At times, I almost subconsciously held the view that my grandpa's spirit was there, just that I can't take part in those rituals with the rest of my family. This mindset probably came easy for me 'cause I grew up in this kind of environment and belief. I caught myself in time! I had to remind myself that my grandpa was already long gone, and that he will not return anymore. Probably my family did not understand this worldview of mine, that's why they cannot accept why I cannot join in the rituals for my grandpa. They only saw that I was restricted by my religion, but didn't understand that I don't even believe that my grandpa was still around.
In fact, I realised that my grandpa was really gone on Thursday when I went down to the wake after church. I was really afraid and unsure of how I would react when I would finally see my grandpa's body. Thank God too, that there were church brethren who went down with me. Before we left, I went to take a look at my grandpa. My first thought was, he looked so different. And he was really skinny, his head was like only a skull, and his eye sockets were so sunkened. Actually, I realised that as I am writing this now, I have already forgotten how he really looked like in the coffin. Perhaps it's because I rather choose to remember how he had looked like while he was still alive.
Why did I say that I had the realisation that he was really gone that day? The moment I saw his body, I thought to myself that this isn't my grandpa. He looked so different, so plastic. Then, I realised that it was only a body lying there. He was really gone. And I also marvelled how the spirit or the soul gives life to the body. Not life, as in the tangible life given by God. But life, as in the adjective life. And that once the soul leaves the body, the body accounts for nothing. It's so... amazing. Life, given by God, is so amazing. I don't know how to describe it. It's like, life is a miracle. Everyone of us living and breathing right now is a miracle.
Anyway, that realisation did make me sad for a while, but I realised it was also then that I slowly recovered, knowing that I can't turn back the clock, neither can my grandpa come back to life again. Although it might seem to you that I needed only one day to recover from my grief, I have to say that it felt like weeks to me. The past weeks felt like months. I felt that I had been in a perpetual heightened-arousal state for very long. I had been kept in anxiety, kept in uncertainty, kept in grief.... I am better now. I just need some sleep, some rest, some time to myself to integrate these information into my memory so that I can accept it, keep it in memory, and move on.
Today at the cremation, when the coffin was pushed in, my aunts, uncles, grandma, mom,... cried for my grandpa. But as for myself, I realised that my grieving was done by the time I was given the realization that he was gone. I had grieved then, cried uncontrollably... My mom and relatives exhibited somewhat delayed grief... think the preparation of the wake and funeral kept them busy and prevented them from directly thinking about the death of my grandpa. Now that the funeral is all over, I think the pain and loss will set in now... (hmm, it really fits with what I learned in trauma psychology man.. ) I hope to be there for my mom if she needs me. But theolo starts tmr night....
I still have one more paper to go. Tuesday evening. Sometimes, I also wish that I have someone to talk with. But I can't seem to find the perfect person at the right time. Sometimes, when I have the person at the needed time, the words can't flow. I don't know what to say. It's like I have so much to say I don't know where to begin. I wish I have someone who will just sit by me all day long, and I can just talk whenever I feel like it, or whenever the words had come to me. Someone who will understand and comprehend what I am saying even when I sound incoherent or when my limited vocabulary can't express myself adequately. Someone sitting on the swing next to mine, with no time constraint. I wish also that I have the time for that. (Have I written this paragraph before?)
But I know too that that someone can only be God. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Why can't we have someone on earth that can almost understand us like God does? I know why. But sometimes.. sometimes lah.. it's just kind of sad. Sometimes you desperately need that human touch.
Actually, speaking of all these... I realised I have not chat with God for quite some time. hai, I missed like the entire Spiritual Meeting this time round loh. I don't know what God has in store for me... but perhaps He was trying to wrap up things for me so that I can fully devote my time and spirit into theolo?
In any case, I am really thankful and grateful to my friends and church brethren who came and support me at the wake. Three groups, each taking their turn to accompany me throughout the last night of the wake. So grateful leh. Truly truly touched. Because I know that all of you must be so tired already by the time you came down from church. Thanks to my psych friends too. The mere action of taking the time to come down for me speaks a lot already. I don't know if you guys will ever read this, but I feel that somehow my friendship with you guys has improved this semester and I'm glad. Maybe previous semester I was too aloof. haa.
Also similarly thankful and grateful to those who offered words of encouragement. I will remember each of your encouragement.
I think I have to put a full stop to this chapter. It should have already ended the day my grandpa passed away. I think I will still feel sad whenever I think about my grandpa, but I have to stop dwelling on it right? I have to move on right? Sorry I am just babbling and babbling away here but like I said, I feel that I have so much to say, but the words just don't flow.
Ok, I shall just stop here. I might have grammatical, semantic, punctuation, syntactic, or spelling (What else?) errors, but please close one eye k? (Maybe I should have gotten you to pray that you will understand what I write before you started reading! :X ) I am lazy to proofread what I have just written.
