blameless
I really appreciate the love and concern I've received. Don't worry, I believe I am resilient. I won't die.
A few times for the past few days, I have been looking out into the sky. Finally, there was the sun shining through the clouds today. It has been so gloomy and I hate that weather. It make me sick, literally. But I know of someone who like that kind of weather, and that kind of temperature.
So, every time I look up into the sky, I will try to locate God, and I will talk to Him in my heart. Tears would flow so easily now. Its like a bottle of coke after you shake it. The gas just threatens to burst out, but you force the cap on and it doesn't. Once you slightly loosen it however, everything flows out. My heart is like a bottle of shakened coke.
But I also remember very clearly this:
I was looking at the sky and wondering what would I do if Jesus came then? Like, right then. I was like all teary-eyed, but if Jesus came then, surely I would be happy! I have waited so long for that day. But I remember that somewhere my heart tells me no, I won't be happy. Because I would be ashamed to meet God in that kind of state. God will look at me and ask me, "Hello? What is wrong with you? What's with the teary-eyes? And the gloom that lurked over your face? You look like one with no hope and no tomorrow!"
At that moment, I realised that no, I don't want Jesus to come then. Not before I pick myself up again. Not before I dry those tears. Not before my heart is healed by the Holy Spirit. Not before I am perfected. Not before I learn to entrust everything to Him, and to abide in Him, and Him in me.
I must be able to stand up first, before I meet Jesus during His Second Coming. If Jesus sees me like this, even I myself feel that I am not fit to enter heaven.
So, I say, I am resilient. I am stubborn. I am anal. Ever since I was a little girl, I love challenges. This time, the challenge is to pull myself together. It's going to be very hard. But I must accomplish it eventually. I want to meet God on that day, and have Him declare me blameless before Him.
Meixing, focus. You have many many who love you, and God, who loves you deeply.
A few times for the past few days, I have been looking out into the sky. Finally, there was the sun shining through the clouds today. It has been so gloomy and I hate that weather. It make me sick, literally. But I know of someone who like that kind of weather, and that kind of temperature.
So, every time I look up into the sky, I will try to locate God, and I will talk to Him in my heart. Tears would flow so easily now. Its like a bottle of coke after you shake it. The gas just threatens to burst out, but you force the cap on and it doesn't. Once you slightly loosen it however, everything flows out. My heart is like a bottle of shakened coke.
But I also remember very clearly this:
I was looking at the sky and wondering what would I do if Jesus came then? Like, right then. I was like all teary-eyed, but if Jesus came then, surely I would be happy! I have waited so long for that day. But I remember that somewhere my heart tells me no, I won't be happy. Because I would be ashamed to meet God in that kind of state. God will look at me and ask me, "Hello? What is wrong with you? What's with the teary-eyes? And the gloom that lurked over your face? You look like one with no hope and no tomorrow!"
At that moment, I realised that no, I don't want Jesus to come then. Not before I pick myself up again. Not before I dry those tears. Not before my heart is healed by the Holy Spirit. Not before I am perfected. Not before I learn to entrust everything to Him, and to abide in Him, and Him in me.
I must be able to stand up first, before I meet Jesus during His Second Coming. If Jesus sees me like this, even I myself feel that I am not fit to enter heaven.
So, I say, I am resilient. I am stubborn. I am anal. Ever since I was a little girl, I love challenges. This time, the challenge is to pull myself together. It's going to be very hard. But I must accomplish it eventually. I want to meet God on that day, and have Him declare me blameless before Him.
Meixing, focus. You have many many who love you, and God, who loves you deeply.
