the time of singing has come!

Today is a day of mixed emotions. I could not really put my whole heart into any thing. Have I taken the sacraments lightly?

Baptism took a while only. I didnt have much time to think much about it, though I was slightly moved when I was witnessing those in front of me getting baptised first. But when it was my turn, the high tide and the deep water kind of took my attention away from the saving grace of the blood of Christ. I tried to kneel and I found myself drifting away if not for preacher and deacon holding tightly to me. I shut my eyes and tried to pray. I heard pr chin prayed, "In the name of Lord Jesus,................ for the remission of sins." And I was gently pushed into the waters. It all took a few seconds. When I came up out of the water, I was actually a new man already! no more sins... The high tide showed the abundance of Jesus's blood shed for all man. The backwash took my sins all away when I stood up out of the water. Actually I didnt feel much at that point in time. I felt that I was almost going through a procedure only. Which is so wrong!! But there were so many things bothering me in my heart that I seemed not to have peace. I was really worried about my mom and her two Christian friends. I felt sad that nobody really helped me to "look after" them.

Back at the church hall, we had the footwashing sacrament. What I really remembered was the cold, clean water that was used to wash my feet. The icy feeling that my feet felt was also how I felt in the waters during baptism. I really felt that the water was really clean indeed, as pure as the blood of Christ. So pure and clean that indeed, it is the only thing that can really cleanse me thoroughly. I felt clean from head to toe after baptism and footwashing. It was a good feeling.

I had my first ever Holy Communion today. I partook in the body and blood of Jesus. I was a part of the household of God.

But throughout, i was very worried for my mom and the two aunties. I felt struggled. I was really trying to esteem these sacraments but yet I cant help but worry for them. I dunno if its the devil's ploy. Because actually worrying seemed as though I didn't trust God enough. But what can I do? I can't help worrying! And there was no one with them. And they left right after the service ended. I felt kind of lost then. I tried to smile for the group photo for baptismal candidates. But everyone seemed to have their family with them, yet I was alone.

I tried to be more positive during lunch and I was glad to have two sisters hear me out a little. And choir was good. I enjoyed all the singing, though it was really tiring. Everyone was calling me "sister". People came to congratulate me. Almost everyone smiled at me when walking past me. Truly, I thank God. But at the end of the day, I started to feel more like an extra, rather than a main character. Perhaps I felt un-included. W went off to meet her friends. The younger youths had their programme. And I dunno about the rest. True, I wanted to go straight home. Was really tired. But going home alone wasn't something I was looking forward to. I really envy those who forever have company to go home with. As I walk out towards the busstop myself, I tried to entertain myself with the photos in my camera. And at that point in time, I really miss yuhua. Really really. Even now. I came to realise actually I really didnt have many friends in church. While W starts to have her own company of friends, and A is very worried about her exams and yuhua is not in Singapore, I basically have no one else to turn to already.

Actually, I could handle my emotions, about having to go home myself. Haven I done that for the most part of my first year in church? Have I forgotten how God walked home with me? Have I lost that faith now? When I've just got baptised? But yet, there comes shi, then cp.... who at least were nice and didn't ignore me. Briefly talked to me and cp even offered a ride to the station. But what was worst was that I had to meet with a group of brethren at the busstop, only to face disappointment. I didn't know that they were waiting for D1 to pick them up. And just nice, bus 33 came and D2 kind of brought that to my attention. So i decided to board the bus while the 5 of them drove off in the car. Tell me, if you were me, how would you have feel? Is it not justifiable of me to feel hurt? Tell me, if you just got baptised and you thought you belong to a big family now but yet at the end of the day, you went home alone, a lonely bus ride home, how would you feel? Seriously, if we didnt have choir practice, I think I would have gone straight home after baptism or something. And so I thank God there was choir practice.... because I really wanted to spend time with my church brethren.

