阿公
女孩：爸爸，这条是往哪里的路？
爸爸：你不知道吗？是往家的路呀.
女孩：但是，怎么走了那么久都还没到呢？
He's gone. My 阿公is gone. He went off on the first day of my exams, in between my two papers. That was yesterday, around noon. When the doctor said he has only a few hours to live, he actually held on for a few days before leaving. He is so strong, and so tough. It was almost like he doesn't want to leave, like he wants to hear the gospel, the truth. But I didn't give him the gospel. I could only hold his hand in silent prayers, crying to God, "Lord, have mercy on his poor soul!"
The past week had been terrible, but I have been spending time with my grandpa. In a way, I thank God for His mercy on me, that I went to visit my grandpa on tues night, even though I have two papers the next day and I have not finish studying. It was a last minute decision, because I was also somewhat unable to concentrate on my books, so I went along.
That night I only took a few moments to watch him and to stroke his hand, while i spent the bulk of the time in one corner of the hospital mugging away. That was the last time I see him, and touch him. I have not seen the body yet, and I am afraid to see it. That would mean the finality of it, the confirmation of a fact that had indeed occurred.
I still remember the few rare times when he seemingly responded to me. When I called him 阿公and he nodded briefly. Even earlier on, there were times when he would turn his head or shift his eyes to the side where I was, in response to my call. That was when his condition appeared to be getting better..
It had been such a difficult road to tread on. I almost think I cannot make it. I do blame myself. I know I shouldn't leave this foothold for the devil but I find myself unconsciously saying "阿公，对不起." or asking for God's forgiveness when I start to sob uncontrollably. I had really felt that God will save him. Every new year or so when I visited him and watched him in the dementia-kind of state, I had felt sure that God will help him and make him better if my family come to believe. And I was sure that my grandparents will eventually be in the Lord, with me. But once again, my passiveness had cause me to lose my grandpa.
But it was really so tough. I had to face so many things together. Could I have done more? During the uncertain times when we were told that my grandpa was gonna leave us anytime, the uncertainties almost killed me. I wonder if I should quickly get ministers to go down. I wonder if I should put my exams aside. I wonder if my grandpa might just pull through. I wonder what will happen if he didn't. Can I attend Spiritual Meeting? Can I attend theolo? Will I be made to do all the rituals and the funeral rites? All these thoughts clouded my mind while I was trying to study. Yet I could only push them aside and continue on with the only thing I could do then, which was to study. Because if I don't even do that and I collapse, everything else will just collapse over me. I couldn't see what's ahead then, but at least I saw God's light. And I could only walk on.
Last night, I couldn't study at all. I only prepared for my paper this morning one hour before it began. I broke down finally at my mom's verbal persecution last night. I think she was shocked, because she came into my room two times to apologize. I think my crying pained her too, judging from her tone. And so, I was angry at myself. Why am I crying when my mom isn't even crying? She's the sort of person to weep silently in the toilet. I take after her. My sister is the type to avoid such situations so that she wouldn't be caught crying. She numbs herself, just like my dad.
Through this period of time, I came to truly experience the mercies of God. Throughout this period, I had also prayed that God may take pity on my soul, because I fear that I may not be able to walk on anymore. And He did. I may not understand why my grandpa couldn't be saved, why God didn't want to save him. But I had this realization today - that God is a merciful God, but He is also a just God.
That thought came to me when I realised that I had managed to take a glance at the answers of two questions of my paper just before I enter the exam hall, such that I am able to at least attempt the questions. And then, my mind start to wander to other examination I had before, how I had always not finish studying, but God always pull me through, semester after semester, year after year. But the 重点is that He wouldn't make it such that I could do all the questions and that I would ace it, because it wouldn't be fair to the rest who indeed had study hard for it. But, He will allow me to get by, such that I can still get into where I want to go, what I want to do.
And so, I reckon that there is the justice of God. That things happen for a reason, and that He knows best. Yet, at the same time while He is executing justice, He is merciful and He pities my soul. He allowed me the chance to see my grandpa the night before he left, let me know the news only after my papers yesterday, and brought people to comfort me and advise me.
I will still cry. But God will comfort me. I only pray now that I am able to stand up against persecution. I will definitely not take part in those rituals. Please don't force me, mummy. Otherwise I will just collapse once again. I have only that limited strength left...
I miss going to TTSH to visit my 阿公，I miss 阿公。Even though I was never very close to him, but we share the same blood and I had really thought that he will definitely be in the Lord. I had really believed it because I know God is almighty and that He makes the seemingly impossible possible. But it's ok.. I think I have grown stronger after all these.. especially after seeing how strong my 阿公was, and how strong my mum is，I will have to be strong, because I have their blood. Plus, I have the Holy Spirit who will sustain me.
