the time of singing has come!

The hurt I feel in my heart now is not something I have ever felt before.
I have learnt to stop the tears
But what follows is a really empty feeling..

I'm not sure if my heart is still there where it should be,
or perhaps it is so heavy that it has sunk to the bottom,
or perhaps it has lost all emotions...

Even in prayers, I had to use my hands to touch my heart, in order to feel it.

Then, I found out that as long as I keep my mind occupied,
I can minimise the ache in my heart.
I can take my mind off the hurt and the pain,
I can stop questioning, "Why, why, why?"
I can stop waiting.

But actually, you know, the pain is still there, it has not gone away. You were simply stimulating your brain with another sensation, in order to cover up the pain sensation.

Sometimes, I fear prayers even, because God will touch my heart and make it feel again, and the fountain of tears will start welling up again.

That kind of ache, I cannot describe. I'm just utterly and thoroughly defeated.