the time of singing has come!

I happened to read a blog entry titled Poor Little Rich Young Ruler dated May 17, 2006. Mainly discussing about whether this rich young man was saved or not. (Please see Matthew 19:16-30)

haha I think that was not the main point why this conversation between the young ruler and Jesus was recorded in the Bible. But ya, sure, it is an interesting food for thought though I feel that we should not dwell too much on this matter.

I have never thought about whether he was saved or not. But when someone commented that the man "went away sad" instead of say, angry, this caught my attention. Often we would be likely to readily conclude that "ohh. this man. Nahh, he wouldnt be saved since he was unwilling to give up his possessions for God." But how many of us can do that? readily? Moreover, this man had great wealth.

Of course I am not saying we leave it at that. It thus serves as a lesson for us. To remind us that we should prepare ourselves for the day when God might call upon us to take up the cross and follow Him. The man kept all the commandments of God, but when asked to give up his all and follow Jesus, he was unable to do so. Aren't many of us like this as well? We go church, we sing hymns, we pray, we dun kill, we dun lie, ... yes, we have all the basics but when it comes to sacrificing ourselves for God, we quickly siam... or we find ourselves unprepared, like the young ruler.

Are you ready right now? Are you ready tmr? next year? ten more years? when Jesus comes? When will we ever be ready?

Point 2. What caught my attention and got me thinking was that the man went away sad, although he wasn't ready to follow God. went away sad... it suddenly seemed to me like this is a good sign. of course, it could work both ways... maybe I am an optimist. :P

What i am going to say is similar to the author's opinion. To me, "going away feeling sad" shows signs of remorse, or even regret. It shows that he had the heart to pursue eternal life and the truth. It is likely that he will ponder more over the matter and hopefully, return back to the Lord. (:

Aren't there also many times whereby we "went away sad" from God? Often, we walked away from God, feeling sad because we feel that we can never match up to the standards of God. How can I possibly give all this up? How can I possibly take up all this sufferings?

I think God feels sad whenever we choose to walk away from Him.

Perhaps, even as I write this right now, I am "away from God, sad". I know that I have fallen short of the glory of God. I have received His grace for me in vain. And I feel powerless to change it. But I do hope that what I speculated about the young ruler is true, such that I may too return back to the Lord safe. I do have the heart to pursue the truth, but often I fall short of God's standard and feel unworthy and too weak to continue. And this is a dangerous thing, for it is very easy for one to walk away from God and towards the devil instead.

Lets all learn to walk towards God.

Today was the first night of Mid-Year Spiritual Meeting 06.

So happy! I like spiritual meetings because they are the only times when I can fully immerse myself in the fellowship and teachings of the Lord. (well, other than theolo. i love theolo best.) Which I usually can't. Except for Sabbath afternoons, which are always so short for me.

Ohh. Spiritual Meetings are a weekend spent in church whereby believers engaged in fellowship and much worship to the Lord. It is a time whereby people in the Lord can get to know each other better and can really come together to worship God. To truly put aside things of the world and come face-to-face with God. But can one really do that?

I think too many things have been clouding my visions lately. And they continue to do so. So much so that i think i have become stagnant in my faith. or even moving backwards. I fear not walking on the right path. The narrow path.

What's so scary? I guess this is something only those who were in darkness before but are walking in the light now will understand. If you have been in the light and you have experienced darkness, you will definitely understand what i mean when i say i fear going back into darkness. I dun mean that everything that non-believers do are evil when i say "darkness" but i meant being far from God.

But God is always near. If only you allow Him into your heart.

Grow in the grace of Christ Jesus. That is the theme for this mid-yr spiritual meeting.

I hope that this spiritual meeting can renew and revive my faith and my spirit such that my flame once again burn for God. And continue to do so, until the end.

The cruise was nice. A sweet getaway from reality and the busy world. I think it's the first time i actually have such a view of the big blue sea. It's so wide and vast that one feels enveloped by its majesty. One can't help but marvel at God's hands and His creation.

Went to redang island. I really like the place. The water is like crystal clear! Think i want to go back there soon, maybe in July? And its weird cos I always got seasick at night. Lol. But the strong breeze from the sea has the strange power to heal me and make me feel better. I know it is really God.

I woke up early myself to catch the sunrise on the last day. It was beautiful. Looking at the sun slowly rising up the horizon, and the limitless blue sea, together with the sea breeze that kept blowing against your skin, I wished someone was there to share it with me! I tried to capture the beauty on film (erh, on my memory card) but i'm sure I wasn't able to do so in its fullness. haha i didn't exactly see the sun rising up the horizon.. it kind of just pop up suddenly above the horizon already.. maybe I wasn't early enough?

