the time of singing has come!

I am feeling quite useless. I wonder if there is anything worthy in me at all. I feel like a useless vessel that the Master would just chuck at one corner, collecting dust. I feel drained, unwanted.

Today, a younger sister asked me, quite randomly, "Do you feel lonely?" It was a question that strikes a chord within my heart. It resonates so strongly in me that it hurts. It had hit a raw nerve.

While I made my way back home from church today, I wondered "What on earth am I doing here?" People have stopped loving you. You can't do anything for God. You thought at least you still have a home, but you returned to an empty house. What is my worth? Can somebody tell me? Even I myself can't see any good in me anymore. Rather, I see a filthy, insincere heart. I see a useless body that has no benefit for the Lord's work. I see a hypocritical face that pretends to be zealous, but who knows what's really in her heart?

I told myself that the time is short. I shouldn't cry anymore, instead I must busy myself with God's work. I need to bring my family and friends to church. I thought it didn't matter what I have lost, for if my family and friends can come to church and believe in Christ, I'm sure this joy would cover over all sorrow. So I put my heart and mind into this. I really put my heart and soul into this, such that it is taking such a toil on me. And when one after another rejects me, my heart grew even heavier. What am I here for, if I can't even get the people around me to church? What I am doing here, if I can't even do the most basic thing for God? I suddenly find that I am not good for anything. I walked aimlessly back home. And I spent the entire evening in front of the tv, aimlessly switching from channel to channel. I fear pressing that "off" button because the silence of an empty house really overwhelms me these days.

I asked God to take me away again today. I was drifting off to sleep in the afternoon when emotions took over me and I think I made that (impulsive?) request. I am really feeling tired. I look at the world and I feel that I haven't the strength to overcome it. Look at my family. Look at my life. Look at myself! It is just too hard. Too hard. The world is too scary. People are also scary. I scare myself too.

Turandot tmr.. but somehow, I am not that excited about it. :(

Because for every matter there is a time and judgement,
Though the misery of man increases greatly.
- Ecclesiastes 8:6

Those who weep as though they did not weep, for the time is short
- 1 Corinthians 7:29-31

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9

The air
The space
The contour
The warmth
The silence
Seemingly familiar yet distant

I thank God for giving me that familiar air. I tried to take in as much as I can..

My Lord, I cannot do it. I can't face that which grieves me. I can't face the pain and the hurt so bluntly, so directly. I rather I can be hidden from it.

My heart feels so raw again.. It's is as though the skin has been peeled away from it, and any slight touch would trigger tremendous pain.

I feel so wasted. Maybe I first need a good sleep.


Hymn 525: O Let Your Soul Now Be Filled
O let your soul now be filled with gladness, Your heart redeemed, rejoice indeed!
O may the thought banish all your sadness That in His blood you have been freed.
That God's unfailing love is yours, That you the only Son were given,
That by His death He has opened heaven, That you are ransomed as you are.

If you seem empty of any feeling, Rejoice - you are His ransomed bride!
If those you cherish seem not to love you, And dark assails from every side,
Still yours the promise, come what may, In loss and triumph, in laughter, crying,
In want and riches, in living, dying, That you are purchased as you are.

It is a good, every good transcending, That Christ has died for you and me!
It is a gladness that has no ending Therein God's wondrous love to see!
Praise be to Him, the spotless Lamb, Who through the desert my soul is leading
To that fair city of joy exceeding, For which He bought me as I am.


My Lord, let me look beyond all these pain, and be glad that I am saved already.

I used to think that I live in a fairy tale. That you know, I was some pretty princess and my prince was just out there waiting for me. That my life has a predictable story line - I know how my life would go on from henceforth. Yes, I would meet with some difficulties but it's ok, because very soon my prince would come and I would be living happily ever after.

I remember at times I do feel that my life was sort of boring because it was like so predictable and everything was already set. Everything would just go according to plan and after 60 years or so, there, I'm done with my life.

However, the past two months have really shook me back into reality. I suddenly realised that I am living in the real world, and in this real world, nothing is for certain. Things change. People change. In this reality, life is really about handling such uncertainties and making your way through them. And in a way, it is exciting to have a fresh look at the world. 原来世界是这样的！

I still believe in fairy tales, and I still hope I would be in one. But I know God shook me back into reality for a good cause. He wants me to understand the world as it is and to be able to adapt to reality. He doesn't want me to be a pampered princess in a fairy tale, simply waiting for her prince to fetch her. He wants me to have the experience and the knowledge, so that I may grow in my faith after truly seeing God with my own eyes. The experience may be a hard one, but at least now I can understand and feel what Jesus felt when Judas betrayed Him, yet still loving him, He washed his feet. That love.. it just bring tears to my eyes and choke me in my speech. That pain in Jesus' heart, I can almost understand..

