the time of singing has come!

The tears behind the laughter.
The sadness in the eyes.

I always take some time before I can write an entry. The first words are always the hardest. I want to express my inner feelings with words. I want to describe the exact thing I am experiencing, but it's hard. I have been feeling so much emotions lately that I am like in a rollercoaster ride. And the longer you stay on one, the more tired you get.

I have been trying to occupy myself with things to do in the past week. I also talked quite a lot to friends. I do feel better... The only time that I have to feel sad is perhaps the times I am alone taking the bus or the train, or in between people's chattering and suddenly you zone out and the emotions start to pour into you again. During Holy Communion today, I wanted to tell God with all my heart that God, I want to keep the covenant for You. That it really doesn't matter what is happening, what is gone, or what is still around, I want to keep going for You. But suddenly, I grew really weak and really scared. I felt that I might not be able to do it. If I am not able to continue on, what will become of me? I grew really scared and really strengthless. Then, as I was eating the bread, I thought of how God fed Elijah in the cave so that he may have the strength to walk on. I knew then that God will give me the strength I require.

I know that God will be my strength. I know that He will protect me so that I will not be hurt anymore. I want to hide in Him. I wish I can be shielded from what I can't bear to see, or know. I have been thinking so much, too much. If I continue to think, I know I will go crazy. After I came back from the doc's on Monday, I know that I have to stop thinking. I want to stop thinking. But I still can't help it. I wonder how one can do it.

Sometimes, I really want to go away. I have never ever thought of leaving Singapore, but I actually don't mind now. Like, to study or to work.

And, you know, I actually can't wait for school. I need to occupy myself with work. I need to keep my mind active with some other things, so that I will not be able to think about this.

I finally understand why people blast music into their ears while on the train or bus. I think they are trying to block away sad thoughts. As you see the roads pass you by, memories just keep flashing by in your mind too. These people don't want to think nor feel. I need to do that too, at least for now. At least until I am more emotionally stable.

God, is it just me? Is this really what I deserve?

Wait, Meixing, with faith.