Though this cruise trip did bring me closer to God's creation, i realised it didn't seem to bring me closer to God. I guess the short time spent on the ship gave me little time to talk to God.. coming back now i kind of miss God and realised that baptism is gonna be held just 2 days away.

hahah saw that on my brother's msn nick. sounds funny. Anyway, quite excited since i haven been on a cruise before. yep got to run now! back on friday night (:

Previously, a friend asked me why is there Heaven in the first place since the goodness and beauty of heaven is because there is an ugly hell to bring it out. Why not do away with both then? How would you answer her?

I cant really remember how I answered her. But i am sure it was inadequate. Even now as I attempt to answer this again, I am not sure if I can give a complete answer to it..

This question came back to me while I was singing Hymn 185. The lyrics generally asks us to ponder about our heavenly home, that our hopes is in Heaven and to think about the reason why we hold on to God's teachings and commandments despite much persecution and sufferings (so that we may return to this beautiful home). The title is si1 mu4 tian1 jia1 (paiseh, I sing chinese hymns. Not sure if this English version is the same. will check it out soon.). Anyway it got me thinking.

You see. In the beginning, there was only "heaven". That would be the garden of Eden. It is where all beings live harmoniously with each other, even man with God. This is where God intended for man to live in - our home. It was only after man sinned against God that man was cast out from the garden of Eden and where sufferings and labour and toil began. And that is why Christians always talk about returning to their heavenly home because this world is in fact just a temporary place.

This is also where Christianity differs from other religions. For religions like Taoism or chinese folk religion, their afterlife is different. I feel that adherents of these faiths placed equal, if not, more emphasis on this present life than their next life. They seek to maximise the utility of their present lives. Whereas for Christians, we seek to return to our home in heaven. We are merely passer-bys in this world.

I think for most people, when we talk about heaven and hell, the image that comes into their mind is that of heaven in the sky, the present world in the middle and hell at the bottom. I guess that is why my friend wondered why create the two in the first place. Let no one have to suffer extreme torture and no one experience extreme joy la?

But God created heaven for us man as our home. We were banished out of heaven into the current world right now. God is giving us a chance to know Him again and return back to Him.. and back to heaven.

I am not exactly sure when exactly was "hell" or "hades" first mentioned in the Bible. But I am sure the beauty of Heaven is definitely not due to comparison to the ugly Hell. In other words, it is not something relative. I've always held the belief that everything in the world is relative but only God is absolute. Likewise, our heavenly home is absolutely wonderful beyond description. I mean, only heaven was created in the beginning and it stood beautiful on its own.

ok ok. I feel that im running around in circles. My vocab is too limited. I hope you followed me so far. So i was saying I dun know exactly when the concept of "hell" first appeared. In fact, i think my concept of hell is different from most people out there. No, it isn't literally a place called Hell. As in like a place with land area and all that. In fact, similar to the concept of "evil is the absence of goodness", hell is the absence of God. Not that God is not omnipresent. He is. But hell is where you are when the grace of God is no longer with you any longer. Because you chose to shut God and His grace out of your life. Where you are forever separated from God.

Sigh. sounds sad to me. So in my opinion, God didnt really create Hell. But people blindly enter into "hell" when they turned away from God. And they suffer in there because the grace of God is not with them anymore.

aiyah. feels sad. I hope i conveyed my own opinions on heaven and hell somewhat clear enough. Share with me your opinions, if anyone of you is reading out there?

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Oh, and Happy Mother's Day, mameee!

I didn't get her any gifts though. Am still waiting for the day when i can share with her the best gift - God's love.

Decided that even if i do not get baptised this May, im gonna still do my best to commit myself to churchwork this 3 month's break, in however ways possible.

Put that as my msn nick and in turn, spoke to a church brother, which edified me greatly. Shared with him the experiences of my spiritual walk thus far, esp ever since "marvelous dec" (a term only joyce shih will understand) last year. Turned out that he didnt get baptised immediately after he received the Holy Spirit too.

You see, i guess i was worried that God will be disappointed with me. He has shown me much grace, and all i have to repay was a heart that still cannot put complete trust in Him!? I wondered if God will understand my difficulties, or will He find me still faithless, not believing in His power?

In the end, maybe it's just me, having a myopic view of God. He sees our hearts, dear. He understands. Even if its true that you lack faith, continue to pray for it then. He will provide a way out.

