the time of singing has come!

我好像还是比较喜欢安静的单独时间; 热闹的相聚虽然温馨,但往往还是太复杂, 令人难熬。

Labels: contemplation

I had a great weekend with my family, especially time spent with my brother and mother, and as I sat journalling my weekend and preparing my schedule book for the days ahead, I subconsciously am also counting my days... and somehow I can't help but feel this certain unrest within me, a certain brooding like I need to get something out of my chest, yet I know not how to describe this.

While my husband sat a feet away from me, I still can't help but feel a certain fear griped my heart - a fear of not being known, a fear of not having true connection, a fear of not having people who truly know you, love you, and are for you.

What if all the fun we have are just... nothing? What if we could have all the parties and gatherings in the world but at the end of the day, when all come to an end, they are just vanities? Or have I not known true friendships enough to conclude that? Have I not partaken in true fellowship to have think like that?

I hope that my brother did make some wonderful memories last night, with his awesome groups of friends. I do hope that sweet memories linger and add on to the friendship and bond that already exist and only make it stronger.

I only hope that I know true friendships too.
Suddenly feel so alone.

Labels: alone, contemplation

Why do people jaywalk?

Because they are all in a rush.

Why are we always in a rush?

Maybe sometimes we don't even know.

I think that this world is really not for me.

This world of rushing, of meeting standards, of proving your worth.

Why do I have to prove my worth before I can enrol myself into a masters program? Don't I qualify precisely because of my work and the need to upgrade my skills? Otherwise, my clients are the ones to suffer, not me!

Why can't people just do their work, according to their capabilities and not having to constantly prove that they can do more? Why can't we just have morning teas or afternoon teas and go home early to play with our kids and spend time with our spouse?

What must I do to be blessed with such?

Kind of having depressive thoughts running about my head. Hate it that I have these chemicals roaming in my brain, that make me more susceptible to depression. And it doesn't help when two of us are like this.

I kind of want to quit my job and get a life first. I'm quite burned out by what I am doing day in day out. But without money, can I get a life?

Labels: contemplation

A day of being a living dead.
Living with no hope for the future.
Just passing the day in fear, awaiting condemnation.
In fact, already condemned.
What hope is left?
Why am I still here?
Shouldn't I just curse Him and die?
Is there still left any room for negotiation?
Is there still a chance of forgiveness?
Why am I condemned because of someone else's wrong?
Have I done wrong in the sight of God?
Am I really forever lost?

A day as a living dead.
I get to experience what it is like.
And I can understand why most would just give up.
Since there is already no hope, since I am already condemned, why should I still care?
Eat, drink, and be merry!
But that's not what I want.
Why can't I be reconciled with Him?
Why can't I serve Him?

A day as a living dead; it really felt horrible.
I hope that I won't ever fall into that deep pit.
Because I don't ever want to be condemned by God nor by man.
In my loneliness and helplessness, I could only seek Him through prayers.
I told Him I don't want to die and that I am afraid.
Thank God He answered me and He reminded me that the Holy Spirit in me is evidence of His love for me, and He has chosen me and He still loves me.
I must remember this debt of mine and repay God's mercy.

God is love.. and the basis for all that He does is love.

Labels: contemplation, counting grace, encountering God

We have to stop
waiting
for things to happen
before 
we can be happy.

We have to
choose
to be happy
now,
despite 
what is happening.

And...
gratitude
really is
the way to go.

Labels: contemplation, counting grace

I don't know if I have what it takes to be a theolo counselor anymore...

When I was describing my drawing of a "Christian lady", i realise that all eyes were on me.. All quiet. And for a moment, I felt a bit conscious of myself and what I am saying. They were all giving me their fullest attention.

Upon reflecting now, I realised that they all were looking up to me, to us, counsellors in Christ, who are supposed to be their role models and their shepherds. Their eyes were watching, their ears listening. They want to know what is my standard.

