the time of singing has come!

"Would you like to try the solo part?"

"Huh... errr me? *trying to keep the excitement down* ermm, but i don't know if I can.... I think my voice not strong enough...."

End of short story.


Hmmm. How do you accept churchwork without feeling too excited about it? Does this excitement entails pride?? Precisely because I'm worried it does, that's why I tried to suppress it... but did it come across to the other party as no interest? Aaahh, this is driving me a little crazy. I look forward to the day I can do more work in church, but at the same time, I feel that I should give myself more time to get ready. But at the same same time, I don't want to waste my time. If I can work now, why shouldn't I? I feel that church work makes you grow too. You don't really have to reach a certain standard in your faith, then you can do churchwork right?

The above short story matters quite a bit to me. I don't think this is the first time such a thing happened. :S

I still haven't really started on my essay proper... and it's due tmr!! I skipped tuition again today :S hope the parents won't condemn me. and i also made the decision to skip school altogether today. Which means I will skip two tutorials and a lecture, not to mention Bible study. HAI. But I have to resort to this, in order to reduce the mental stress. I hope i get my essay done soon... The problem with me is that, once I feel that I have time to do, I will start to relax.....

God, I really see no point in rushing through life like this. Teach me, so that I can make use of my life in a more productive manner that is for You.

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song;
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades, into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

Does Jesus care when I have tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief, there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches, till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He care?

Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary,
The long night dreary,
I know my Saviour cares.

Give me those eyes,
which looked upon the multitude with compassion.

Give me those ears,
which heard the cries of those in need.

Give me those lips,
which spoke such kind words of truth.

Give me those hands,
which held the hands of those despised.

Give me those arms,
which comforted the weary and gave them rest.

Give me those feet,
which continued walking,
up to Calvary.

I'm so glad the day's finally over. We didn't really sleep last night and thank God, we managed to hand in our review and proposal today. And then I had to rush to finish up my tutorial... which again, although I didn't speak up in class, it went ok.... I also conquered some internal emotions within me, which I'm sure nobody around me really knows. But it's ok.. I just have to take heart and think God. I'm feeling so glad that my day's over and yay, can go church. But I'm really super drained...

Also, if only my day can end on a nicer note! If only, if only.
Disappointment comes when you have expectations.

Nvm, I shall go find God tonight. (: He'll be all ready to meet me, and talk to me.

I'm quite flattered. I really didn't think that I would make a good friend at all, as much as I do try my best to be one. Yet, lately, people had expressed their joy to "have" me around, and I was honestly surprised, but very glad to know that. (:

Man likes to be appreciated. And often, man needs to be overtly appreciated, not just covertly.
没有说的话，怎能听见？
没有表达的爱，怎能感觉？

What about Jesus? Have I stopped appreciating Him overtly? I know that deep down inside, I really appreciate Him for choosing me, for leading me, for simply being with me as I walk heavenward. Did it stop there? If man needs to be openly appreciated, why don't we do the same towards God? Yes, He knows all things. He knows our hearts. He knows that deep deep deep (very very deep down inside -_-) down inside, we do love Him, and we do appreciate Him. But if we realise the importance of showing our appreciation to the people around us, why can't we apply the same principle to someone who means so much more to us? Unless He doesn't mean that much to us..

I ought to show my appreciation to God more than these. More than simply a quick "Thank you" in my prayers. More than simply making sure I attend services and Bible studies. I ought to shine for Him, so that people can see Jesus in me. I ought to love more and care more with a genuine heart, knowing that God desires that we care for His flock. I ought not to be ashamed of the old old story of the rugged cross, but to preach the word of God boldly, so that people may see the Truth. I ought to live my life for Him, because He has died for me.

If I can feel so happy because of how others showed their appreciation for me, imagine how God would be smiling in heaven watching you show how much you really appreciate Him.


P.S. Interestingly, there is two aspects to the word "appreciate":
1) to be grateful or thankful for
2) to value or regard highly

I took bus 33 from NUS to church just now. Spent 80min thinking over all the things that had gone wrong in my life. I felt that nobody could empathise with me. That I was all alone in this world. I heard the Devil telling me to die, and that no one will even care. Who am I? I am just a worthless creature, taking up space in the world. I have no good in me at all. I have no capacity to do anything good, nor anything right.

As much as I tried to deny it, I know that I was angry at the situation. I felt that if it wasn't for the situation, things won't turn out like that. I was angry at the people. If they were more understanding and more tolerant towards me, perhaps they will be able to empathise with me and we can all work together fine. I was angry at myself because I was not good enough at anything, and so the situation snowballed till the way it is now. I know that implicitly, I was also angry at God. Because if I weren't, I wouldn't have felt angry at anything. I would have taken things in its stride. I would have thought that God would handle it somehow. But since I was angry at everything, that shows that I felt that God was simply folding His arms and sitting back.

