Your arrows pierce me deeply
I had a close-to-death struggle with the devil again last night. I felt no motivation to go on further. I am tired. And the terrible headache didn't help the situation. I started crying and calling out to God again. But I felt unworthy to do that. I wanted to die.. but I didn't want to commit suicide. I just wanted God to take me away..
I have been crying. The smallest things can trigger my tears. I feel myself going down into depression. The devil was pulling me there, and he is still trying.
放过我吧，魔鬼！
I took a panadol and cried myself to sleep. I have been living on these pills lately. ):
But when I woke up this morning feeling better and stronger, I felt touched that He didn't let me go in the night, but was merciful to give me another new day to try living it. Perhaps the headache was to purge me of my filth? Perhaps He was just trying to cleanse me, to make me pure again? I did woke up feeling "new". I woke up feeling all comfy and nice on my bed, relative to how I had cried myself to sleep in pain.
I may not understand why He allowed such terrible things to happen to me. And who knows what other obstacles lie ahead? But I guess obstacles are there to make one strong and to turn one back to God.
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.
There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
My wounds are foul and festering
Because of my foolishness.
I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly;
I go mourning all the day long.
For my loins are full of inflammation,
And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am feeble and severely broken;
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart pants, my strength fails me;
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.
My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long.
But I, like a deaf man, do not hear;
And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth.
Thus I am like a man who does not hear,
And in whose mouth is no response.
For in You, O LORD, I hope;
You will hear, O Lord my God.
For I said, "Hear me, lest they rejoice over me,
Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me."
For I am ready to fall,
And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I will declare my iniquity;
I will be in anguish over my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.
Those also who render evil for good,
They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.
Do not forsake me, O LORD;
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
-Psalm 38
I have been crying. The smallest things can trigger my tears. I feel myself going down into depression. The devil was pulling me there, and he is still trying.
放过我吧，魔鬼！
I took a panadol and cried myself to sleep. I have been living on these pills lately. ):
But when I woke up this morning feeling better and stronger, I felt touched that He didn't let me go in the night, but was merciful to give me another new day to try living it. Perhaps the headache was to purge me of my filth? Perhaps He was just trying to cleanse me, to make me pure again? I did woke up feeling "new". I woke up feeling all comfy and nice on my bed, relative to how I had cried myself to sleep in pain.
I may not understand why He allowed such terrible things to happen to me. And who knows what other obstacles lie ahead? But I guess obstacles are there to make one strong and to turn one back to God.
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.
There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
My wounds are foul and festering
Because of my foolishness.
I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly;
I go mourning all the day long.
For my loins are full of inflammation,
And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am feeble and severely broken;
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart pants, my strength fails me;
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.
My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long.
But I, like a deaf man, do not hear;
And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth.
Thus I am like a man who does not hear,
And in whose mouth is no response.
For in You, O LORD, I hope;
You will hear, O Lord my God.
For I said, "Hear me, lest they rejoice over me,
Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me."
For I am ready to fall,
And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I will declare my iniquity;
I will be in anguish over my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.
Those also who render evil for good,
They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.
Do not forsake me, O LORD;
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
-Psalm 38
