the time of singing has come!

Today is a day of mixed emotions. I could not really put my whole heart into any thing. Have I taken the sacraments lightly?

Baptism took a while only. I didnt have much time to think much about it, though I was slightly moved when I was witnessing those in front of me getting baptised first. But when it was my turn, the high tide and the deep water kind of took my attention away from the saving grace of the blood of Christ. I tried to kneel and I found myself drifting away if not for preacher and deacon holding tightly to me. I shut my eyes and tried to pray. I heard pr chin prayed, "In the name of Lord Jesus,................ for the remission of sins." And I was gently pushed into the waters. It all took a few seconds. When I came up out of the water, I was actually a new man already! no more sins... The high tide showed the abundance of Jesus's blood shed for all man. The backwash took my sins all away when I stood up out of the water. Actually I didnt feel much at that point in time. I felt that I was almost going through a procedure only. Which is so wrong!! But there were so many things bothering me in my heart that I seemed not to have peace. I was really worried about my mom and her two Christian friends. I felt sad that nobody really helped me to "look after" them.

Back at the church hall, we had the footwashing sacrament. What I really remembered was the cold, clean water that was used to wash my feet. The icy feeling that my feet felt was also how I felt in the waters during baptism. I really felt that the water was really clean indeed, as pure as the blood of Christ. So pure and clean that indeed, it is the only thing that can really cleanse me thoroughly. I felt clean from head to toe after baptism and footwashing. It was a good feeling.

I had my first ever Holy Communion today. I partook in the body and blood of Jesus. I was a part of the household of God.

But throughout, i was very worried for my mom and the two aunties. I felt struggled. I was really trying to esteem these sacraments but yet I cant help but worry for them. I dunno if its the devil's ploy. Because actually worrying seemed as though I didn't trust God enough. But what can I do? I can't help worrying! And there was no one with them. And they left right after the service ended. I felt kind of lost then. I tried to smile for the group photo for baptismal candidates. But everyone seemed to have their family with them, yet I was alone.

I tried to be more positive during lunch and I was glad to have two sisters hear me out a little. And choir was good. I enjoyed all the singing, though it was really tiring. Everyone was calling me "sister". People came to congratulate me. Almost everyone smiled at me when walking past me. Truly, I thank God. But at the end of the day, I started to feel more like an extra, rather than a main character. Perhaps I felt un-included. W went off to meet her friends. The younger youths had their programme. And I dunno about the rest. True, I wanted to go straight home. Was really tired. But going home alone wasn't something I was looking forward to. I really envy those who forever have company to go home with. As I walk out towards the busstop myself, I tried to entertain myself with the photos in my camera. And at that point in time, I really miss yuhua. Really really. Even now. I came to realise actually I really didnt have many friends in church. While W starts to have her own company of friends, and A is very worried about her exams and yuhua is not in Singapore, I basically have no one else to turn to already.

Actually, I could handle my emotions, about having to go home myself. Haven I done that for the most part of my first year in church? Have I forgotten how God walked home with me? Have I lost that faith now? When I've just got baptised? But yet, there comes shi, then cp.... who at least were nice and didn't ignore me. Briefly talked to me and cp even offered a ride to the station. But what was worst was that I had to meet with a group of brethren at the busstop, only to face disappointment. I didn't know that they were waiting for D1 to pick them up. And just nice, bus 33 came and D2 kind of brought that to my attention. So i decided to board the bus while the 5 of them drove off in the car. Tell me, if you were me, how would you have feel? Is it not justifiable of me to feel hurt? Tell me, if you just got baptised and you thought you belong to a big family now but yet at the end of the day, you went home alone, a lonely bus ride home, how would you feel? Seriously, if we didnt have choir practice, I think I would have gone straight home after baptism or something. And so I thank God there was choir practice.... because I really wanted to spend time with my church brethren.

I dun think I am blaming anyone. And I know that it is super unedifying to keep harping on these things in an online blog. But i really need to say it somewhere. My diary seemed to have lost the effect. I am sorry that I am so weak. I seek human approval and I guess I dun like to be excluded. I can already foresee that I might give problems to people already. Remember I said before, baptism isn't going to change things. (Other than the saving power of baptism.) I really miss yuhua. And I really hope to have someone to share all these with. But sadly, sometimes, things are just the way they are and we can't do much about it. Its sad when you thought you do have someone but that person is not really able to be there as well. Maybe I was really tired and I still am. Because as soon as I reached home, I slept all the way until 10pm.

These burdens that seemed to still plague my heart made me wonder if my sins were really washed away and if i were really cleansed. If baptism had really washed away all my sins and made me a new man, shouldn't I be feeling joyful? These thoughts are scary because they really meant that I had shown contempt for the sacraments. But I dun want to think this way! I believe in the saving power of water baptism! I believe that my sins have been washed away and I am now a part of the body of Christ. The devil can't con me.

Think I need some time to adjust though. I still dun see myself as being a part of them, the people in church. Perhaps its a self-imposed barrier. But for almost 3 years, i had mentally regarded myself as being different and separated from them, guess you cannot expect me to immediately feel that I am one with them right after baptism..

Of course... there are happy things to be grateful for too. I really appreciate the fact that A took time to come and she was the one who stood by me throughout sacraments and even helped me take some precious photos. Even got a little present from her and W (: so sweet of them. And in fact, my mom's two friends were very sweet too. One wanted to get me a flower. The other bought me a bookmark and a card. yay.. I have a weird fetish for cards and i finally received a "for your baptism" card! And grateful for hj, my ever so loyal friend. Though I only told him one day before, he still took the time to come down and witness my big day. And for my mom, because she came as well. And towards everyone else who came to share my joy, smiled at me, called me "sister", offered words of encouragement, i really appreciated all of it and I truly thank God.

All in all, I really just feel that God wants to teach me a very important lesson here. A lesson that has been ongoing but something perhaps I am still lacking. I am always alone, at the end of the day. But I know He wants to teach me independence, for i have always been very reliant on others - I like to be taken care of. I know that God is training me up for what is to come. I only pray I am strong enough to endure the training. I know He wants to teach me total reliance on Him and only Him alone. I also pray I can meet His standards. Man may fail me but God will never disappoint me. He is always always around.

Happy birthday, sister meixing. Be courageous as you embark on your journey towards your heavenly home. Remember love and humility. And most importantly, remember to open your heart to God, for healing and comfort and renewal of the soul so that you may gather more strength each day.

你 要 保 守 你 心 ， 胜 过 保 守 一 切 ， 因 为 一 生 的 果 效 是 由 心 发 出 。
箴 言 4:23