But. I cant help feeling empty. Like something is missing or taken away from me. What can fill up this void? Church work maybe? I hope time will pass quickly. I want and need to be washed.

"Then Jesus said to them, “A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going. While you have the light, believe in the light, that you may become sons of light.” These things Jesus spoke, and departed, and was hidden from them." John 12:35-36

Im worried that this light will depart from me.

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Another question that i have is regarding church work. Can a non-baptised do church work? But who can stop one from doing church work if she really wants to? What if she already received the Holy Spirit?

I dun dare to ask people to give me church work to do cos i scared i am not really "allowed" to do so. But i really dun want to waste my first long break. I hereby dedicate this 3 months break to the Lord and pray that He might send me!

Church service was not bad although i left somewhat immediately to meet my mom for a early Mother's Day meal together. Have been doing that - leaving church somewhat in a rush after service ends on Sabbath. No good..

I didnt bring up the big question. On the way home, I was feeling quite down. Felt like crying but i dunno for what reason. It could be simply depression making her rounds again. Or it could be loneliness. But since it's during this period of baptism, i guessed it has more to do with that. I really want to be baptised this May.

cries.

I cant think about it, it's making me cry. Maybe the Holy Spirit in me is grieving. I dun know.

I wonder how long I'll grieve about this, maybe until May's baptism is over, or maybe until my heart is hardened? Maybe it'll be better for me to grieve until Nov. then i can always keep this matter within my heart until the day I can truly be called a child of God.

I wonder if a miracle can happen and i get baptised next week.

May God have mercy on my poor soul.

Yep, finally got this done! i'm quite satisfied with it. *beams* I even got a pretty cbox! and figured out how to slot in into the html thingy. hooray! now, what's missing is just a realliie nice picture (and to figure out how to use photo url thingy) and perhaps to shorten my blog title (:

I guess im feeling lighter now that I've brought up the big question. Finally got round to doing things, like revamping my blog.. Thank God.

I've finally brought up the big question. to my mom just now. prior to this, i prayed much, thought about it much and worried about it much.

Baptism is next week. It would be the 4th baptism that took place ever since I began seeking the truth at TJC. I was very resolved to get baptised, esp since God had been so kind to me and gave me the Holy Spirit. Lately too, I've been feeling intense guilt and unworthiness, as though filth from the sinful nature of the flesh is becoming too much for me to bear. I feel that sin is overwhelming me and there is this wanting to be washed.. by the blood of Christ. I have this strong yearning to start anew in the Lord, with a clean sheet, unblemished. I looked forward to the joy and peace that must follow baptism! The blood of Christ cleanses away all our sins, all our filthiness, all our imperfections and let us emerge a new man in Christ. I wanted just that. I wanted to devote my 3 months of school break to church work, fully commited to the Lord after baptism. I wanted to be a member of the Lord's household, to do a part for God. I especially hope to join the choir and sing for the upcoming hymnal evangelism.

All these, I suppressed within me. I didnt want to tell anyone. Only God knows my quiet plans. Of course, some asked me if i am getting baptised this May, I returned their question with a faint smile and a shrug. But do they see also the troubled look i held in my eyes straight after that? a moment whereby I seemed to be preoccupied by thoughts running through my head? All this time, i prayed hard to God, in the Spirit, in words, silently. For Him to open the way for me.

I didnt want to tell anyone because i didnt want to raise my hopes too high. I also didnt want to give myself a chance to grow proud. I was afraid of failures. I was afraid to lose my faith in God.

People have been telling me testimonies of how they also went ahead to get baptised without their parents' approval. I understand. and i also feel that i am mature enough to make this lifelong decision for myself. But the problem is not that. The problem is that i want my parents to be agreeable to my baptism, esp my mom. I dun want to cause her upset just because i insist to get baptised. She has enough things to be upset about already. I hope for her to understand from my point of view, why i want to get baptised, why i believe so strongly in God. I hoped to reached a mutual understanding with her. And baptism happens only once. I really wish my mom will be there to witness my baptism.

I tried my best to suppress all these thoughts. dun think anyone will truly understand because everyone face different circumstances in their lives. no two persons' lives are exactly the same. Some may see that i lack the faith to go for baptism. Why must i wait for my mom's approval? Just go for baptism and God will work out the way! True... with every step i had make in faith, God had truly rewarded me with much grace. With faith, i plucked out the courage and asked to go for theolo. Though i compromised and didnt stayover, God (and maybe even my mom) saw my perseverance in the faith and rewarded me with the Holy Spirit and i had gained a higher level of understanding of what i believe in. But no, I still hope for my mom to be agreeable before i go for baptism. she dun have to approve, as long as she dun disapprove. I hope God understands.

