Reflections from Edinburgh, Scotland
Day ONE of EWR@Edinburgh
A few hours ago, I was convinced that I just can't write for God. I had no opinions during bible reading, no inspiration on what to write about, and was having difficulty expressing myself in words. During the prayer before dinner, I just suddenly felt so weak and gift-less. I had the sudden feeling that God was actually not with me anymore.
What happened? Were my prayers getting routined? Were my cries simply rituals? I suddenly felt very scared. I cannot waste church's resources. I definitely have to go on with this retreat and make the best out of it. Even if my gift is not in writing, I have to make sure I at least complete this course to the best of my ability. I cannot just give up and walk out of this whole thing now. That was when I really bowed my head in front of God in my prayers. Literally. Really low, such that it dawned on me that I have not been doing that already. I felt so worthless then. I was thinking, I can't sing well, I can't talk to people well, ... and now I can't write well. It's like there is nothing I can do. For God.
And then, I prayed to God,
"God, I knew that I wasn't a good writer the day I decided to sign up. But I just thought that I want to be used by you. To be your tool. To be your instrument. That's all. I can't write on my own. I can only be your pen. Please use me to speak your Words."
I really felt so worthless then. Like I am good for nothing. Like trash. But I do still have a willing heart to be used by God. So I can only pray that He will use me. And I will give all glory unto Him.
The rest of the evening I continued on my devotional. I really did not want to give up. I can do it. Just got to change my perspective a little. I am not gift-less. God will use me if I turn towards Him with a pure heart. But I also realised that God will only use clean vessels. If I really want to be used by God, I ought to really present myself pure and holy in His sight.
Another worthy note was the point made during one bible study session today. "It is never about the work. It's about the worker." God can easily give the work to another person, just like what Esther realised (esther 4:13-14). God's purpose for me here in Scotland, I realised, was to shape me as a person. He is trying to perfect me for His glory. Thank God for such grace.
I managed to churn out the first draft of my devotional today. Really praise God!
Gifford Park Church
June 24, 2007 Sunday
2345
A few hours ago, I was convinced that I just can't write for God. I had no opinions during bible reading, no inspiration on what to write about, and was having difficulty expressing myself in words. During the prayer before dinner, I just suddenly felt so weak and gift-less. I had the sudden feeling that God was actually not with me anymore.
What happened? Were my prayers getting routined? Were my cries simply rituals? I suddenly felt very scared. I cannot waste church's resources. I definitely have to go on with this retreat and make the best out of it. Even if my gift is not in writing, I have to make sure I at least complete this course to the best of my ability. I cannot just give up and walk out of this whole thing now. That was when I really bowed my head in front of God in my prayers. Literally. Really low, such that it dawned on me that I have not been doing that already. I felt so worthless then. I was thinking, I can't sing well, I can't talk to people well, ... and now I can't write well. It's like there is nothing I can do. For God.
And then, I prayed to God,
"God, I knew that I wasn't a good writer the day I decided to sign up. But I just thought that I want to be used by you. To be your tool. To be your instrument. That's all. I can't write on my own. I can only be your pen. Please use me to speak your Words."
I really felt so worthless then. Like I am good for nothing. Like trash. But I do still have a willing heart to be used by God. So I can only pray that He will use me. And I will give all glory unto Him.
The rest of the evening I continued on my devotional. I really did not want to give up. I can do it. Just got to change my perspective a little. I am not gift-less. God will use me if I turn towards Him with a pure heart. But I also realised that God will only use clean vessels. If I really want to be used by God, I ought to really present myself pure and holy in His sight.
Another worthy note was the point made during one bible study session today. "It is never about the work. It's about the worker." God can easily give the work to another person, just like what Esther realised (esther 4:13-14). God's purpose for me here in Scotland, I realised, was to shape me as a person. He is trying to perfect me for His glory. Thank God for such grace.
I managed to churn out the first draft of my devotional today. Really praise God!
Gifford Park Church
June 24, 2007 Sunday
2345