I dun think I am blaming anyone. And I know that it is super unedifying to keep harping on these things in an online blog. But i really need to say it somewhere. My diary seemed to have lost the effect. I am sorry that I am so weak. I seek human approval and I guess I dun like to be excluded. I can already foresee that I might give problems to people already. Remember I said before, baptism isn't going to change things. (Other than the saving power of baptism.) I really miss yuhua. And I really hope to have someone to share all these with. But sadly, sometimes, things are just the way they are and we can't do much about it. Its sad when you thought you do have someone but that person is not really able to be there as well. Maybe I was really tired and I still am. Because as soon as I reached home, I slept all the way until 10pm.

These burdens that seemed to still plague my heart made me wonder if my sins were really washed away and if i were really cleansed. If baptism had really washed away all my sins and made me a new man, shouldn't I be feeling joyful? These thoughts are scary because they really meant that I had shown contempt for the sacraments. But I dun want to think this way! I believe in the saving power of water baptism! I believe that my sins have been washed away and I am now a part of the body of Christ. The devil can't con me.

Think I need some time to adjust though. I still dun see myself as being a part of them, the people in church. Perhaps its a self-imposed barrier. But for almost 3 years, i had mentally regarded myself as being different and separated from them, guess you cannot expect me to immediately feel that I am one with them right after baptism..

Of course... there are happy things to be grateful for too. I really appreciate the fact that A took time to come and she was the one who stood by me throughout sacraments and even helped me take some precious photos. Even got a little present from her and W (: so sweet of them. And in fact, my mom's two friends were very sweet too. One wanted to get me a flower. The other bought me a bookmark and a card. yay.. I have a weird fetish for cards and i finally received a "for your baptism" card! And grateful for hj, my ever so loyal friend. Though I only told him one day before, he still took the time to come down and witness my big day. And for my mom, because she came as well. And towards everyone else who came to share my joy, smiled at me, called me "sister", offered words of encouragement, i really appreciated all of it and I truly thank God.

All in all, I really just feel that God wants to teach me a very important lesson here. A lesson that has been ongoing but something perhaps I am still lacking. I am always alone, at the end of the day. But I know He wants to teach me independence, for i have always been very reliant on others - I like to be taken care of. I know that God is training me up for what is to come. I only pray I am strong enough to endure the training. I know He wants to teach me total reliance on Him and only Him alone. I also pray I can meet His standards. Man may fail me but God will never disappoint me. He is always always around.

Happy birthday, sister meixing. Be courageous as you embark on your journey towards your heavenly home. Remember love and humility. And most importantly, remember to open your heart to God, for healing and comfort and renewal of the soul so that you may gather more strength each day.

你 要 保 守 你 心 ， 胜 过 保 守 一 切 ， 因 为 一 生 的 果 效 是 由 心 发 出 。
箴 言 4:23

They called me "truthseeker tan" today. haha. but nobody ever calls me that before anyway!

PS even came to me, waving and saying "hi!!" enthusiastically. She said that was the last time she'll do that to me as a truthseeker.

After choir, went for supper with some church brethren, mainly the younger youths. I felt welcomed and special. Strangely, some of those younger ones who never spoke to me before actually like talked to me, albeit briefly. But it felt really nice, like im one of them. Quite a number of them said they will be going tmr. (:

Hmmm actually last night i cried. I dunno if its due to stress over my exams or what. Could I actually be stressed over my baptism?? actually i dun like changes. Im kind of sentimental and seems to always think that the past was better. But this time round, it is a good change!

They asked me to pen my feelings and thoughts before and after baptism. They say it will be different... really? but i really dunno what to say now? How am I feeling? Actually I dun really feel anything?? Or perhaps its so mixed that all my feelings and emotions are nullified. haha..

The duty roster for spiritual meeting finally has got my name.

"sis meixing"

They assumed that by the time spiritual meeting, I would be baptised. But seeing those words, actually I felt happy within. Its like Im no longer going to be just someone who observes in the church. Im really going to be a part of the church. I am also reminded of something a brother once told me. We were talking about storing up treasures in heaven. But he brought to my attention that I haven got an account up there yet. This kind of surprised me then. But to think that from tomorrow onwards, I finally have my own account up in heaven! Its like having my own pigeon hole labelled "sis meixing"!

If i were to really quiet down and ponder, I cant help but really feel unworthy to be cleansed in His blood. Its just the song that we are going to sing for evangelistic.

