the time of singing has come!

我很不开心。

what could previously fill me with joy no longer have the 'magic' anymore.

i don't find them adorable anymore.
in fact, i detest their behaviour.
their rowdy, loud behaviours.

i just wanted to get today's lessons over and done with.
i didn't want to have anything more to do with them.
i don't want to hear about what happen to them after school, or who push who, or who scolded who bad words.
i don't care anymore whether they can get along or not.
i just wanted to get away from them.

and it isn't making it any better that i can't find any one here to confide in.
someone whom i can trust.

i want to say out loud,
"I had enough.
I'm outta here."
but i can't.

if i fail being a teacher,
what else did i succeed in?

nothing much

and there is a class observation tmr.
im so confident she will be able to tell how enthusiastic i am about teaching.

i have lost that initial enthusiasm.
lost that initial love.
i go to class every morning with a forced smile
greet them good morning, when i think otherwise
start the day with a sigh

im losing my voice
losing myself

what am i doing?
can i do this?

---

I need to find back that first love.
how to love those who are detestable?
how to sincerely and genuinely love those who are not lovely?

i want to scream, "I hate them!"
just like how they will do towards each other.
but can i?

i need to find back my smile.
那打从心里的笑


maybe.... my kids miss it too.

Labels: rant

The man who died in the bus-crane accident on Friday was the father of my student. He was the sole breadwinner of a very needy family.
While his death would mean such a great loss to the family, the rest of the country will probably only know him by the headline "One killed in freak accident"

Just last year, the whole family had appeared on a local variety show hosted by Michelle Chia that gave their house a makeover. Things seem to appear brighter... and then something totally unexpected came their way.

The boy is quite a dear student to me, and I wonder what can I offer to help, other than in prayers for the bereaved family.

The day I overslept
and couldn't meet my dear friend
is the day I realised
it is taking a toil on me
Tired
Anxious
Thirsty and afraid
Desiring to own something that isn't yet meant to be
Spending time
and pouring my heart out
to nurture
but perhaps
the growth
is only in God's time.
I had thought
it is different this time
but maybe
it is just like any other
Then I'd rather have life the way before
I would like to shift my focus back
I realise
I am just not ready yet.

Away
I want to be away
Let me be away

Song 2:7

Because
I know that
I can truly be happy
in Jesus alone
:D

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

牧人的心酸
有谁知道？

他终日独来独往
虽有羊群陪伴
却无人分担

仲然羊群带来许多喜乐
欢闹有时遮盖不了心里的寂静

如果牧人不是单行
而是双行
又会是怎样的体验？

Labels: contemplation

Sometimes, in our zeal to serve God, we tend to get anxious and fret over many things.

"Am I doing enough to help this truthseeker in her faith?"
"What if I didn't do my part well to lead him and thus, he fall away?"

Or other times, we might get self-righteous because we think that the church should be like this, and should not be like that.

"How can this person teach/speak, when he hasn't been holy and doesn't do what he preaches?"
"How can the church not do anything about his misconduct?"

And then I realised my fault.
I have been passing judgements; but there is only One who judges (James 4:11-12).

Man may not know, but God knows.
If I claim that I care because this is my church and I am a part of it, surely He cares even more!
Surely He knows His church more than I do, and He knows His sheep.
So, He has His timing, and He has His plans.
He is on His throne, and He is in control.

I do not need to fret.
Whether it is regarding the preservation of the true church,
Whether it is about bringing people back to His fold,
God is the Commander.
He is the leader.

Be still, and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

He is God.
And I am not.
I need only keep to my domain and fulfil my role and duty as His servant.

Labels: encountering God