Not all who wander are aimless?
I am feeling quite useless. I wonder if there is anything worthy in me at all. I feel like a useless vessel that the Master would just chuck at one corner, collecting dust. I feel drained, unwanted.
Today, a younger sister asked me, quite randomly, "Do you feel lonely?" It was a question that strikes a chord within my heart. It resonates so strongly in me that it hurts. It had hit a raw nerve.
While I made my way back home from church today, I wondered "What on earth am I doing here?" People have stopped loving you. You can't do anything for God. You thought at least you still have a home, but you returned to an empty house. What is my worth? Can somebody tell me? Even I myself can't see any good in me anymore. Rather, I see a filthy, insincere heart. I see a useless body that has no benefit for the Lord's work. I see a hypocritical face that pretends to be zealous, but who knows what's really in her heart?
I told myself that the time is short. I shouldn't cry anymore, instead I must busy myself with God's work. I need to bring my family and friends to church. I thought it didn't matter what I have lost, for if my family and friends can come to church and believe in Christ, I'm sure this joy would cover over all sorrow. So I put my heart and mind into this. I really put my heart and soul into this, such that it is taking such a toil on me. And when one after another rejects me, my heart grew even heavier. What am I here for, if I can't even get the people around me to church? What I am doing here, if I can't even do the most basic thing for God? I suddenly find that I am not good for anything. I walked aimlessly back home. And I spent the entire evening in front of the tv, aimlessly switching from channel to channel. I fear pressing that "off" button because the silence of an empty house really overwhelms me these days.
I asked God to take me away again today. I was drifting off to sleep in the afternoon when emotions took over me and I think I made that (impulsive?) request. I am really feeling tired. I look at the world and I feel that I haven't the strength to overcome it. Look at my family. Look at my life. Look at myself! It is just too hard. Too hard. The world is too scary. People are also scary. I scare myself too.
Turandot tmr.. but somehow, I am not that excited about it. :(
Today, a younger sister asked me, quite randomly, "Do you feel lonely?" It was a question that strikes a chord within my heart. It resonates so strongly in me that it hurts. It had hit a raw nerve.
While I made my way back home from church today, I wondered "What on earth am I doing here?" People have stopped loving you. You can't do anything for God. You thought at least you still have a home, but you returned to an empty house. What is my worth? Can somebody tell me? Even I myself can't see any good in me anymore. Rather, I see a filthy, insincere heart. I see a useless body that has no benefit for the Lord's work. I see a hypocritical face that pretends to be zealous, but who knows what's really in her heart?
I told myself that the time is short. I shouldn't cry anymore, instead I must busy myself with God's work. I need to bring my family and friends to church. I thought it didn't matter what I have lost, for if my family and friends can come to church and believe in Christ, I'm sure this joy would cover over all sorrow. So I put my heart and mind into this. I really put my heart and soul into this, such that it is taking such a toil on me. And when one after another rejects me, my heart grew even heavier. What am I here for, if I can't even get the people around me to church? What I am doing here, if I can't even do the most basic thing for God? I suddenly find that I am not good for anything. I walked aimlessly back home. And I spent the entire evening in front of the tv, aimlessly switching from channel to channel. I fear pressing that "off" button because the silence of an empty house really overwhelms me these days.
I asked God to take me away again today. I was drifting off to sleep in the afternoon when emotions took over me and I think I made that (impulsive?) request. I am really feeling tired. I look at the world and I feel that I haven't the strength to overcome it. Look at my family. Look at my life. Look at myself! It is just too hard. Too hard. The world is too scary. People are also scary. I scare myself too.
Turandot tmr.. but somehow, I am not that excited about it. :(
