Monday, March 28, 2011 

Saying good-byes

I don't like goodbyes.

I usually live in denial until that very last moment when he/she is really going to be gone.

I was still in denial today, until I hear her speak from her heart her emotions.

And I felt how hard it was for her, in the midst of all that laughter and noise, to comfort her soul knowing how much she will miss all these. Through her eyes, I saw how much all these meant to her, how much we meant to her.

I don't like goodbyes.

And through experience, I discovered that the way to protect yourself from the hurts of goodbyes is to detach yourself. But kinda selfish, isn't it?

I'm glad God gave me the opportunity to spend time together and to create fond memories together. And though I tried to detach myself, I am glad that ultimately I can share in her sweet bitterness. I will not have any regrets even if I should cry my eyes swollen that very last moment when she is gone... because it is not only on this journey of life that our paths have crossed, but our heart-paths have crossed too...

When you have crossed your heart-paths with somebody, it is hard to stay detached and feel nothing... when that person decides to leave.

But I know God will have mercy and He will keep watch between the two of us. And when we stay close to God, we stay close together too.

You know that I will surely miss you.

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Sunday, March 27, 2011 

I need me-time

Maybe I am growing weary of trying too hard at too many things.

Always having to make sure I put in my 101% is hard...

and I realised I am still most afraid of people.

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Saturday, March 26, 2011 

...



It is one of those days when you are surrounded by people but you've never felt so alone.


but this period will pass, right?


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Wednesday, March 23, 2011 

the classroom is (was) my world

You know, I think I will kind of miss this....


and this...



----

I think I have been feeling threatened and challenged by him who is going to take over my role. But, he is gonna take over me.... so why am I still clinging on so tightly?

The period of transition is never easy. You are neither here nor there. Yet, you find that you are losing your place in so many things, though bit by bit. It may even be scary as you give up your power over to another person. But, change is necessary if we are to move on.

dear girl, you are moving on.
finally.
isn't this what you have been desiring for the past few years?
:D :)

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Thursday, March 17, 2011 

broken without but not within makes us stronger

It felt like I've been gone so long; my life put on hold and I am allowed to stray....

It felt like God isn't there and He wouldn't know and it doesn't count whatever wrongs I may commit.. I can still catch up when I am back. I can still turn back to the right path.

It's okay to enter into lala-land.. It's okay.. It's okay.. That same old voice which spoke to the first woman is also trying to reach out to me now.

I switched on the tv.

I see lands overwhelmed by tsunami waters and houses and cars swept along like a child playing Lego and ground ripped open and things collapsed.

I see mothers crying at the first moment when they could make phone calls and they heard their children's voice.

I see people going back to the wrecked places, broken and ruined, and in pieces.. And they tried, still try, to find that hope of life, of breathing, of struggle..

Where there is still a struggle, there is life.

And I see miracle rescues, of man being trapped for days, and still very much alive!

Where there is struggle, there is life.

While these people are putting up such a good fight against the harsh realities that had came upon them, not wanting to concede defeat,...

Everything around them may have collapsed, broken, ruined, utterly destroyed.... but they are not going to let themselves be broken.

I look at them, and I think about myself.

Where there is struggle, there is life.

Where is my struggle? Have I so easily given in to the temptations and lies of the world and forgotten how much God means to me? Have I really been deceived that God doesn't know and that it is really okay? Do I not remember that God is holy?

I need to learn from Japan and put up a fight. The world around me may be broken and no more, but I am not gonna allow myself to be broken.

I want to be complete, and perfect, when Jesus comes again.

----

Have been feeling a little depressed these few days. At the very first when I got to know about Japan's situation, I was going to write a post starting with, "How am I supposed to..."

How am I supposed to get on with my lesson planning and worry about whether everything will run smoothly in class the next day when the waters are rushing onto lands and roads and overwhelming everything?

How am I supposed to eat my lunch and decide not to finish it because I have no appetite, when many are going hungry and cold, happily satisfied with something that's warm?

How am I supposed to be out shopping and catching up with friends when people are stranded and separated and crying and scared?

How am I supposed to get on with my life when people can't get on with their life anymore, at least not how it used to be?