What is my standard? Has it been lowered as I became more and more lost in this world?

I have much to reflect upon and wonder.. how much have I changed since the last time I attended theolo?

If the blind leads the blind, both will fall into the pit.

Labels: contemplation

It's been probably a year since I last felt this way.

The warmth of the Spirit enveloping you.
The Spirit giving you utterance.
You can't even speak for your own, because the Spirit is speaking for you.
Tears wet your eyes and your cheeks.
You know that God is listening and that He is willing to enter into you once again to fill you to the uttermost.
Whatever wrongs you have done, He is willing to wash them again.

When the Spirit comes knocking at your heart's door, and you yield to Him and open the door to Him, He enters into your innermost chambers and is... with you.
His presence fills you.
He intercedes for you.
Prayer no longer becomes a chore; prayers become sweet.
Prayers become so easy.
It's a wonderful feeling to know that God abides with you and in you.

I prayed for him, for us.
I have my fears, deep fears.
But I know that God will give me strength.
And somehow I also know that this strength is given me, not only for me, but for him.
This is a ministry that God has given me and I know that as long as I first stay close to God, I can do it well.

To present everyone perfect before Christ.
For this reason, God has revisited me in my cries, and grant me strength.

I must be sensitive.
I must support him.
I must be his helper.
I must be strong.

Lord, he is really tired. Please give him the rest that is in You.

We need You to fill our empty and dry souls.

Labels: contemplation

The past two days passed by in a daze.

The cough syrup that I took really puts me in a semi-conscious state. I was half-awake, half-asleep.

But the past two days had really given me the much-needed time alone.

Away from my students,
my work,
the burdens I bear...

Away from people,
from even my most loved one..

To just be...
And just... exist
for a while.

Sometimes, we go through life without actually existing, don't we?

I am not thinking about my students and how I cannot help them solve their life's issues.

I am not thinking about my wedding preparation and how to work out the finances.

I am not thinking about the performance tonight.

I am not thinking about anybody or anyone; I am just thinking about recovery and to sleep and to drink water and to take medicine.

And so, for the past two days, I honestly don't know how my time was spent, how time passed me by. I only remembered that I kept sleeping and waking to see that only half-hour has passed or an hour has passed and I was thinking to myself, time passes really slowly when you are so relaxed!

It reminded me of the time in Perth. :)

I really enjoyed my rest these two days.

It actually kind of recharges me and renews me.

And thankfully, my throat recovered in time for a performance at a company event.

It is now Sabbath.
Peace.

Labels: contemplation

Some days ago.. I felt a tug in my heart to start writing again.

I really miss writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings in a space where I can be truly me.

Perhaps, even more so, I miss reflecting... Reflections gave me a chance to really dwell within myself and to allow myself to grow as a person.

I felt like my growth has been stunted... And at times I feel lost.

That tug continues to stay in my heart and it starts to grow bigger. I remembered that I had a dream to write and to write for God.. then why am I delaying?

Waiting for the perfect time to start? There ain't gonna come a perfect time to start this dream of mine and if I want to even try to make it happen, I got to start now.

There is no perfect time to serve God.

It is in the everyday where the real serving begins.

When you are tied down by the laundry, and the chores, and the busyness of life weighs on you, and the temptations of worldly pleasures are calling out to you, what do you choose to do? Can you still serve God in the midst of your life on earth?

In your everyday real life, when you are not in church, do you still serve Him?

If this is really what i want to do in and with my life, I cannot wait any longer. It has to start now.

I need the Holy Spirit to ignite the fire in me again and I need to set aside time to restart my writing (and reading).

May God bless.

Labels: contemplation

I still enjoy writing very much.

Seeing words string together to form sentences, and seeing sentences coming together to form paragraphs, and paragraphs structured into a coherent message. Almost exhilarating! Even exciting when you know that you can be a pen for God and you are simply writing what He wants you to write.

