the time of singing has come!

Tomorrow, there's youth service.

There's visiting to yuhua's place in the afternoon, or you can go celebrate rachel's birthday.

And then there is Hymn and Love Feast at Sis Linda's place for tampines BS.

But, I have tuition for my girl. And not forgetting I need to study.

24hours leh. You think I can do everything?

No right... sian. A very promising day of fun and fellowship. But I think, I'll just skip all of them. Is this good prioritizing?

aaahh. It isn't that bad, girl. It doesn't look that bleak yet. Just continue to read. That's what you can do now.

and maybe... maybe. I'll go for love feast.
Please!

Im turning 21 next month.

Am I too childish in my ways? Am I immature in my speech, thoughts, and actions?

Should I change? Should I attempt to be more grown-up?

What kind of person do you think I am, based on your observations of me?

But it is ME to act the way I do.. I have the natural tendency to behave young. Perhaps it stemmed out of my need to be reliant on people. I need people to take care of me.

Moreover, I always thought I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to be old. But in the process of "being young", I also don't wish for anyone to despise my youth.

It's such a confusing mess.

Maybe, meixing, it's really time to grow up. *horrified expression*

I had a close-to-death struggle with the devil again last night. I felt no motivation to go on further. I am tired. And the terrible headache didn't help the situation. I started crying and calling out to God again. But I felt unworthy to do that. I wanted to die.. but I didn't want to commit suicide. I just wanted God to take me away..

I have been crying. The smallest things can trigger my tears. I feel myself going down into depression. The devil was pulling me there, and he is still trying.

放过我吧，魔鬼！

I took a panadol and cried myself to sleep. I have been living on these pills lately. ):

But when I woke up this morning feeling better and stronger, I felt touched that He didn't let me go in the night, but was merciful to give me another new day to try living it. Perhaps the headache was to purge me of my filth? Perhaps He was just trying to cleanse me, to make me pure again? I did woke up feeling "new". I woke up feeling all comfy and nice on my bed, relative to how I had cried myself to sleep in pain.

I may not understand why He allowed such terrible things to happen to me. And who knows what other obstacles lie ahead? But I guess obstacles are there to make one strong and to turn one back to God.

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.

There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
My wounds are foul and festering
Because of my foolishness.

I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly;
I go mourning all the day long.
For my loins are full of inflammation,
And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am feeble and severely broken;
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.

Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart pants, my strength fails me;
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.

My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long.

But I, like a deaf man, do not hear;
And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth.
Thus I am like a man who does not hear,
And in whose mouth is no response.

For in You, O LORD, I hope;
You will hear, O Lord my God.
For I said, "Hear me, lest they rejoice over me,
Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me."

For I am ready to fall,
And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I will declare my iniquity;
I will be in anguish over my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.
Those also who render evil for good,
They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.

Do not forsake me, O LORD;
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!

-Psalm 38

I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Psa 27:13

Isn't this verse beautiful?

The recent issue of MANNA made me feel guilty, as well as ashamed. But I was greatly edified by Lois's entry on being a constant gardener of God. I realised I have not been tending to the garden of my heart properly. I have not build a fence around it. I have not pull out the weeds daily. And I have not been watering it with God's word.

See what I mean when I say I hate school term? I have no extra time for God, other than the usual service times.

But then, I see that others can do relatively well. They can juggle both church work and school work well. Are they gifted or what? I wish I can.. But I also wish I am given more opportunities to try.

I think I have to stop living in denial. I feel far from God. Otherwise, why would I feel down and tired during times alone when I start to ponder about things? I pretend that I am close to Him, pretend that all is fine, pretend that I know His will and what pleases Him, but really, do I know? If I do know, why am I going round and round in circles, both in my thoughts and in my actions? Why can't I break out of these? Why can't I manifest true gentleness and love from within my heart? Why can't I do the things that will really please Him? Why have I stopped my daily Bible reading? Why have I stopped writing for Him? Why are my prayers getting shorter and shorter each day?

Meixing, wake up!

But I have been feeling rather helpless too. I feel trapped in the circles, being pulled in a downwards spiral into a bottomless pit. Or maybe there is a bottom. Hell? Am I slowly, but surely heading there?

But I don't want! I know how much He has done for me. For my soul. I don't want it to be wasted. Don't want His blood to be wasted. But sometimes, I just can't get out of it. Honestly, there were really times when I thought to myself, "This is it lah.. Im heading for death and nobody can help me."

Scary how the devil can pull your thoughts away ya?

But thank God, because I am still here, struggling. I just don't want to loosen my grasp on Jesus, even at times when I almost almost was led to think that I have reached a dead end, thank God that my fingers are still gripping onto the ends of Jesus's clothes. Or maybe, He was the one who held on to me? I don't believe that I should be heading for destruction. I believe that God chose me for glory, for goodness, for the heavenly kingdom. Otherwise, why would He go through all the trouble to die for me, to seek me, to wash me, and to fill me? He hopes to see me in heaven I know. I must repent. I must go back to Him.

O God... teach me to speak less and listen more. Let me rather speak more to you than to man! Put words into my mouth so that I can help others, and at the same time edify myself. Draw me close to You...

I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

I would have lost heart,
unless Jesus had held onto me
and reminded me that I was chosen for glory
and not for shame.

I would have lost heart,
unless the Holy Spirit had reminded me
of the story of Jesus and the cross
and how I can have strength again through Him.

Don't lose heart, meixing, cos God can surely help you.