爸爸：你不知道吗？是往家的路呀.
女孩：但是，怎么走了那么久都还没到呢？
He's gone. My 阿公is gone. He went off on the first day of my exams, in between my two papers. That was yesterday, around noon. When the doctor said he has only a few hours to live, he actually held on for a few days before leaving. He is so strong, and so tough. It was almost like he doesn't want to leave, like he wants to hear the gospel, the truth. But I didn't give him the gospel. I could only hold his hand in silent prayers, crying to God, "Lord, have mercy on his poor soul!"
The past week had been terrible, but I have been spending time with my grandpa. In a way, I thank God for His mercy on me, that I went to visit my grandpa on tues night, even though I have two papers the next day and I have not finish studying. It was a last minute decision, because I was also somewhat unable to concentrate on my books, so I went along.
That night I only took a few moments to watch him and to stroke his hand, while i spent the bulk of the time in one corner of the hospital mugging away. That was the last time I see him, and touch him. I have not seen the body yet, and I am afraid to see it. That would mean the finality of it, the confirmation of a fact that had indeed occurred.
I still remember the few rare times when he seemingly responded to me. When I called him 阿公and he nodded briefly. Even earlier on, there were times when he would turn his head or shift his eyes to the side where I was, in response to my call. That was when his condition appeared to be getting better..
It had been such a difficult road to tread on. I almost think I cannot make it. I do blame myself. I know I shouldn't leave this foothold for the devil but I find myself unconsciously saying "阿公，对不起." or asking for God's forgiveness when I start to sob uncontrollably. I had really felt that God will save him. Every new year or so when I visited him and watched him in the dementia-kind of state, I had felt sure that God will help him and make him better if my family come to believe. And I was sure that my grandparents will eventually be in the Lord, with me. But once again, my passiveness had cause me to lose my grandpa.
But it was really so tough. I had to face so many things together. Could I have done more? During the uncertain times when we were told that my grandpa was gonna leave us anytime, the uncertainties almost killed me. I wonder if I should quickly get ministers to go down. I wonder if I should put my exams aside. I wonder if my grandpa might just pull through. I wonder what will happen if he didn't. Can I attend Spiritual Meeting? Can I attend theolo? Will I be made to do all the rituals and the funeral rites? All these thoughts clouded my mind while I was trying to study. Yet I could only push them aside and continue on with the only thing I could do then, which was to study. Because if I don't even do that and I collapse, everything else will just collapse over me. I couldn't see what's ahead then, but at least I saw God's light. And I could only walk on.
Last night, I couldn't study at all. I only prepared for my paper this morning one hour before it began. I broke down finally at my mom's verbal persecution last night. I think she was shocked, because she came into my room two times to apologize. I think my crying pained her too, judging from her tone. And so, I was angry at myself. Why am I crying when my mom isn't even crying? She's the sort of person to weep silently in the toilet. I take after her. My sister is the type to avoid such situations so that she wouldn't be caught crying. She numbs herself, just like my dad.
Through this period of time, I came to truly experience the mercies of God. Throughout this period, I had also prayed that God may take pity on my soul, because I fear that I may not be able to walk on anymore. And He did. I may not understand why my grandpa couldn't be saved, why God didn't want to save him. But I had this realization today - that God is a merciful God, but He is also a just God.
That thought came to me when I realised that I had managed to take a glance at the answers of two questions of my paper just before I enter the exam hall, such that I am able to at least attempt the questions. And then, my mind start to wander to other examination I had before, how I had always not finish studying, but God always pull me through, semester after semester, year after year. But the 重点is that He wouldn't make it such that I could do all the questions and that I would ace it, because it wouldn't be fair to the rest who indeed had study hard for it. But, He will allow me to get by, such that I can still get into where I want to go, what I want to do.
And so, I reckon that there is the justice of God. That things happen for a reason, and that He knows best. Yet, at the same time while He is executing justice, He is merciful and He pities my soul. He allowed me the chance to see my grandpa the night before he left, let me know the news only after my papers yesterday, and brought people to comfort me and advise me.
I will still cry. But God will comfort me. I only pray now that I am able to stand up against persecution. I will definitely not take part in those rituals. Please don't force me, mummy. Otherwise I will just collapse once again. I have only that limited strength left...
I miss going to TTSH to visit my 阿公，I miss 阿公。Even though I was never very close to him, but we share the same blood and I had really thought that he will definitely be in the Lord. I had really believed it because I know God is almighty and that He makes the seemingly impossible possible. But it's ok.. I think I have grown stronger after all these.. especially after seeing how strong my 阿公was, and how strong my mum is，I will have to be strong, because I have their blood. Plus, I have the Holy Spirit who will sustain me.
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