the time of singing has come!

Have you ever seen someone cry on the train or on the bus? Have you ever thought of offering a tissue or even some kind words like, "Are you ok?"

You know, I have always wondered if I would do that if I see someone cry on the train or bus. I feel that I would. I reasoned with myself that I definitely would. I know it will make that person feel better, and it will make me feel good too.

(Or even when someone keep sniffing away and using his hand to wipe away what comes out from his nose, you can try to be nice and offer some tissue! I met with this incident once and I desperately wanted to offer some tissue but I was paiseh and also scared he paiseh so I didn't and this thing has been bugging me until now. :S)

I don't know why tears were streaming down my face when I was on the bus home from church just now. I have been on a emotional rollercoaster ride for almost 2 months now. Each time I thought I am better, I plunged to the deepest again. I don't know why I am subjecting myself to all these, why I just cannot cheer up. People has been telling me it's ok to be sad, they tell me not to force myself to be happy if I am not because it's very tiring on the soul. I don't think I am even forcing myself to be happy anymore. I am just sad, almost all the time. And I am beginning to fear that people will shun me because I am always gloomy and no fun.

I guess the reason why I am still subjecting myself to these is that I don't want to give up so easily. I am using the same persistence I have in pursuing Christ to seek after the matter at hand here. I don't want to give up, unless there is really nothing left anymore. Then I would have to give up..

But this is so hard. It is different from pursuing Christ, because in pursuing God, you have that eternal hope and you know that His promises are true. So no matter what, I can persist, because I know that at the end of it all, I will win, with Christ by my side. But in this matter, I have no idea what is at the end of it.

You know, actually I am really tired. I have done all that I could. What more must I do? They have been telling me that I deserve better. I feel that way too. But I still can't help it...

Actually I don't want to cry anymore. But I can't help it when my heart suddenly chooses to feel hurt again and the pain is felt again.

And look at the number of new clothes, bag, shoes I have... I wonder if I am numbing myself with all these things. But I have promised myself, no more spending money on new stuffs until the end of the semester. I think I have spent hundreds in just the past month or so. :S

Please do not shun me, because I am no fun anymore. I know it is hard to be around someone who is always gloomy, but please give me time.. I will snap out of it... Because I believe in God. He hears me, and He takes pity on my soul.

Actually, this matter made me realised another thing: God really hasn't been first place in my life afterall. I had always felt that He was. But He isn't, at least not totally.

If God had always been first place in my heart, I wouldn't have been sad for two months now. I actually smiled at the realization of this, seeing how I had deceived myself in the past, claiming that God held first place, and realising how God had made use of this matter to let me learn this. Now, I want to learn to really put Jesus first in my life and in my heart.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
(I realised that the chinese version is also equally nice.)

Sometimes, I wonder why God wants me to be so perfect when I can see so many flaws and imperfections in others. Don't I deserve a break? Can I not be made so perfect? It is very painful for the potter to press against the clay, in order to create that perfect masterpiece he has in mind. And it is very hot when the fire burn against the silver in order to burn away the impurities. Sometimes, I ask God, "Why You allow others to be imperfect but demand that I go through so much in life in order to be perfected? I am only a little woman. I seek only a simple life, with God and a happy family, with people who love me. I am not going to be some big character, like Paul or Elijah. Why must I undergo so much?"

However, when I realised that God actually saw the good in me to want me to be perfected, and actually spend time with me to perfect me, I know that I want to be perfect for Him. Since He knows me better than I know myself, and He would never give me more than I can bear, I believe I can eventually emerge to be a perfect vessel for Him.

Don't fear, meixing. If you truly seek after God, even if He allows everything to be taken away from you now, in the future He will definitely give you things which are even better. He will return you tenfold the things you have lost, if you trust and obey Him.

If you happen to see someone cry on the bus/train, please offer a tissue or some kind words of comfort. If you happen to see me cry on the bus/train, please do it all the more!