the time of singing has come!

I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Psa 27:13

Isn't this verse beautiful?

The recent issue of MANNA made me feel guilty, as well as ashamed. But I was greatly edified by Lois's entry on being a constant gardener of God. I realised I have not been tending to the garden of my heart properly. I have not build a fence around it. I have not pull out the weeds daily. And I have not been watering it with God's word.

See what I mean when I say I hate school term? I have no extra time for God, other than the usual service times.

But then, I see that others can do relatively well. They can juggle both church work and school work well. Are they gifted or what? I wish I can.. But I also wish I am given more opportunities to try.

I think I have to stop living in denial. I feel far from God. Otherwise, why would I feel down and tired during times alone when I start to ponder about things? I pretend that I am close to Him, pretend that all is fine, pretend that I know His will and what pleases Him, but really, do I know? If I do know, why am I going round and round in circles, both in my thoughts and in my actions? Why can't I break out of these? Why can't I manifest true gentleness and love from within my heart? Why can't I do the things that will really please Him? Why have I stopped my daily Bible reading? Why have I stopped writing for Him? Why are my prayers getting shorter and shorter each day?

Meixing, wake up!

But I have been feeling rather helpless too. I feel trapped in the circles, being pulled in a downwards spiral into a bottomless pit. Or maybe there is a bottom. Hell? Am I slowly, but surely heading there?

But I don't want! I know how much He has done for me. For my soul. I don't want it to be wasted. Don't want His blood to be wasted. But sometimes, I just can't get out of it. Honestly, there were really times when I thought to myself, "This is it lah.. Im heading for death and nobody can help me."

Scary how the devil can pull your thoughts away ya?

But thank God, because I am still here, struggling. I just don't want to loosen my grasp on Jesus, even at times when I almost almost was led to think that I have reached a dead end, thank God that my fingers are still gripping onto the ends of Jesus's clothes. Or maybe, He was the one who held on to me? I don't believe that I should be heading for destruction. I believe that God chose me for glory, for goodness, for the heavenly kingdom. Otherwise, why would He go through all the trouble to die for me, to seek me, to wash me, and to fill me? He hopes to see me in heaven I know. I must repent. I must go back to Him.

O God... teach me to speak less and listen more. Let me rather speak more to you than to man! Put words into my mouth so that I can help others, and at the same time edify myself. Draw me close to You...

I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

I would have lost heart,
unless Jesus had held onto me
and reminded me that I was chosen for glory
and not for shame.

I would have lost heart,
unless the Holy Spirit had reminded me
of the story of Jesus and the cross
and how I can have strength again through Him.

Don't lose heart, meixing, cos God can surely help you.