"Why did He go to Calvary? Why was His life's blood shed for me? Why did He suffer like no man had ever done? There's just one reason. I am the one."

They told me they cried during their baptism. I dunno if I will. MY said, when you are there, the emotions will come. I guess I shall not think too much. Just let God lead me. But Im just worried that I have not totally repent of all my sins, especially since I am in the midst of my exams. I really pray that God's spirit will move me tmr, to lead me through baptism, foot washing and holy communion and allowing me to esteem these sacraments. Most importantly, that He may let me see the efficacy of His blood in baptism, understand the teachings behind footwashing, and treasure that I am finally a part of Him as I partake of His body and blood in Holy Communion.

I can't believe it's tomorrow!
Goodbye, truthseeker tan!
AAAAAAAAHHHH.

Baptism:

-- the blood of Jesus washes away your sins.

"how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?" Hebrews 9:14

"... and without shedding of blood there is no remission." Hebrews 9:22

-- the death and burial of the sinful being and the rebirth of a spiritual, eternal life.

"In Him you were also circumcised with the circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the sins of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, buried with Him in baptism, in which you also were raised with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses" Colossians 2:11-13

-- put on Christ and become a new man. (the life that we live after baptism is no longer ours, but Christ’s.)

"For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ." Galatians 3:27

-- a member of the household of God, the body of Christ.

"For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free—and have all been made to drink into one Spirit." 1 Corinthians 12:13

-- reconciled with God, therefore a child of God, with the hope of entering the kingdom of God.

"Jesus answered, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. " John 3:5


What it entails:

-- church work!
-- able to partake in the body and blood of Christ.
-- being part of the big family of Christ! finally receive my citizenship, no more second-rate PR!
-- trials and tribulations

"strengthening the souls of the disciples, exhorting them to continue in the faith, and saying, “We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God.” " Acts 14:22

Countdown to the big day: 6 days

it always sadden me greatly when I am unable to see eye-to-eye with my parents, especially my mom. We kind of argued just now over certain things regarding religions. I guess perhaps I shouldnt have watched "journey to the west" with them. But it was a funny show and i was laughing silently throughout about how ridiculous that people can really imagine all these stories to be true! Cant they tell that these are just legends and myths passed down from generations to generations? I didnt think my parents will actually believe all the content of the show to be true... i mean the show is probably based on a script written for the sake of viewerships! surely my parents realised that?! I mean the content is so ridiculously funny lahh. How can all these deities and demons featured in the show be real?

But i realised that my parents really did believe every single thing in the show. Because when the show ended, my pa jokingly ask me if i believe all that.. so i said, "no. but its funny." and that started a mini debate between me and my mom. She insisted that those were our ancestor's belief and it was passed down from generations to generations to us today and so they are true. And went on and on and again, criticized on how selfish christianity is... etc. I didnt know what to say. Maybe I did, but I didnt know how to say... How to let them know what Christianity really is. How to tell them how good it is to know God. How to let them see God, for themselves..

I often feel lonely. I am right now. In fact, I have nothing. I only have God. Now that I know Him, I am never going to let Him go. The brethrens Im close to in church might not be able to fully understand what im going through too. For they either have grown up in church, or they are not the only believer in their family. So sometimes, I wish I have someone, who had been through what Im going through, to cry with... and to pray with. Who can understand me but God?

One preacher always talk about how we should look towards our heavenly home. In fact, each time this is discussed, I will be thinking in my heart "Yes, Lord.. I want to go there. Please come quickly!" (remember that, to go back to our heavenly kingdom is why we became Christians for!) I've been through almost 1/4 of my life on earth and except to marry in the Lord and raise a godly household, there seems nothing in the world that is able to entice me to live on this earth. Nothing on earth that can satisfy me, except service and fellowship in the Lord.

But of course, God's strength kept me going each time I am weak. I understood my duty and commission. It is really up to me if I want the people around me to be saved.

haiiiii ok. Im done with feeling sorry for myself. When I am weak, that is when I am strong. God reminds me that as long as i am with Him, all things is possible. And He is always with me, I am not alone.