Over this 2 months, I know that I've gained so much more than what I've lost. The experience had been... in a way amazing. At least now I have had the experience of true heartbreak, the experience of being in a depressive episode, the experience of despair and hopelessness, but also the experience of God's constant abidance, God's reassurance and love, God's healing in my heart.... and the experience of being lifted up again by the Lord and being taught personally by Him to see things in His perspective. I've learnt it the hard way, a very painful way... but it's worth it.. Because finally, I know what it means to fully and truly rely on the Lord, what it means to live a life for God, what it means by having faith in God. I finally understand what it means by "I only need God; nothing else really matters."

I still miss being a princess in a fairy tale... but if reality is really what it is, then give me some time. I will get in touch with reality, in a while.

Labels: encountering God

Have you ever seen someone cry on the train or on the bus? Have you ever thought of offering a tissue or even some kind words like, "Are you ok?"

You know, I have always wondered if I would do that if I see someone cry on the train or bus. I feel that I would. I reasoned with myself that I definitely would. I know it will make that person feel better, and it will make me feel good too.

(Or even when someone keep sniffing away and using his hand to wipe away what comes out from his nose, you can try to be nice and offer some tissue! I met with this incident once and I desperately wanted to offer some tissue but I was paiseh and also scared he paiseh so I didn't and this thing has been bugging me until now. :S)

I don't know why tears were streaming down my face when I was on the bus home from church just now. I have been on a emotional rollercoaster ride for almost 2 months now. Each time I thought I am better, I plunged to the deepest again. I don't know why I am subjecting myself to all these, why I just cannot cheer up. People has been telling me it's ok to be sad, they tell me not to force myself to be happy if I am not because it's very tiring on the soul. I don't think I am even forcing myself to be happy anymore. I am just sad, almost all the time. And I am beginning to fear that people will shun me because I am always gloomy and no fun.

I guess the reason why I am still subjecting myself to these is that I don't want to give up so easily. I am using the same persistence I have in pursuing Christ to seek after the matter at hand here. I don't want to give up, unless there is really nothing left anymore. Then I would have to give up..

But this is so hard. It is different from pursuing Christ, because in pursuing God, you have that eternal hope and you know that His promises are true. So no matter what, I can persist, because I know that at the end of it all, I will win, with Christ by my side. But in this matter, I have no idea what is at the end of it.

You know, actually I am really tired. I have done all that I could. What more must I do? They have been telling me that I deserve better. I feel that way too. But I still can't help it...

Actually I don't want to cry anymore. But I can't help it when my heart suddenly chooses to feel hurt again and the pain is felt again.

And look at the number of new clothes, bag, shoes I have... I wonder if I am numbing myself with all these things. But I have promised myself, no more spending money on new stuffs until the end of the semester. I think I have spent hundreds in just the past month or so. :S

Please do not shun me, because I am no fun anymore. I know it is hard to be around someone who is always gloomy, but please give me time.. I will snap out of it... Because I believe in God. He hears me, and He takes pity on my soul.

Actually, this matter made me realised another thing: God really hasn't been first place in my life afterall. I had always felt that He was. But He isn't, at least not totally.

If God had always been first place in my heart, I wouldn't have been sad for two months now. I actually smiled at the realization of this, seeing how I had deceived myself in the past, claiming that God held first place, and realising how God had made use of this matter to let me learn this. Now, I want to learn to really put Jesus first in my life and in my heart.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
(I realised that the chinese version is also equally nice.)

Sometimes, I wonder why God wants me to be so perfect when I can see so many flaws and imperfections in others. Don't I deserve a break? Can I not be made so perfect? It is very painful for the potter to press against the clay, in order to create that perfect masterpiece he has in mind. And it is very hot when the fire burn against the silver in order to burn away the impurities. Sometimes, I ask God, "Why You allow others to be imperfect but demand that I go through so much in life in order to be perfected? I am only a little woman. I seek only a simple life, with God and a happy family, with people who love me. I am not going to be some big character, like Paul or Elijah. Why must I undergo so much?"

However, when I realised that God actually saw the good in me to want me to be perfected, and actually spend time with me to perfect me, I know that I want to be perfect for Him. Since He knows me better than I know myself, and He would never give me more than I can bear, I believe I can eventually emerge to be a perfect vessel for Him.

Don't fear, meixing. If you truly seek after God, even if He allows everything to be taken away from you now, in the future He will definitely give you things which are even better. He will return you tenfold the things you have lost, if you trust and obey Him.

If you happen to see someone cry on the bus/train, please offer a tissue or some kind words of comfort. If you happen to see me cry on the bus/train, please do it all the more!

I wish I'm happier. I really wish I am.

I don't know what I'm waiting for. But I'm just waiting..

In the time of the judges there was a man who had two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. Although Peninnah had children, this man, Elkanah, loved Hannah more, even though she had born no children; the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb. Because of this barrenness, Peninnah provoked Hannah severely and made her very miserable.

One year, after Elkanah made his offerings at the temple of the Lord, Hannah was so bitter in her soul that she wept and prayed to the Lord. The priest Eli heard Hannah’s prayer and confirmed that her request for children and her oath would be fulfilled.