Only say words that make souls stronger - Ann Voskamp & Holley Gerth

It has been a while since I really write words that can make souls stronger. It isn't that God has not been inspiring me. Occasionally, I do feel His prompting, like a tug at my heart, telling me about something. But my excuse is that I am busy... too tired sometimes to write. As time passes, these inspirations also vanish with the wind and I am left a hollow shell.

It's strange, because when I don't write, I find that eventually I become empty. Without substance. Without meaning. Maybe for a while, I wouldn't. Afterall, life is getting busier and in a way, more exciting for me. But, eventually.... I feel empty.

I wish to be renewed in my writing. If God wills, I still hope to be a writer for Him. I humbly seek to be inspired by Him, and let my words point people to the Author of life, and be impacted by His Word.

I must keep writing. :)

Labels: contemplation

我不配得到幸福，不可能真的快乐。

The reason for the recent fb post above was due to a change in mood just after I blogged about how blissful i am.

How ironic? Hence I was just thinking that perhaps I am meant to be emo, not happy. Perhaps introverts are emo creatures, not happy creatures. Perhaps all things blissful aren't real and passes like vapor.

Anyway, this isn't going to be another emotional or impulsive post. Just a lingering thought as I ponder about God's will for me..

Labels: contemplation, one of those days

It's kinda strange as I think back about how "emo" was used to describe most of me and yet when I think about now, I just think that I am happy.

As I think about my life now, I can't resist a smile and know how blessed I am. I have a job that I love. I have a loving husband-to-be. My loved ones are generally all still with me. I have a God who loves me and blesses me.

As memories of the years passed suddenly sweep over me, I realised that such bliss isn't random or by chance, especially as I recalled how emo I used to be. Where is the emo me?

It isn't by chance that I have all I have today. And I am not about to say that I have earned all these by my efforts neither. But I know that through the training that I had in God, He had taught me to wait on Him. And while it was indeed painful during the period of waiting, He who had promised is faithful. Indeed He is!

I mustn't take what I have now for granted. I mustn't think that it was by chance. But that by the grace of God, He has already prepared all these for me. At the right time, He would give me. Why would a father withhold good things from his child?

He who seeks the Lord will lack no good things.

Remember the journey that you have taken with God and how you have waited on the Lord. It wasn't an easy one and don't be mistaken, it isn't going to be easier henceforth. So don't ever give up. Continue to trust in the Lord to provide. He knoweth best.

Labels: contemplation

In the middle of the night... I don't know what I'm searching for by reading stuffs after stuffs online. I seemed to be seeking for something to feed my heart so that I may be nicely tucked in. What is it?

In the middle of the night... When everything and everyone else seemed to be soundly asleep. When the world seemed to be sleeping too... I wonder how we have got to here. How in history have we got to where we are right now, this moment? What have contributed to me being here this time?

Memories of the past flood my mind like waves gushing in. Fond ones, funny ones, bittersweet ones.. Every step of the way, however we had walked, whatever we had done, whatever we have said, they have all led me to where I am now. Is it with fondness I recall and look upon what I have now, or is it with regrets? Is there anything I could have done better? Did I hurt anyone? Am I still hurt?

It's amazing how things change so fast and how fast this world is moving on. I used to blog on my laptop but now I blog on my phone while lying in bed. Life never wait for you hur? You got to make sure you don't get yourself stuck.

Life is amazing. And it's amazing that God gives us this wonderful gift of life. We get to see, smell, taste, hear, and feel things beautiful. This beautiful life that God gave to us, are we making it beautiful? Or have we tainted it with the ugly things? Have we polluted it with envy, jealousy, pride?

We can be so beautiful. Why have we made ourselves ugly?

I ought to and am cherishing the beautiful life that God is giving me now.

Labels: contemplation

I'm craving for something...