I know that my blog is probably regarded as pessimistic by unbelievers. I think I am perceived as being narrow-minded. "The world is so big out there! Such vast amount of knowledge waiting to be learned! Such beautiful places in the world waiting to be explored!" and yet I say there is nothing that can attract me?

Of course I would love to go travelling and take in new knowledge! But, if you think this world is so big and beautiful, imagine what the Creator will prepare for His people in the heavenly kingdom! I can't imagine... but I can't wait. And no knowledge is better than the knowledge of God. If only you would give yourself a chance to know Him.

okie. enough of babbling.. im having flu man ): must study hard hard hard.

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.
Almighty God

I have handed in the form! said a silent prayer before doing so. I asked that God will lead me and help me throughout my walk of faith and I believe that He will definitely do so. I must do what is according to His will. I have nothing to fear. Continue to pray!

No motivation to make that step. Or is it due to fear? Fear of what? I've been walking on the same spot, making no progress for quite a while le, haven i? I am still walking, but im not productive in my walk.

I think its time to make that step forward. We can't be stagnant in our faith. But even though, its just one step, this step is the most significant and the most critical in our spiritual walk. I need to step forward, in order for me to proceed on the journey home! Otherwise I will never reach my destination..

But yet, still hesitant to make this one step. My limbs are feeble. My heart is frail. God, strengthen my heart today to be resolute.

I ran into a stranger as he passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told, how we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, my son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,

“While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, you'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise; you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small, and now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found them, out by the tree. I picked them because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like them, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.”

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

God Bless You!
_____________________________________________________
Its marvelous how God's Word always come at the right time. When I am not feeling the least bit joyful, a sermon on "Joy that is full" is told. Since I have just talked to my parents regarding baptism, this email seemed to come at an opportune time! I got to learn how to love my parents and my family even more. Mustn't forget to repay my parents while on my journey of repaying God's love as well. Mustn't take them for granted. Jia you!

God is good! The way He works is truly amazing. My parents gave me the green light to decide for myself! But they ask me to think carefully and not to regret in future. Im so glad I could talk to them regarding faith and religions again. Especially my dad, I think it was a first that I spoke to him regarding such topics. Had a good discussion, though many disagreements are not yet resolved. I decided not to dwell too much on some, knowing that God will gradually work in their hearts to give them understanding. Well, this is my hope. (:

Now, how can I be resolute in my decision?

Oh. another happy thing. had my choir audition today! Haaa was kind of nervous, especially since I haven got ANY music background. But thank God! Its only through Him that Im able to sing for Him! Bro chung pow asked me to try first sop! (:

I did not go out to have a great celebration today but throughout my twenty years of life, I feel that today was a good (birth)day spent. In the morning, my mom "celebrated" for me. Since my lazy brother did not want to wake up and sing me birthday song, my mom actually sang it to me. haa.. made a wish (guess what? Its the second time I am asked to make a wish and I made the same one (: ) and took photos with the cake and my mom too!

Then basically the afternoon was spent in school, having my two lectures. Im glad I didnt choose to miss them though. (: At night, had a good service in church. edifying sermon which God had planned beforehand. "Joy that is full" is the title when I realised I haven been joyful in the Lord lately! He is so amazing and marvelous in His ways!

The first thing that the elder said was that "man lose joy, because man has left God." This impacted me already. This is exactly what I am going through now! Therefore I need to find back my joy in the Lord.. I need to abide in Him and receive the fullness of joy from Him. May God pour out his love into my heart abundantly and let me remember to rejoice in Him always. And what happened next was even amazing. Two persons received (or was moved) the Holy Spirit! Im so happy!! God is really so amazing.. its always in His time and He knows it best.

And I satisfied my cravings for really cheesy cheesecake at cafe cartel tm with yuhua after service. This is also perhaps my "20th birthday celebration". Haaa.. but I am glad. cos our sharing only serves to edify me further in the ways of the Lord. I still have a long way to go but i am glad yuhua (and others) is here to help.

I reached home almost at midnight! quite drained... I received two presents today. I decided that I really like the Study Bible!! And the other present, of course I love it.

Thanks all for contributing to this blessed day. May the Lord renew me day by day so that I can remove the old self and wrong thinkings and be a new man in Christ.