And so the words finally left my mouth (after like MANY silent praying to the Lord), and i was pleasantly surprised. My mom did not flare up. I knew immediately that God is faithful and He indeed open the way for you. We discussed briefly on the topic. Initially, i was quite sad as my aim was to be able to get baptised. But as expected, my mom does not agree to it. But i could tell that the Lord is working in her. She appeared to be becoming more accepting of my belief.

Her idea was "not now. not yet." and i know that her greatest concern was that i wouldnt offer her joss sticks shld anything happen to her. I can understand that. That's her worldview. That is what worries her - her afterlife. Her idea was that if i really want to get baptised, i can wait until the time im really gonna marry a christian. That isnt too late, according to her. She commented that actually, to get baptised or not doesnt really matter.

I didnt want to appear to be insistent in what i had set my mind on doing, disregarding her opinions. So most of the time, I stood silent and listened to her. At appropriate and necessary times, i spoke up. She remembered what i told her about the Holy Spirit and still thinks that i am crazy. I wanted so much to tell her that the reason i want to get baptised is to finally commit myself to the Lord and in churchwork. But i know that she wouldnt find the idea appealing so I kept it in my heart. We talked about cases of pple close to us who got baptised but also are still suffering. I just listened. There's my paternal grandparents, my uncle's family and the most recent case, my mom's aunt. My mom had seen too much of the ugly side of christianity as well as the ugly side of life to be able to put her trust on something again.

But I really thank God because my mom and me could talk and discuss about it rather peacefully. She insist "not yet, not now" and say "maybe a year or two more". After i told her its a half-a-year thing, she seems open to baptism in Nov. I know she is concerned about me too, saying that i've only been in church for a year or two. Must i make such a big decision right now? She say i should give more time to think about it first. Haha but she later joke that actually is give them (plus my father) more time to think about it. -_-"

yep.. so somehow, i am feeling glad at heart, that i have reached yet another level of mutual understanding with my mama about matters of faith. Although feeling sad too, that i cant get baptised this May (again), it is true that it is kind of rushed already. I mean the baptism is just next week. There is no time to prepare my heart. Yes, i shld have asked abt it earlier but i was really afraid of the outcomes.. But thank God, it didnt turn out bad at all. The only minus point is that i wont be getting baptised and wun be joining the Lord's household just yet. I decided that if I really do not get baptised this May, I will use the next half a year to persuade my parents with my actions. So that, they truly see the positive change in me and my perserverance in the faith and agree to my baptism in Nov. I am just worried that I might grow weak and fall away, forgetting this goal of mine. Moreover, Nov's baptism will likely fall during my exam period then.. Please encourage me and pray for me until the day i get baptised!

Also hope that God's Spirit will not be disappointed with me and leave me. I myself am disappointed that I wouldnt be able to join in much churchwork and choir just yet..
anyway, will ask my mom one last time tmr about baptism.

Hallelujah, thank you, Lord Jesus.

I actually wanted to blog about this after i watched the documentary but i guess i was busy then.. haha. anyway, a bro from church blogged on it recently so i decided to just link to his entry to at least provide some kind of stand and opinion on the topic. my html skills are well minimal.. so i can only provide the full add link which you can click here --> http://madcowkey.blogspot.com/2006/05/gospel-according-to-judas.html

Do take a look!

"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." Romans 13:12

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God." 1 Peter 4:1-2

I liked these verses that i heard during sermons recently. I think they sound even more meaningful in chinese! (I've actually put them up in Chinese but seems like blogger doesn't support Chinese characters?? anyway please look up the chinese translation at bible.com!!)

The first verse suggests to me that we are already at the darkest period of the night, such that it cannot get any darker. Instead, the Day is approaching very soon. How prepared for you then? Have you put on the armour of light- to protect and preserve ourselves from the evil one?

Not only the armour of light but to also have with us our spiritual weapon - which is the heart to endure suffering. Just like Jesus did. Only then can we resist the devil and not fall into his trap!

Many a time, due to circumstances, we find compromising our faith to be a more convenient option than standing by our beliefs and the truth. But we must be careful not to compromise our faith in any ways! If Jesus had taken the easy way out and did not insist He was the Christ, He may have escape death and all those humiliation that followed. But he didnt. Let's strive to emulate the likeness of Christ! and follow in His footstep which He had set as an example to all of us. Not forgeting our spiritual weapons to fight this spiritual war against the devil.

