blahh
I haven't write in a long long while.. Not sure if the words will flow, but let me try..
I was just telling em I can't really blog anymore. Cos' I have been shelving my emotions and thoughts to one side, such that even if I were to sit down and attempt to blog, the feeling won't come.
But here I am, swollen-eyed from an incomplete prayer, trying to pen down my emotions. At least, to keep in touch with it. I think I should collect and organise myself first before I go back to pray. Otherwise I was just gonna continue bawling and wailing.
I don't know what was the trigger this time. Perhaps I feel lonely (yes, again.). Or, empty. And I have been so busy these few days. I have been out early in the morning and only home late at night. I have so many readings to read, so many projects to research on, yet every night I get knocked out after just a while of work. And because I didn't sleep properly, I get all grouchy the next day and the cycle just continues on and on, day after day. I keep hoping that I have the time to complete the things I have to complete. But I don't seem to have the time...
And then as I was praying just now, I suddenly felt that I don't have enough time to preach to the people I know. I suddenly had this feeling that I really don't have enough time le and I panicked. I cried.
Today was an ok day. I had some fun here and there. But at the end of the day, I can't help feeling a little bit down again. Pardon me for being the way I am. I can't help it! But I am really trying hard to change. Please believe me. I tried very hard not to put in my heart things that I know bothers me. I fought hard to resist thoughts that I know I shouldn't harbour. I did my best to treat everyone to the best that I can. I tried not to bear grudges inside me. Please believe me when I said I tried very hard already.
But then, at the end of the day, I still felt empty.. I still felt unwanted, unnoticed, insignificant. Nobody cares about you, girl. I don't know why I still feel this way when there are people who did notice me, who did purposely talk to me; but i also know that most of these were done out of courtesy. Maybe those that I really wished would look at me, talk to me, care about me, didn't. I have a really bad sore throat coming up... but I didn't have any chance to tell anyone about it. I wish more people would want to know me as ME. Oh, but someone did come to chat with me. Thank you so much for letting me feel that you WANT to talk to me, and not out of courtesy or anything like that. I wish I had more time to talk to you.
So.. maybe another reason is because I can't find someone to 诉苦. I can't find a suitable candidate who is not equally stressed-up or tired, who is willing to listen to me, who likes to hear me talk. So I just pile up my messed-up emotions within me loh, until it overflowed and I burst just now.
I have been feeling so tired. But I kept telling myself I can do it. I can make it through, like all previous semesters. It will end up ok. Just keep going.
Actually at times, I think I am going insane. But I know that God can keep me sane.
I don't know what's my purpose in life right now, when I am not exactly living for God. I know what I am working towards academically, but I don't even know if this is the path God would like me to take. I wish I can serve God full-time. Because I know I can't multi-task. And serving Him full-time can bring me closer to Him?
I want to go home soon.
I was just telling em I can't really blog anymore. Cos' I have been shelving my emotions and thoughts to one side, such that even if I were to sit down and attempt to blog, the feeling won't come.
But here I am, swollen-eyed from an incomplete prayer, trying to pen down my emotions. At least, to keep in touch with it. I think I should collect and organise myself first before I go back to pray. Otherwise I was just gonna continue bawling and wailing.
I don't know what was the trigger this time. Perhaps I feel lonely (yes, again.). Or, empty. And I have been so busy these few days. I have been out early in the morning and only home late at night. I have so many readings to read, so many projects to research on, yet every night I get knocked out after just a while of work. And because I didn't sleep properly, I get all grouchy the next day and the cycle just continues on and on, day after day. I keep hoping that I have the time to complete the things I have to complete. But I don't seem to have the time...
And then as I was praying just now, I suddenly felt that I don't have enough time to preach to the people I know. I suddenly had this feeling that I really don't have enough time le and I panicked. I cried.
Today was an ok day. I had some fun here and there. But at the end of the day, I can't help feeling a little bit down again. Pardon me for being the way I am. I can't help it! But I am really trying hard to change. Please believe me. I tried very hard not to put in my heart things that I know bothers me. I fought hard to resist thoughts that I know I shouldn't harbour. I did my best to treat everyone to the best that I can. I tried not to bear grudges inside me. Please believe me when I said I tried very hard already.
But then, at the end of the day, I still felt empty.. I still felt unwanted, unnoticed, insignificant. Nobody cares about you, girl. I don't know why I still feel this way when there are people who did notice me, who did purposely talk to me; but i also know that most of these were done out of courtesy. Maybe those that I really wished would look at me, talk to me, care about me, didn't. I have a really bad sore throat coming up... but I didn't have any chance to tell anyone about it. I wish more people would want to know me as ME. Oh, but someone did come to chat with me. Thank you so much for letting me feel that you WANT to talk to me, and not out of courtesy or anything like that. I wish I had more time to talk to you.
So.. maybe another reason is because I can't find someone to 诉苦. I can't find a suitable candidate who is not equally stressed-up or tired, who is willing to listen to me, who likes to hear me talk. So I just pile up my messed-up emotions within me loh, until it overflowed and I burst just now.
I have been feeling so tired. But I kept telling myself I can do it. I can make it through, like all previous semesters. It will end up ok. Just keep going.
Actually at times, I think I am going insane. But I know that God can keep me sane.
I don't know what's my purpose in life right now, when I am not exactly living for God. I know what I am working towards academically, but I don't even know if this is the path God would like me to take. I wish I can serve God full-time. Because I know I can't multi-task. And serving Him full-time can bring me closer to Him?
I want to go home soon.