It isn't food... I'm not hungry.
It isn't sleep... Not tired.
The thought of curling up with a good book doesn't really resonate right now.
Exercise? The weather seems too good to waste sweating.
Work? Nah, I'll go back to it tmr.
Shopping? But I don't want to waste money..

Arrghhh I'm in lack. But what is it?

The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. (Psalm 34:10)

Labels: contemplation, rant

I left the place feeling like I have said more than what's okay to say.
I left the place wondering if I have given as much as I ought to have given.
I left, thinking whether I have gained what I should gain from this retreat.

Have I been genuine enough?
Have I been in communion with God?
Have I loved?
Have I learnt God?
Have I edify?
Have I been edified?

Nevertheless, I thank God for the opportunity to turn back to Him after having strayed so far away. I have turned back to Him, I have to keep going.

I have never realised that my bed felt so good. What belongs to you always feel the best and the most familiar; I must get it right - Jesus and His House belongs to me, not the world.

Labels: contemplation

Labels: contemplation, the sword of the Spirit

Labels: contemplation

How the soul stirs
How the body trembles
How the heart is unquiet
How the limbs move with unrest
How the mind wander from thought to thought
How the heart jumps from emotion to emotion

Lord God Almighty,
Did You see it all?

Did You see the war within our very own body?
Did You see how we fight with our body in order to know You more, in order to trust You more?

Fearful, yet hopeful.
Incredible, but in awe.
Worried, yet at peace.

Struggle, wrestle, strife, but...
in order to hold on even tighter
To You.

I am in awe.
Because I find no words to express the works of Your hand.
You were there from the very first cry to the very last breath.
You saw our hearts from the beginning to the end.
You have always been there, haven't You?
I see You there, with him.
All the way.

Will You stay with him till the end?

-----

While walking home after church and having these thoughts running through my mind, I suddenly feel like I'm already used to walking alone with praises singing in my ears. Wonder if this might mean a new chapter? Am I ready?

Labels: contemplation, encountering God

I saw a young boy and a young man skipped their way into the train.

Are they father and son? Maybe not..

The little boy started playing with an iPhone, while the man is holding a toy car.

Giggles. What a funny sight.

Our little ones are really living in a world very different from ours. With just a touch of their fingertip, they can access an ocean of knowledge. They need only snap their fingers. Will they understand how we have to bend our back and bathe in our sweat under the hot sun just to get rice to eat?

They won't really understand our world. And we probably won't really know theirs. Just as I won't ever understand my student clients' worlds.

I look at this beautiful sight as man and boy converse. I smile.

Then I look beyond them to see the great number of cars on the roads and people shuffling their way home. And I thought, how many of this kind of beautiful sight can I really see?

Not many.. I have come to think that in this world, there are more sorrows than joys, more tears than smiles. I see people struggling. I see people failing. I see people stuck. I see myself struggling, failing, stuck.

A mixture of emotions came over me.

But as Amazing Grace (My chains are broken) played without words in my ears, I can't help but know that amid all these, amidst the pain and tears, the struggle and all, amid the laughter and fun, bonding and love, whatever the situation, God is still over all. He is over all. He is in control. From where I was, I can see the people on the train and the people beyond on the busy roads, yet He can see even more, even further than that. How can I not fall at His feet and love Him, more than anything?

I am not God. I cannot do a lot of things. I have said a prayer for her and I think she would be fine, in God's hands.

I almost thought i'm heading for church. Would love to really go down on my knees now and say a prayer.

---
Studies have shown that the way to having a healthy mental mind is to count our blessings. We may do so daily, or weekly. So even though I'm seeing more pain than joy, more struggles than smiles... the way to lead a God-centered, God-glorifying life is to simply count our blessings, choosing to look at and remember the beautiful moments, even as we are in the middle of tears and struggles and even as we acknowledge the fact that this world is not wonderful...

Labels: contemplation

Lord, I know, I know, but...

Labels: contemplation, encountering God, the sword of the Spirit