I must have been angry at God, because I didn't want to go up for sermon immediately. I planned to have my dinner first before going up for closing prayer. I justified it (something I am extremely good at) by convincing myself that I need time to chill. When I got to church, however, I couldn't bring myself to sit at the dining area and just eat. I couldn't do it, knowing that God was speaking at the same moment. I found myself walking up and sitting in front of God. I said a silent prayer and tears started to well up in my eyes. I calmed myself and forced myself to listen to God as He spoke and I heard Him telling me,

"You know, dear, maybe the problem lies with you. And you know it. Now, it's just a matter of whether you have the courage to face it. Whether you have the courage to change things. Most importantly, to change yourself. If you lack strength, you can ask of it from Me. I will help you, if you seek Me for it. I am your God, do you believe?"

I am so glad I chose the better portion. I wouldn't want to miss this even for the world's most delicious hokkien prawn mee.

And so, I found reason to move on again. I want to change myself for the better. I don't want the same problems to happen to me over and over again. That would only mean that there is a lesson which I have not learnt. I want to learn that lesson, or lessons. I want to move heavenward. I don't want to bring shame to the name of God.

I know I am still not good enough. I expect others to change to suit me. I complain that people are unpredictable, un-interpretable. I pretend that things don't hurt me, when they do hurt. I complain that people are hypocrites, behaving one way in front of the person, but another way when behind that person. I complain about that when I am one myself. I demand that people should just tell me plainly if they didn't like me, or the ways I do things. Yet, I don't tell others how I really feel, expecting that they should ask me about it first. I expect people to shower more concern for me because I am sickly. What I should do then is to keep fit so that I won't be sickly in the first place, and so no excuse for anything at all!

My apologies for all the wrongs that I have done to you. I am sorry for being the way that I was. Past tense. Because that was in the past now. I want to change. And I would have the ability to do so, because God will give me that strength. It'll probably take a while... but things will turn for the better and no more will I face the same old problems again and again. Because I would have learnt the lesson(s) I was intended to learn.

First lesson - People's time is precious. Be early. It is ok to sacrifice your time. Afterall, you have already wasted so many people's time for so many years :S

never tell me things, how am I supposed to know?

think about it lah, I don't mind being excluded le. just remember to let me know the essential stuffs.

It is not that the person don't want to get involved, it's whether you allow the person to.

*breathe, meixing.
*breathe.

don't erupt...

I haven't write in a long long while.. Not sure if the words will flow, but let me try..

I was just telling em I can't really blog anymore. Cos' I have been shelving my emotions and thoughts to one side, such that even if I were to sit down and attempt to blog, the feeling won't come.

But here I am, swollen-eyed from an incomplete prayer, trying to pen down my emotions. At least, to keep in touch with it. I think I should collect and organise myself first before I go back to pray. Otherwise I was just gonna continue bawling and wailing.

I don't know what was the trigger this time. Perhaps I feel lonely (yes, again.). Or, empty. And I have been so busy these few days. I have been out early in the morning and only home late at night. I have so many readings to read, so many projects to research on, yet every night I get knocked out after just a while of work. And because I didn't sleep properly, I get all grouchy the next day and the cycle just continues on and on, day after day. I keep hoping that I have the time to complete the things I have to complete. But I don't seem to have the time...

And then as I was praying just now, I suddenly felt that I don't have enough time to preach to the people I know. I suddenly had this feeling that I really don't have enough time le and I panicked. I cried.

Today was an ok day. I had some fun here and there. But at the end of the day, I can't help feeling a little bit down again. Pardon me for being the way I am. I can't help it! But I am really trying hard to change. Please believe me. I tried very hard not to put in my heart things that I know bothers me. I fought hard to resist thoughts that I know I shouldn't harbour. I did my best to treat everyone to the best that I can. I tried not to bear grudges inside me. Please believe me when I said I tried very hard already.

But then, at the end of the day, I still felt empty.. I still felt unwanted, unnoticed, insignificant. Nobody cares about you, girl. I don't know why I still feel this way when there are people who did notice me, who did purposely talk to me; but i also know that most of these were done out of courtesy. Maybe those that I really wished would look at me, talk to me, care about me, didn't. I have a really bad sore throat coming up... but I didn't have any chance to tell anyone about it. I wish more people would want to know me as ME. Oh, but someone did come to chat with me. Thank you so much for letting me feel that you WANT to talk to me, and not out of courtesy or anything like that. I wish I had more time to talk to you.

So.. maybe another reason is because I can't find someone to 诉苦. I can't find a suitable candidate who is not equally stressed-up or tired, who is willing to listen to me, who likes to hear me talk. So I just pile up my messed-up emotions within me loh, until it overflowed and I burst just now.

I have been feeling so tired. But I kept telling myself I can do it. I can make it through, like all previous semesters. It will end up ok. Just keep going.

Actually at times, I think I am going insane. But I know that God can keep me sane.

I don't know what's my purpose in life right now, when I am not exactly living for God. I know what I am working towards academically, but I don't even know if this is the path God would like me to take. I wish I can serve God full-time. Because I know I can't multi-task. And serving Him full-time can bring me closer to Him?

I want to go home soon.