the time of singing has come!

spending some time alone to myself
didn't let anything bother me
except the random thoughts that passes through my mind
finally I got home and found Hann craving for some attention
for he has been alone at home the entire day

as I stroke His fur, watching him lying down in submissiveness, enjoying the affection
I realised I yearn for such affection too
that thought brought a void in my heart
for I do not want anything else to satisfy me, except Jesus

I think I need to learn to take a step back
I need to learn to wait

for I am also afraid to go nearer
to know deeper
and to be known deeper

maybe I am just afraid to be hurt again

in any case, I think I should first be resolved to take a step back.

During a prayer just recently, I suddenly had a thought that produced in me fear.

I suddenly saw everyone growing up and progressing through their lives, but I was left behind, as a child.

I have always thought it is okay to be more childish and ignorant than my peers. That's just the way I am.

So I didn't know why I felt so afraid.

Perhaps a message was trying to get through to me here.

That I cannot be a child forever.

Does that mean I have to throw away my child-like, naive dreams?
Does that mean putting both feet on the ground and simply toiling to earn a living?
Does that mean giving up my childish pleasures for the demands of my duty as an adult?

As the days go by and one grows older, the pressures to throw away dreams and pleasures for the duty of this life gets stronger.

And as I insist on pursuing the things of my heart, I seemed to have neglected the more essential issues of living? Which brings me back to the thought I had, "Do I love myself more than I love God? Have I been loving myself too much?"

Was that fear a wake up call to grow up and be a man (or rather, woman)? Which sometimes, or rather, often, mean sacrificing your own wants because of your responsibilities on earth?

Sigh, I am still so not ready yet.

Holding a violin properly feels kind of awkward.

But still, I am excited!

----

Blessed is he who praises!
For he sees only the good of others.

Even more blessed is he who praises God!
For he knows how to trust in Him whether in good or bad times.

CNY break went great, just as I have planned.

I had a wonderful First Day with my family. I finally went to Istana on the Second Day. And on the Third Day, I had good times spent at the musuems with my psych girls, plus good fellowship at Bro TK's place.

Yesterday I went to the Body Worlds Exhibition at the Science Center! And also visited other exhibitions there....

This year, I have been making an effort to fulfill some of my old-time wishes. And I have been very glad to be able to do so. I feel that I am finally living!

But, living for myself?

A small voice within me asked me this question the other day:

Do I love myself more than I love God?

-----

At the moment, I have many many many things waiting for me to do. I should not have been such a procrastinator, but that's the way I work! So I have like 4 deadlines this week and I am really getting quite worried.......

Guess I can't resume my daily bible reading again this week, as much as I really really wanted to and planned to.

I even planned to start my (chinese) new year resolution this week! That is, to stop all work by 4pm so that I will be home early enough to spend my time on other non-work stuffs. Hope it happens. (But it is definitely not happening today :/)

He went into the lift while I had my hands full of garbage bags and the lift didn't listen to my commands as I furiously press the button to open the door!!

So I stared blankly as the lift door closed and the lift going down.

I immediately dropped everything I was holding and RAN back home, shouting, "Hann went down the lift!!!"

My brother ran out with me, barefooted and we ran down the stairs, shouting for Hann.

I ran all the way to the first floor.

Good exercise after a heavy reunion dinner.

Thank God a mother heard our frantic calls and came asking, "Are you all looking for a dog? It went out at the fifth level."

I ran up the staircase to the fifth floor.

We found him sniffing the door to a unit that is exactly four levels down our unit. He must have recognised the way home after coming out of the lift, except that it was the wrong floor!

Hah... what a scare.
What an exciting way to start the new year!

And I realised we really do love Hann.
My brother ran out without shoes.
My mom ended her phone call immediately, thinking, "oh no oh no."
My sister got changed in order to join in the search.

Don't know what we would do if we had really lost him just now.
Will I be sad?

Labels: counting grace

One of my boys went crazy today. He was crazy with anger and started screaming and shouting, kicking down tables and chairs.

Of course, he did not do this because of nothing. He was provoked to anger by a classmate. Prior to this, he has been quite a tame and well-behaved boy in my class and so it was the first time I saw him like that.

His classmates and I were holding him back and trying to calm him down. The girl who provoked him was frightened; perhaps, traumatised is a better word. She cried and was later afraid to go near him. I had to calm her down and reassure her.

And for the rest of the day, this occupied my mind. There were many thoughts. Other than the usual about my own incompetence as a teacher, I was myself pretty traumatised by what I saw.

I saw how a sweet boy can suddenly change to become a "monster".
I saw bloodshot eyes that screamed and threatened to hurt.
I saw impulsive violent behaviour that needed to be held back or else who knows what might happen.
I felt the strength that angry people can possess in their moment of wrath.
I heard the frustration and anger let out in order to release the tension within.

I felt bad not to have noticed the build-up of these negative emotions in the boy. He mentioned he had tolerated long enough, and yet I have not realised it.

And I was scared myself. Frightened by how man can just suddenly change and become a totally different person. Someone who has lost control of himself and is led away by emotions. Someone who is out of reach and incomprehensible. But thats how the world is, isn't it?

Today my students saw how someone can change literally, carried away by his emotions. In the future, they will experience how people will suddenly change their mind, carried away by their own selfish desires, and turning their backs on them. They will meet people who has lost themselves in the world, carried along by the lust of the world.

Are they ready to face that?

I wasn't... and I'm still not sure if I am ready now.

I still think that humans are far too complex for my understanding, myself included. But I do think that my students are more blessed than most people, for they are simple in their hearts, they won't think so much.

I told the girl not to think so much, that the boy is okay, and that he is calm now. Yet, I just spent an entire day to contemplate about this matter. :/ Well.... I really needed to make sense of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm glad now to be able to pen this down.

And please don't misunderstand my intentions here. I am in no way putting down any of my students. I still love them a lot, and if God is willing to use me to help them, then I hope I am able to make a difference in their lives, no matter how small it may be.

Tomorrow will be a good day, for it is a fresh start again!

...

...


I'll talk when I find the words to convey.

My first MC for this year... and not a very truthful one. Hee. :P

But I do need that rest! And I am happy for what I have accomplished today - completing some tasks which I have been procrastinating about, resting, reading (yay!), some online cny shopping etc.

:D

happy day.

We do need such rest from time to time, don't we? (:

Holley (http://blog.dayspring.com/) actually wrote about biking today and that was exactly what I did today! Are we telepathic or something? I really enjoy reading what she writes about; I feel what she writes about.

And I really find today's entry about "How do you coast?" particularly meaningful, especially after today's cycling.

This year has started off quite peaceful for me. But that is because I decided to let go of many things, including church work. I guess last year I tried to do too many things in too little a time; I was running at the same speed throughout and I got really worn out.

This year, I have decided to slow down. Change gear. (:

But that is to prepare me for the next hill. So when I reach the next hill, I shall gather speed again.

Not yet though.. :)

How else do I "coast"?

Like Holley, I coast when I get curled up on the couch with a good book, or when I fly a kite, or when I admire the beautiful sky or bright big moon, or when I have a good chat with someone close, or when I write. (:

-------
I really enjoyed today's cycling, girls!
We were really not bad - 10km!

But it is even more meaningful to me that I feel I have gained back a sister. (:
Thank God and praise Him.

The moon was beautiful, really beautiful tonight.

Labels: counting grace