the time of singing has come!

Look on my right hand and see,
For there is no one who acknowledges me;
Refuge has failed me;
No one cares for my soul.
(Psalms 142:4)

Nobody seemed to care for his soul.... Is it just another soul (that we will lose)? Maybe because he's my grandpa so I am naturally more anxious. Maybe if it was someone else's grandpa, I wouldn't respond with much too?

That's why... only God is good. He cares for everyone's soul. I know He cares deeply.

Answer me speedily, O LORD;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.
(Psalms 143:7-8)

I can't believe he nodded.

As usual, he was sleeping. I have not yet seen his eyes opened for the past three days when I visited him. But when I was about to leave the hospital, I decided to let him know. I touched his bony, wrinkled hand, while calling him 阿公，阿公！But he didn't really respond. I thought he was sleepy. So I told him I am leaving, while my uncle and grandma also told him that in Hokkien. I looked at him, and felt sad that he couldn't even realise my existence there and then. That I, his granddaughter was actually there to visit him. He can't even know that. It's like, as he sleeps, he is oblivious to his surroundings. That was when I decided to say bye again one final time. I said, "阿公，我先回了。你好好休息hor.."

Then he gave a nod. I couldn't believe my eyes. I asked in surprise, "He nodded?" Someone replied, "Yes, he nodded."

I felt a sudden surge of emotions rushing through me and threatening to flow through my eyes.

His nod acknowledged my existence there and then.
His nod acknowledged my love and concern for him.

I am not close to any of my grandparents but now, I wish that I could turn back time, to have the chance to grow closer to them.

Sabbath is approaching. Pray that God grant me and my family peace, and continue to have mercy on my grandpa.

算了啦。

aiyah.. 死就死了lo... I can't do anything now right? I don't think he can be saved le. There is just nothing I can do le. Ask ministers to come also won't save his life anyway le. Maybe I shall just leave things as it is.

But why? Is his life so worthless? Does God see it as so worthless too?

No right? Every individual's life is precious in God's sight. And God desires that all men be saved. God wouldn't use his life just to test me. He wouldn't toy with someone's life like that. He isn't cruel.

But what if the ministers came, and then shortly after he can't make it? My entire family will blame me. I would have lost any chance of preaching to them then. Nobody will accept or listen to what I have to say anymore. Might as well just skip this time round and just let it pass..... without even a sound..

But how could I? How could I be so cruel not to even try? How could I miss the opportunity given by God? How could I see his life as so insignificant?

It was then that I felt a knock on my head. A tug at the door of my heart. How faithless I have been! I doubted God's mercies. I doubted His plan. I doubted His almightiness.

His plans for me are not of evil, but of hope and a future. I was too worried that my family might accused me. I was also worried that I will cause him more harm than good. But who knows, maybe the prayers of faith will make him feel better, give him peace, even if it may not save his soul. And who knows, maybe he will be healed and even be baptised? And maybe it is a door from God to finally reach out to my family, even my grandma? Maybe this is the future that He is trying to plan for me, but it would require me to open that door myself...

And even if something less pleasant should happen, and I be persecuted, it is alright as long as I know that it is still according to His plan. His plan is good. It will be good. Just that I don't know what it is yet...

God is in every circumstances that we meet in life. He must be there. There wouldn't be something that happened that God didn't know of. He is there, hoping to steer us on the right track, but because He isn't all-controlling, He doesn't take the steering wheel himself. So, since God is behind the picture, something good must come out of this. If I know what is His will. And if knowing what is His will, I act upon it.

Please pray for my grandpa, my family and me. Thanks.

My spirit is growing faint within me.
My soul is crushed to the ground.
I feel a slap on my cheek.
Why can't you spare me a little more of your patience?
Me, who is already struggling to stand.

I feel like a failure in all things.
Nothing gets done right.
I watch as the ferocious tide pours itself upon me,
One after another.
They strike me down,
Though I've tried
To resist
To struggle
Yet I am but dust,
How can I take all these?

Sorrow and anguish blurred my vision
and wet my face
But I have nothing to say.
What can I say?
I don't even want to feel now.
I'd rather be ignorant of all these.
Maybe it's just a silly bad dream?
Maybe God is just testing you?
He wouldn't be so cruel to you, will He?

I am already trying so hard, Lord.
What else do You want me to do?

The Bible says God is merciful. So, He will save, right?
How can He watch as my grandpa suffers?
How can He bear to watch the tears rolling down his face as he cries in pain?
I don't even dare to go visit him, for fear that the tears might flow.

I hate it when the tears flow.
I hate to feel my heart ache, as though something just drilled a hole through it.
I hate sleepless nights because many different thoughts will simply flood my mind
and I will start crying again.
Hate it! Hate it!
I hate being weak.
I hate being exhausted until I am left with nothing.
When not even my spirit is left within me.
Such that I become a walking zombie.

