the time of singing has come!

我好像还是比较喜欢安静的单独时间; 热闹的相聚虽然温馨,但往往还是太复杂, 令人难熬。

Labels: contemplation

Saturdays are for sabbath worship. Only sabbath worship and sabbath rest. Nothing else! *sealed with pinky hook and thumb press*

I like meaningful, heart-to-heart conversations.

Thank you for making my day so wonderful today, all you who took your time and spent it on me.

Thank you for your openness, genuineness, and trust. These are the most precious gifts that I seek to find, but which most aren't willing to give, because giving these away will put the person in a vulnerable state.

Yet it is often in such vulnerability that we find healing. It is in our weakness that we can find strength.

God bless. :)

Labels: counting grace, encountering God

I had a great weekend with my family, especially time spent with my brother and mother, and as I sat journalling my weekend and preparing my schedule book for the days ahead, I subconsciously am also counting my days... and somehow I can't help but feel this certain unrest within me, a certain brooding like I need to get something out of my chest, yet I know not how to describe this.

While my husband sat a feet away from me, I still can't help but feel a certain fear griped my heart - a fear of not being known, a fear of not having true connection, a fear of not having people who truly know you, love you, and are for you.

What if all the fun we have are just... nothing? What if we could have all the parties and gatherings in the world but at the end of the day, when all come to an end, they are just vanities? Or have I not known true friendships enough to conclude that? Have I not partaken in true fellowship to have think like that?

I hope that my brother did make some wonderful memories last night, with his awesome groups of friends. I do hope that sweet memories linger and add on to the friendship and bond that already exist and only make it stronger.

I only hope that I know true friendships too.
Suddenly feel so alone.

Labels: alone, contemplation

Why do people jaywalk?

Because they are all in a rush.

Why are we always in a rush?

Maybe sometimes we don't even know.

I think that this world is really not for me.

This world of rushing, of meeting standards, of proving your worth.

Why do I have to prove my worth before I can enrol myself into a masters program? Don't I qualify precisely because of my work and the need to upgrade my skills? Otherwise, my clients are the ones to suffer, not me!

Why can't people just do their work, according to their capabilities and not having to constantly prove that they can do more? Why can't we just have morning teas or afternoon teas and go home early to play with our kids and spend time with our spouse?

What must I do to be blessed with such?

Kind of having depressive thoughts running about my head. Hate it that I have these chemicals roaming in my brain, that make me more susceptible to depression. And it doesn't help when two of us are like this.

I kind of want to quit my job and get a life first. I'm quite burned out by what I am doing day in day out. But without money, can I get a life?

Labels: contemplation

Hope is what keeps us alive and moving.

I was so mad at him for leaving me this morning so that he can make his way to work first.

We had both worked up late and he has a group at 830am. He cannot be late.

I have yet to pack for my zumba lesson this evening and still had to so I grudgingly (although unwillingly) agreed to him going first.

I was mad at myself for having been knocked out right after I shower for the past three nights straight. What's more, I slept with my totally wet hair last night and throughout the night knew that I had to get up to dry it. So, I didn't really sleep well.

I was mad at him for not waking me up, for not showing more love, for not interacting more with me. I actually play the blaming game quite well, especially or maybe particularly on my loved ones.

I took my time to pack and left house unhappy. I wonder what bus should I take and I wonder if it matters if I am late. I have no strength, no motivation. I just feel like crap.

I checked the app and indeed, the buses are gonna take 20 min to arrive. Great. Everything is just great. So I decided to walk two busstops down instead for the next bus I have to take, instead of waiting. I thought the walk might calm me down.

The message came in. (Just when I thought I am not going to message him for the entire day today. At least I am not going to initiate.)

"Take 88. Bus 43 and 156 are going to take forever to arrive now."

He had checked the timing of the buses for me.

Although he had to leave first, his heart was still for me.

Though I treated him badly, giving him a reluctant peck when he came to me for our usual goodbye kiss, asking him to go first grudgingly, he still check the bus timing for me. And he is the one running late and distressed! I ought to have been kinder.

The message sent a smile to my heart, and eventually to my face. All the bad feelings from the morning slowly seemed to dissipate into the morning sunshine and I feel my spirit gently lifted up.

Knowing that he still loves me and thinks of me really lift up my mood. Nothing else matters. Not even the fact that he didn't help make the bed again this morning.

Hope keeps me alive and walking forward, thinking that I might catch him at the busstop.

I didn't catch him, but hope that he can make it on time and have a blessed groupwork with his clients. May God bless him richly.

Labels: counting grace, ilovemyhubby, Wifey