the time of singing has come!

I know that it's hard for anyone to truly understand how I am feeling.

Probably nobody will ever perfectly know, and so I can't expect anyone to empathise with me. Probably no one will know fully what happened to me, what thoughts ran through my mind, what emotions welled up from within me, what I went through,.. and is still going through.. Probably no one will fully know the whole story, and probably it doesn't matter if they do know, or if they don't. Probably nobody can understand why I still can't get out of this after so long..

If there is one person who might know, who might understand, then probably that person is you. Because you know exactly what happened to me, and you know what kind of person I am, you know what I care about most, you know my strengths and you know my weaknesses.

Or maybe you really don't know, or you don't really want to know anymore.

I really cannot expect people to truly, fully empathise with me. They are also not obliged to do so.

I am finding it quite hard to hang around though. I am trying.. but even I can't stand my own hypocrisy. How do you define 'hypocrisy' anyway? To me, as long as there is something that you are hiding within you, that is hypocrisy. Because you know there is something that you haven't been open with the person you are interacting with, yet you act as if everything's fine and good. I can't stand myself being so hypocritical. The fact is that I still am affected and shaken by the things that happened. I'm seeing partiality, and experiencing coldness. Or is it just me?

Sometimes I start to think, you know, maybe it is just me. Maybe everything started because of me. My fault. My weakness. Maybe you know, I am evil, just that I am good at deceiving even myself. These thoughts.... they are really starting to drive me to insanity.. It's a neverending cycle of thoughts. They just go round and round and I can't find my way out of this. I have to shout "STOP" then can I pull myself out of this. I haven't dare to share about this because being a psychology major, I fear it might affect my future career. How can a mad woman counsel others?

But at least... I still have Him. At least, I can still kneel down in prayers and ask Him to examine my heart, and to remove all the filth within me. When these thoughts come to me, and I kneel down before Him, I start to become really scared. I fear being the evil one. I fear being the selfish, self-centred one. I fear that I have been the one on the wrong path, heading towards an entirely wrong direction. I fear God's rejection. I fear that I cannot enter heaven. And then, I will grow all weak, and at that moment, I will realise that I really don't want anything anymore, I just want to abide in God. I will then ask Him to take away everything, really everything - people, possessions, pride. I really don't want anything; they only add burden to me and to my soul. I want to be free. I want to be a good person. I want to be pure and holy. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be close to God.

So maybe, I will go away for a while. Away from the people, away from past memories, away from my own hypocrisy. I need time to think about the past years, to wrap them up and truly commit them into God's hand.

I know the glass is already broken, and I believe I have already let go of it (mx, you must...). But you still need to clear the broken pieces ya...? As you pick up and pack away these broken pieces, sometimes it will still prick you and hurt you... But remember, mx, once you put them away, it's all over.

Do not be afraid; be strong.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13)