Today I went back to campus after a long three month break. Was it long? Hmm.. I think it was long enough. Shall be contented and thank God!

Please allow me to list down all the events that had happened in the past three months.

- Yuhua/Sze Fong's Wedding
- Love Feast @ Youth
- Worked at NTUC Income
- Mid-Year Spiritual Meeting cum 80th Anninversary
- Choir Fellowship @ Sabah
- EWR @ Edinburgh, Scotland (+ stopover London)
- Farewell, LQ
- Started on my daily meditation
- Mid-Year Evangelistic Services
- Led BS once, did tracting once, visiting once
- Started going for more BS
- Helping with the lyrics of a composition
- Started to learn music theory
- Outdoor Youth + Harry Potter movie with the sisters
- Post-Sabah Choir Gathering at East Meadow
- Started playing the piano
- Started to pack room

But what happened to my article? Eeeks, big procrastinator me. Sigh... (Oh yar, got to make sure that my grammar are right first. -_-")

I thank God that I had a rather good break, that I had the opportunity to grow. After going through so many things, I realised that I am still very immature. Many many things that I thought I knew, but really, I don't. A three-month-break is really a blessing from God. Cherish it, you guys who just entered university! And make full use of it. I wish I had done more... I hope that the list will continue to get longer and longer each holiday, but alas, I have only one 3-month-holiday left in my entire life.

It's ok, I am sure God will open the way for me to offer up my all to Him. Doesn't mean only during holiday then it is possible.. I just have to work at it.

But at the same time, I am quite determined not to neglect my studies le.. I can't possibly graduate as a Psychology major without remembering anything of Psychology! That will be wasting my 3-4 years of uni life. I think God will not be pleased with that as well. I need better time management...

And I am quite determined to just go ahead and pursue my interests! I will pick up piano and I am sure if I pray hard enough, I will be able to play reasonably well soon. Then, I will be able to play and sing by myself! Sounds 自闭 but oh wells. I won't have to keep pestering people to play the piano for me whenever I feel like singing.

And this three month break, I think I have come to know more sisters better. Really glad. And somehow, I have grown slightly more independent too. It took me a fall to learn that. I was growing too reliant on people that I realised this just isn't the way. I was needing people in church. But that was not right. Not really right. I need God in church, that's all. And when I have God, all other things will fall in place nicely. Which is what happened. I can bear with moving from group to group now, knowing that wherever I go, there's God beside me. I must make God my best friend!

This was also the break when I moved out of my comfort zone and got to know brethren from overseas. Previously I only know a few brethren from Perth or South Africa when they come to Singapore for theolo. I never really knew life beyond what I experience here in Singapore. Even more importantly, I never really knew the lives of brethren outside Singapore. And I have never been to any of our churches overseas, except the time when I just started attending church, I passed by TJC, Penang when on a holiday!

Through the fellowship in Sabah and the retreat in Edinburgh, I came into contact with brethren there and received much of their warmth and love. It was as if I have knew them all my life. I felt at ease and at home, feeling that common understanding, that common bond amongst us. I really miss UK actually. It was so nice there. I might consider migrating to Scotland in the future. (Oh, and I miss the days with em @UK too!)

And each time I enter a building with the name "True Jesus Church", whether in Sabah or in UK, immediately I feel happy and peaceful and I feel at home. I truly think that God is such a wonderful God. He truly wants to save all men. Even though we may be of different languages, or different colours, or different cultures, we are all one in the body of Jesus. It's so amazing (almost unfathomable!) that I don't know how to describe it. And it's really beautiful grace to me, because I am not even baptised for a year yet I have come to be a part of all these. Amazing grace, He has showered upon me.

I want to go out there into the world and to get to know all those that are in Christ. I miss the green pastures and wide open fields that passed us by on the train journey to Edinburgh. I miss the little sheep and goats and cows and horses grazing on the big plain. I miss the wide open skies, which in Singapore, seemed to be blocked by the towering buildings. After being out there, you realised that Singapore is indeed so small. Where you are, where you live, it is just so small. Move out of your comfort zone and see the world as God would like you to see. There are so many flocks out there, waiting for their Shepherd.

okok, I talked too much and digressed. But I still can't believe my three months just passed like that. Sigh. But it was fruitful ba. I still remember I "dedicated" my three months to the Lord the previous vacation, and that year I got baptised. This time round, it's another level of growth. I want to forever keep this wonderful memory in my heart. And I hope that with the start of the new school year, I will not slacken in my faith and my labour, but to do even more. (It's hard, but I must do it.)

Today I went all the way to campus for a one-hour lecture. -_- My FIRST lecture, after so long. But not too bad, even though its Biological Psychology (never touched bio ever before!). So anyway, it's looking good? I am actually quite looking forward to school now. But still got many things on hand to first settle settle settle.

Looking forward to the next big thing in church (since no more hymnal evangelistic ):, everyone can take a breather): Student Theolo Third Year!