the time of singing has come!

I can't believe that after so many months, the exact same thing can still pierce my heart. I wish my heart can be numb to all these. I rather it is numb and feelingless sometimes.

The many days of holiday did nothing but revealed more of my weaknesses. It gave me too much time to think. I know I still have not let go. I still have not moved on. But I want to. I really want to. My prayers have reached the point of begging God to erase all my memories of the past. If it is His will, I really want to forget everything.

I will leave this place once I get the chance to.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

These words came through the (e)mail today. And these are the Words of the Bible:

Character of the New Man
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.
(Colossians 3:12-15)

Have you attained the character of the New Man? Have I?

But I guess, the more important question is, are we working towards having this character as our own? Remember, it will determine our 'destiny'.

Thoughts of running away surfaced again.

I am feeling tired. It has only been one week of school but already I feel the pressure. I am feeling tired physically, because of the lack of rest these two days; but I am also feeling quite tired mentally. Maybe it's the pressure to work really hard this semester. Or the pressure to make sure I don't waste away this last semester. Or the pressure to really move on and make good and full use of my life that God has given me. But yet my weakness continues to stay with me. I can't get rid of it. I can't do what God would be pleased to see me do. I can't do that which would bring shame to the devil but glory to God. I don't want to continue like this for another five years. I can't imagine how that five years would be like. It will be a total waste of time, and probably by then I will be like a walking zombie.

One thought came to my mind today.

Forgiveness.

I came across this video the other day and it has been on my mind...



Were you touched (if you understand the chinese characters or the cantonese) by it?

I realised that I am still not able to forgive. I asked God to help me forgive, as God had forgiven me. Then suddenly I thought, maybe the reason why I can't feel the complete forgiveness of God is because I haven't completely forgiven others? I don't know if this is erroneous belief. But I had a sudden thought that the day or the moment I can finally really forgive others, I would also feel the forgiveness of God then. I had the thought that I would be freed then. I would experience true joy and peace at that moment. And I really really yearn for that.

This also made me realised that I might not have forgiven someone from long ago. I always thought that I had forgiven him, that I would even be happy if he would come to the knowledge of the truth. But God wants me to see my own weakness, that I ain't that good.. If he were to really appear in front of me and have his presence around me all the time, can I really take it? If I can't, have I really forgiven him? :( Have I really forgotten the past, the hurt, and the pain?

They say time will heal all things. I only know that I don't want to waste five years (or more!) like this. I want to quickly move on to greater things for God. There really isn't much time left.

It still haven't been easy for me. I am sorry for my weakness. Please give me time (and some space - if these will help).

我的心啊，你何时才能放下？

It is over, long over.
Be courageous and say, "It is all over. 都过去了。"

Cannot waste any more time; time is limited! And very precious. Don't take the time that God gives you for granted. Every second should not be wasted.

remember remember remember remember remember remember

Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. (John 16:22)

爱是一片海洋　你的心是小船
爱能载你到最远的地方
爱是等待的岸　可以过尽千帆
只是等你最后的归航

爱是一扇门窗　你的心是小房
爱是轻敲你寂寞的阳光
爱是一种方向　可以万水千山
你的心是随时出发的地方

爱是一面镜妆　映照你的悲伤
多少背影在镜中不能遗忘
爱是一盏安祥　唱着不变的原谅
让你最孤单时依然坚强

爱是一樽盼望　需要你的注满
爱能酝酿你一生的时光
爱是一颗种子　种在你的心上
让它萌长成人间的希望

Jesus loves me, this I know;
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
i am weak, but He is strong.

i know i am pretty much an emo person. except perhaps during theolo every december, you see the crazy side of me... i don't know why too. sometimes it just seems like there isn't much to be happy about. i mean, things of this world are so temporary. they come, and they go.

i spend a lot of time to think. every night, i take out my diary and i think about what happened for the entire day. i think about how i felt, what i thought about... and i jot them down.

when i see a butterfly fluttering its wings happily past me, i'll stop to admire the sight. when i see the rain falling quietly, but strongly, i'll take time out to take in the dampness of the air. when i see the sun peeking shyly through the clouds, i'll pause to play peek-a-boo with it and to be hugged by its warmth.

i used to desire to share all these with somebody. somebody who equally delights in the sun and the butterfly. somebody who equally finds joy in taking time off to look at the rain, to feel the wind. but gradually, i learnt that even if i am alone, the joy from all these doesn't diminish. in fact, at times, i feel even happier, because i know those were my private moments with my Lord.

you know, many things that i see around me sadden me. but i can only learn to swallow them in. im sad over my own weakness too. i wish i can overcome that and truly be someone God is proud of. i... feel powerless when i know that i cannot overcome my weakness. and.. i really don't like it.

i... just wanted to have a fresh start again. but many things are coming back either to haunt me or to remind me of the past. the more i want to escape, the more i am made to face it. is that really what You want, God? i am quite lost... i just want to hear Your voice, and wherever You want me to go, i will go. i just need to hear Your voice.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me... (Psalm 138:8).

原来有一些回忆是不能抹去的
它们会在你最不留意时 闪过你的脑袋
然后更多的银幕就会陆陆续续的浮现在你面前
你拼命的想删掉，想把它们都挤出脑后
但就是不能
回忆一个个地被勾起
之后，眼泪就落下了

我将你的话藏在心里，免得我得罪你。（诗篇119：11）

_____________________________________________

be sure your sin will find you out (Numbers 32:23)

It seems that some memories can never be wiped away
They surface when you least expect it, and flash across your mind
What follows after are many more images appearing before your eyes like a slideshow
You try your best to delete them; you try to push them out of your head
But it cannot be done
One by one, the memories are triggered into consciousness
And thereafter, the tears fall

Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You. (Psalm 119:11)

(The english translation is for my two beloveds, and for pple like azriel :P)