I haven't been able to sleep well, spending the time on bed mulling over these things and feeling down. I was just not able to make sense of God's ways yet.

But after these few days of mixed emotions, and also realising that I have drifted away from God (see above) because I haven't really been talking to Him, because I don't know what to say to Him, I decided that this isn't the way God wants me to be.

Yes, it is one of the worst disasters ever to happen... and yes, survivors are in a terrible situation, and yes, people are scared and cold and hungry... but I see them still holding on to hope, and to life.

They are so strong; how can I be so weak?

How can I glue myself to the television and watch scenes after scenes of the horrible tragedy and only cry? Weeping will not save them! What else can I do?

Ann says,
If I am moved but choose not to respond, won’t I soon harden, unable to respond?


What can I do for you, japan?

... will you join me in prayer?

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Saturday, March 12, 2011 

(Christian) Values

Today's sermon raises some food for thought for myself...

1) Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. (Luke 12:23)

2) God is above all and of utmost importance.

3) Why do we call someone 'a good man'? Is it because he is of use to us?

4) Spend more of our limited time on people whom we can benefit, rather than people who can bring us benefits.

5) Love those who cannot love us back.

6) Control vs submission (We tend to desire relationships whereby we can control the other party - kinda made me ponder about the characteristics of many teachers.. are we guilty of this kind of values? "He who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who governs as he who serves..." (Luke 22:25-27))

7) Time and chance happen to them all (Ecclesiastes 9:10-12) - therefore the only thing we can control is how much effort to put in; the results is up to God.

We have many natural values (eg. loving those who love us), but God calls us to possess 'super-natural' ones. Can we meet God's standard?

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Thursday, March 03, 2011 

He is not different; we are all the same.

I have not seen him act like that before.

Sure, he was a little queer (in the eyes of others), and my first attitude towards him was one that was on guard.... but over time, I found him simple and adorable.

He is the only one who will happily wave to me when he gets to school. His facial expression and body language is a direct translation of how he is feeling within. Even though he seems 'strange' to some who might not know him, I found him to have rather good social skills already because he knows when I would get angry and knows how to appease my anger. He knows what's good to do, and what's not good.

However, today, on the train, out of the blue, he cried.

The rest of the class and I were puzzled!

It turns out that he was left alone on the seat far away from the rest of us for too long..... and he started to think too much....

When another student went up to him, he asked him, "Why you don't like me? Why you don't want to be my friend? Why you don't want to talk to me?"

It was at that moment that I realised he was feeling left-out, seeing the rest of us talking and laughing together, forgetting about him.

I didn't know what the other passengers on the train thought about him at that moment. They probably thinks he is weird, and I started to be protective of him. I wanted him to learn that we were not deserting him, and that he shouldn't be saying things like that, and that it just so happened that we were standing a distance away.

I believe that even before we went up to him, he was already fighting hard within himself with all that. But when we went to him, he let go of his emotions and let it all out. However, as I have said, he listens, and he understands, and it took a while for him to be comforted, but shortly after, he came to me and apologised.

As I thought about how strangers would probably view him as someone strange, or 'different', I realised... aren't we all the same?

Yes, we don't usually have sudden emotional outbursts on public transport, but don't we so often also think too much? We dwell too much on something until it becomes true and real to us, when in fact, it isn't so. Aren't we all social creatures, craving for that bit of attention from another being who breathes?

We are in fact all the same. Our emotional outbursts are within our hearts and inside our heads. If anyone is viewing my boy differently, then we got to look at ourselves again. Because we are all the same.

And the truth is, they live much happier lives because they cry when they feel like it, and laugh out loud when they are tickled. Sure, they need to be taught more social skills, and appropriate public behaviours, but I only hope these do not teach them to bury their true self and their hearts deep into the soil of the masked world.

When everyone else is wearing a mask, these souls with their angelic faces bring a smile to my own face. I can't help but to pull off my own mask.

...I feel so blessed to have these children to grow together with me. I may not realised it fully yet; but in fact, each of them have already found a place in my heart. I want to see them grow up.

They have each taught me many things.... I will miss them (:

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  • I'm just a passer-by in this world
  • From Singapore
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