Indeed, Hannah gave birth to Samuel. She rejoiced and praised God.

There is no question that God listens to all of our prayers. He is there for us in times of joy and thanksgiving; He is there during all times of trouble and anguish. Yet during all of these times, are we there for God? Like Hannah, do we turn to God when we are elated and happy, and rely on Him when we are hurt or filled with worries and problems? How often we forget our Lord is there throughout our daily lives!

Because of this, sometimes when we pray to God, it feels as though our requests are left unanswered. We may lose hope and fall into more despair. It is just as likely that when we do kneel down to pray, we don’t really trust God 100 percent; therefore nothing is gained from the prayer.

There is a solution. First, we have to draw nearer to God every day of our lives. We shouldn't just think about Him during services or at key moments in our lifetime; we should meditate and remember Him at every moment. That is spiritual nurture. Secondly, we must put all of our heart and emotions into our prayers. Hannah’s anguished weeping prayer was rewarded, and so will ours if we wholly concentrate when petitioning God.

Walk in the footsteps of God, pray constantly with earnestness, and we will be blessed day by day.

God, I am really really very sad. I wish I didn't have to wake up. The most peaceful I have felt in a long long while was the short few seconds when I just opened my eyes from my sleep. Then suddenly, as consciousness came upon me, many many thoughts and realities came into my mind, and my heart feels so heavy again.

I pushed away all my appointment for this morning. I just didn't have the mood to do them. I am really tired. I don't have the ability and energy to think anymore. Everything is a mess to me now. I don't understand why it has to be like this.

I just wanted to love. I may not know how, but I wanted to learn.

God, why must you give me a test like Job's? Of course, the only difference being he was a righteous man. But still, why must you always make me alone? Why do You want me to be so independent? Lone believer in the family. Lone sister of my age in church. Alone alone. I just don't understand why?

God, there is really nobody on earth that knows me anymore. That truly understands, appreciate, and love me for everything that I am. Last night's prayer, while I prayed, I still couldn't stop the pain. I don't want it to be like that. I want to be a happy girl, with total faith in her almighty God. But it's so hard. The tears just flow. But at least, I was made aware of something beautiful last night. If I had not received the Holy Spirit, last night I would have felt so lonely in this vast, empty world. Everything would seem so meaningless. But as I prayed, I take comfort that at least the Holy Spirit was praying together with me. He was with me, and in me.

God, I really want to forget about everything. It is too hard to hold on to even the memories. I want to go away. I want to leave this place.

I let You down, God. I am just too weak. I have given all that I could. That was all I could do. I have done everything. My perspectives have changed so much in this past month, but these are still not able to effect to anything. I too want to give up. But it's just very hard.

Lord, please come quickly. I just want to stop all the tears and the pain.

Such simple words and a hymn. It made me cry again. Such genuine concern and love from people, especially from brethren. I even had an almost-stranger messaging me on msn, cheering me up. It's just so touching. But why is it that I can't cheer up still? Why is it that everyone has showed concern for me, but..?

Is the heart of man really so hardened? :(

The tears behind the laughter.
The sadness in the eyes.

I always take some time before I can write an entry. The first words are always the hardest. I want to express my inner feelings with words. I want to describe the exact thing I am experiencing, but it's hard. I have been feeling so much emotions lately that I am like in a rollercoaster ride. And the longer you stay on one, the more tired you get.

I have been trying to occupy myself with things to do in the past week. I also talked quite a lot to friends. I do feel better... The only time that I have to feel sad is perhaps the times I am alone taking the bus or the train, or in between people's chattering and suddenly you zone out and the emotions start to pour into you again. During Holy Communion today, I wanted to tell God with all my heart that God, I want to keep the covenant for You. That it really doesn't matter what is happening, what is gone, or what is still around, I want to keep going for You. But suddenly, I grew really weak and really scared. I felt that I might not be able to do it. If I am not able to continue on, what will become of me? I grew really scared and really strengthless. Then, as I was eating the bread, I thought of how God fed Elijah in the cave so that he may have the strength to walk on. I knew then that God will give me the strength I require.

I know that God will be my strength. I know that He will protect me so that I will not be hurt anymore. I want to hide in Him. I wish I can be shielded from what I can't bear to see, or know. I have been thinking so much, too much. If I continue to think, I know I will go crazy. After I came back from the doc's on Monday, I know that I have to stop thinking. I want to stop thinking. But I still can't help it. I wonder how one can do it.

Sometimes, I really want to go away. I have never ever thought of leaving Singapore, but I actually don't mind now. Like, to study or to work.

And, you know, I actually can't wait for school. I need to occupy myself with work. I need to keep my mind active with some other things, so that I will not be able to think about this.

I finally understand why people blast music into their ears while on the train or bus. I think they are trying to block away sad thoughts. As you see the roads pass you by, memories just keep flashing by in your mind too. These people don't want to think nor feel. I need to do that too, at least for now. At least until I am more emotionally stable.

God, is it just me? Is this really what I deserve?

Wait, Meixing, with faith.