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests."

Ephesians 6:11-18

I really like this passage because it tells me that God protects and equips me against Satan! As long as I strive to achieve all that armour - truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, God's word and the Holy Spirit. Let's all really strive to achieve the full armour of God. (:

Peace.

i made a long list of to-dos during my exam period. and ever since my exams ended, i have been keeping my eyes to it, trying to keep myself busy with the list of things to do. out of the looong list, probably only one or two, it later dawned on me, pertained to the matters of God.

The most important thing to be done is to find a job or jobs. I seriously need to earn money to well, sustain myself. Ha, nope i am not a shopaholic or anything like that. but the financial burden on my family is really too great le. It often pains me to see my parents working so hard. I wish to lessen their burden and earn my own subsistence, esp for the coming sem and probably see if i can earn enough to stay hostel?

This and some other chores started to cloud my vision and i guess i gradually cant see God anymore. The thought of missing spiritual meeting actually EVEN cross my mind when i realised the Expo Food fair lobang will be during church midyr spiritual meeting! cos the food fair will pay well.. so i thought i shldnt miss it. i mean, i wasnt rEALly thinking of missing spiritual meeting but i didnt thought that i would DEFINITELY wont miss it, you see.

The wake up call came from a younger sister in church. We met at the busstop before friday service and we chatted. I was quite ashamed when she could tell me decisively "then dun do the food fair la" and that "God will provide" or was it "trust God", well somewhere along that line.. At that moment, i felt that i was of little faith!! so ashamed of myself that i need a younger sister to tell me all this! At this point, i knew seriously that i need to turn my feet back towards God. I was losing my trust and faith in God that He will provide. His grace is sufficient for me. He will never let me (or my family) go hungry. And so yes, Thank God for the wake up call. I shall not take up the food fair lobang! well, unless i can skip 2 days for spiritual meeting. God will bless those who put their trust in Him to guide their path.

And so, i need to also turn back my vision to see God. I must remember my promise to Him, that my top priority during this 3 months of break is to serve Him in any and every way possible. To put Him as my FIRST priority.

But actually i was feeling quite down again yesterday. I guessed what triggered it was that i missed the church bus but i am sure that i was not late! ): haii. then what follows was a series of thoughts that was not in any way edifying to my faith. i start to see myself being lonely in church again and that whenever i became weak in faith, there wasnt anyone readily by my side to encourage me. I know. I know. that faith is between me and God. i know too that i can ask God to increase my faith. But i felt that at times, i really need someone to give me a push. someone who shares in my faith and beliefs in God. Its like i feel that God is stretching His merciful hand to me and i am also trying my best to reach him with my outstretched hand but i just cant reach Him!! This is when i feel that i needed that push. from someone who shares in my faith and shares in my fear of losing sight of God. That is what the Church is for, isn't it? That is why Jesus emphasized on fellowship. That is why we have Holy Communion. All this to tell us we are not alone in our faith in Christ.

I still feel that i am lacking that someone in Church. Someone who will rebuke me when i do wrong. Someone who listens to me and understands my difficulties and troubles. Someone who prays with me. Someone who shares in my joy of working for God. Someone who i can relate to.

But am i wrong? Am i blinded by my own desires? Have i lose sight of God if i keep thinking in this way? Am i not counting my blessings from God? I mean, sure i have people who i sit with in church, people who i can talk briefly to... Is this supposed to be enough? Or shld i stop looking out and start looking within? Establish a closer r/s with those people i am currently talking to? If they dun seem to be as zealous as you would like them to be, then change them! Is this the way? Maybe i keep wanting to take the easy way out.. i want people to change ME, to motivate ME, instead of me motivating them..

Sigh. I need more faith in God. I pray for a way out from all these. Am still praying for my family to accept me being a Christian. I must learn not to let people's opinions and ideas interfere with my own. Pray for me, will ya?

I am going on a CRUISE!!!!

-- if only my pa is going with us too...

YES. finally 5 papers. OVER. I dun care whether they are well done or not. I know God's grace is sufficient for me. And im glad that i managed to finish studying almost all that is required this time round (well, except for the last one, social psych. really no mood le! :S) Yep, God has brought everything to pass. :)

Feeling quite lonely again. In a way, i like the time i have to myself when i mug in the hostel. But then, i also feel rather socially isolated. haaai i think its just the exam blues... but for my paper tmr morning, i only like still on my third chapter! i have like 12 chapters? what should i do!!?

praying for God's grace.....