The problem lies with me
I took bus 33 from NUS to church just now. Spent 80min thinking over all the things that had gone wrong in my life. I felt that nobody could empathise with me. That I was all alone in this world. I heard the Devil telling me to die, and that no one will even care. Who am I? I am just a worthless creature, taking up space in the world. I have no good in me at all. I have no capacity to do anything good, nor anything right.
As much as I tried to deny it, I know that I was angry at the situation. I felt that if it wasn't for the situation, things won't turn out like that. I was angry at the people. If they were more understanding and more tolerant towards me, perhaps they will be able to empathise with me and we can all work together fine. I was angry at myself because I was not good enough at anything, and so the situation snowballed till the way it is now. I know that implicitly, I was also angry at God. Because if I weren't, I wouldn't have felt angry at anything. I would have taken things in its stride. I would have thought that God would handle it somehow. But since I was angry at everything, that shows that I felt that God was simply folding His arms and sitting back.
I must have been angry at God, because I didn't want to go up for sermon immediately. I planned to have my dinner first before going up for closing prayer. I justified it (something I am extremely good at) by convincing myself that I need time to chill. When I got to church, however, I couldn't bring myself to sit at the dining area and just eat. I couldn't do it, knowing that God was speaking at the same moment. I found myself walking up and sitting in front of God. I said a silent prayer and tears started to well up in my eyes. I calmed myself and forced myself to listen to God as He spoke and I heard Him telling me,
"You know, dear, maybe the problem lies with you. And you know it. Now, it's just a matter of whether you have the courage to face it. Whether you have the courage to change things. Most importantly, to change yourself. If you lack strength, you can ask of it from Me. I will help you, if you seek Me for it. I am your God, do you believe?"
I am so glad I chose the better portion. I wouldn't want to miss this even for the world's most delicious hokkien prawn mee.
And so, I found reason to move on again. I want to change myself for the better. I don't want the same problems to happen to me over and over again. That would only mean that there is a lesson which I have not learnt. I want to learn that lesson, or lessons. I want to move heavenward. I don't want to bring shame to the name of God.
I know I am still not good enough. I expect others to change to suit me. I complain that people are unpredictable, un-interpretable. I pretend that things don't hurt me, when they do hurt. I complain that people are hypocrites, behaving one way in front of the person, but another way when behind that person. I complain about that when I am one myself. I demand that people should just tell me plainly if they didn't like me, or the ways I do things. Yet, I don't tell others how I really feel, expecting that they should ask me about it first. I expect people to shower more concern for me because I am sickly. What I should do then is to keep fit so that I won't be sickly in the first place, and so no excuse for anything at all!
My apologies for all the wrongs that I have done to you. I am sorry for being the way that I was. Past tense. Because that was in the past now. I want to change. And I would have the ability to do so, because God will give me that strength. It'll probably take a while... but things will turn for the better and no more will I face the same old problems again and again. Because I would have learnt the lesson(s) I was intended to learn.
First lesson - People's time is precious. Be early. It is ok to sacrifice your time. Afterall, you have already wasted so many people's time for so many years :S
As much as I tried to deny it, I know that I was angry at the situation. I felt that if it wasn't for the situation, things won't turn out like that. I was angry at the people. If they were more understanding and more tolerant towards me, perhaps they will be able to empathise with me and we can all work together fine. I was angry at myself because I was not good enough at anything, and so the situation snowballed till the way it is now. I know that implicitly, I was also angry at God. Because if I weren't, I wouldn't have felt angry at anything. I would have taken things in its stride. I would have thought that God would handle it somehow. But since I was angry at everything, that shows that I felt that God was simply folding His arms and sitting back.
I must have been angry at God, because I didn't want to go up for sermon immediately. I planned to have my dinner first before going up for closing prayer. I justified it (something I am extremely good at) by convincing myself that I need time to chill. When I got to church, however, I couldn't bring myself to sit at the dining area and just eat. I couldn't do it, knowing that God was speaking at the same moment. I found myself walking up and sitting in front of God. I said a silent prayer and tears started to well up in my eyes. I calmed myself and forced myself to listen to God as He spoke and I heard Him telling me,
"You know, dear, maybe the problem lies with you. And you know it. Now, it's just a matter of whether you have the courage to face it. Whether you have the courage to change things. Most importantly, to change yourself. If you lack strength, you can ask of it from Me. I will help you, if you seek Me for it. I am your God, do you believe?"
I am so glad I chose the better portion. I wouldn't want to miss this even for the world's most delicious hokkien prawn mee.
And so, I found reason to move on again. I want to change myself for the better. I don't want the same problems to happen to me over and over again. That would only mean that there is a lesson which I have not learnt. I want to learn that lesson, or lessons. I want to move heavenward. I don't want to bring shame to the name of God.
I know I am still not good enough. I expect others to change to suit me. I complain that people are unpredictable, un-interpretable. I pretend that things don't hurt me, when they do hurt. I complain that people are hypocrites, behaving one way in front of the person, but another way when behind that person. I complain about that when I am one myself. I demand that people should just tell me plainly if they didn't like me, or the ways I do things. Yet, I don't tell others how I really feel, expecting that they should ask me about it first. I expect people to shower more concern for me because I am sickly. What I should do then is to keep fit so that I won't be sickly in the first place, and so no excuse for anything at all!
My apologies for all the wrongs that I have done to you. I am sorry for being the way that I was. Past tense. Because that was in the past now. I want to change. And I would have the ability to do so, because God will give me that strength. It'll probably take a while... but things will turn for the better and no more will I face the same old problems again and again. Because I would have learnt the lesson(s) I was intended to learn.
First lesson - People's time is precious. Be early. It is ok to sacrifice your time. Afterall, you have already wasted so many people's time for so many years :S
