the time of singing has come!

And I realised, without expectations, you'll really be happier. Because whatever that comes to you, you will treat it as something extra given unto you and as blessings from God.

I'm just glad that today went fine. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's really the peace and the abidance of God. Whatever, I just want to stay this way. Keeping what will upset me out of my mind and just bask in this gladness in me (no matter how temporary it might be).

God will ride the storm with me. No matter how huge the storm might be, it will eventually pass. Face the storm head-on, with God's Word as my shield. Standing upright as I do that, with Christ as my anchor, I'm sure I will pull through, smiling.

I'm feeling better after I had the sudden breakdown. Sigh, yes, I cried again. But hey, I realised that it actually made me feel better. I've been stressed up by too many things recently. Relationships, finances, studies..... Sometimes, I wish I had not gone ahead with honours. I'm really not Honours student calibre. I thought of giving up everything and running away. But where to?

I really miss God. Wait for me.
I will cry to You.

I know, I know.

I have to let go, in order to be happier.
I have to face it, in order to overcome it.

I just want to go away.
I want to find the joy that God is keeping for me.

主耶稣，
事过境迁后，
或许大家都已将这事忘了，
或许大家也会把我忘了；
但请你让我记得，
你是不会把我给忘了，
你会记得我的辛苦，我的挣扎，我的努力。
你也会永远记得我的眼泪。
这将是我唯一的安慰。

If you are wounded, if you are alone,
If you are angry, if your heart is cold as stone,
If you have fallen and if you are weak,
Come find the worth of God
That only the suffering seek.

Come lift up your sorrows
And offer your pain;
Come make a sacrifice
Of all your shame;
There in your wilderness
He's waiting for you
To worship Him with your wounds,
For He's wounded too.

He has not stuttered, and He has not lied
When He said, "Come unto me, you're not disqualified"
When you're heavy laden, you may want to depart,
But those who know sorrow they're closest to His heart.

In this most Holy Place
He's made a sacred space
For those who will enter in
And trust to cry out to Him;
You'll find no curtain there,
No reason left for fear;
There's perfect freedom here
To weep every unwept tear.

- Come Lift Up Your Sorrows by Michael Card

对不起，主耶稣。我还是做不到。。
我还是很辛苦，很难受。。
都已经那么久了，我还是想哭。。

为什么你们要这样子来伤害我？我到底做错了什么？

韩剧的女主角因为父亲不愿意与她相认所以很难过。男主角看见她这样也很难受、很担心。他对她说：“有我不够吗？不要再为他而难过了。忘了他吧。我会更加地爱你。。” 丈夫真的能感受到妻子的痛苦。

我很羡慕她有那么一个疼惜她的老公。我也很希望有那么一个能感受到我的感受的人。
但我也听到了主耶稣的声音。主耶稣说：“有我还不够吗？我会疼惜你的。”

我难过的是我还是做不到。
我还是很惦记他，很在乎他。。
我知道主耶稣很疼爱我，但我还是放不下， 忘不了。
传道说，如果当初有保守自己的心，今天应该就不会那么伤心、难过了。
我难过的是为什么当初我会将我的整颗心掏出来，完完全全的献出来呢？应该保守的，放在神那儿。
我难过的是我全心全意地待你，你却如此的回报我。。

美星，
要每天告诉自己“算了”。
你失去的只不过是一个没有全心全意待你的人。所以，你并没有失去什么。
一定会有更好的。
要相信，要忍耐，要爱。
你可以的。

I had a bad dream that left my heart and soul feeling even heavier than when I had gone up to bed. I was feeling rather drained; thought that a nap would do me good. Perhaps it was purely physical fatigue? I would recover my strength and my spirit after a good rest.

The dream was incomplete, I wondered what would happen after that... but I think it's good that I don't know the outcome. In any case, the dream had served its purpose. I know that I have been giving myself too much pressure. I know that my hand still refuses to let go completely. I am constantly on the look-out... and it's driving me crazy. Why am I subjecting myself to such torture? 辛苦的只有自己。

I know that it is a burden that I need not bear. God probably never intended for me to bear such a burden. (I'm sure in God's eyes, it is such a silly burden! But to man, emotions are just such a big part of being human.) I can be free, in Christ. I want to be free. For a while, I had thought that I wanted to bear this in my heart for the rest of my life on earth, that perhaps it is a lesson for me to learn what it is like to love unconditionally. But, is it too hard on myself? Should I not treat myself better?

I really don't know, my Lord... I really, really want to be free. Free from all these sticky mess that cling on to me, my heart, my soul. It is taking away my energy, my spirit, my breath... It is drying up my bones. Will you please come soon?

When in the spring the flow'rs are blooming bright and fair
After the gray of winter's gone,
Once again the lark begins its tuning
Back in the meadows of my home.

Lord, make me like that stream that flows so cool and clear
Down from the mountains high above;
I will tell the world that wondrous story
Of the streams that flowed from Calvary.

Lord, to my heart bring back the springtime,
Take away the cold and dark of sin;
O return to me, sweet Holy Spirit,
May I warm and tender be again.

(TJC Hymn 437)

I know the reason for my moodiness these few days. Even if you haven't seen it on my face, I can feel it in my heart. The heaviness that drag you down. I know the reason when I went up to pray last night. I have been suppressing my tears. I didn't want to let them flow because I had told myself, "No, you shall not cry anymore." But it was only when I knelt down before the presence of my God that I realised I had to cry to Him. He will cherish my tears, and He will keep them. He will remember them. I can safely cry out to Him and have Him comfort me.

I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Then I wouldn't be having all these dumb emotions that clings to my heart and refuses to let go.
I want to like that stream, so cool and clear. I want that peace in me.
I want to be warm and tender. So that people around me may also receive that warmth.
I want that spring that comes after the winter.

You don't have to do things so secretively you know... People have eyes. They can see. If up till now you are not able to do things in the open, then what exactly are you doing? Do you know? Why do you have to dwell in the dark when you call yourself "child of the Light"? Why do you do things that you don't want people to know?

I know, I know... I am being the selfish me again. Here I am condemning and judging others again. I am also sick of it. I wish, I wish that none of these things had happened. I wish I can be like Paul, forgetting what is past and looking forward to what is ahead (Phil 3:13)... but it's so hard. I wish I can 100% trust and believe in God, that He will have something better for me. Why can't I?

I know that it takes time... and I know that God is with me, helping me to progress. One step at a time, one, two, three,... just like how Jesus walked on to Calvary. And the truth is that, despite all that the people did to Jesus, He still loved them dearly. And He still prayed for them.

I want to do this too. Trust me, my Lord, when I say I want to do this. I want to look beyond all these, treating these as rubbish (Phil 3:8), and really focus on the cross of my Lord. But, I am only human. I am only a girl. Help me, lest I fall. Catch me, when I do stumble. Don't ever give up on me, because You are all that I have now. I promise You, I will pray and I will learn and I will change, for Your sake.

Those who wait on the Lord shall be blessed.

There was once I got really hurt and I got this really bad and open wound. I was crying so hard, thinking that there is no way it can be healed. So what I did was, I simply hugged my wound everyday, looking at the open wound and feeling this pain in me.

Eventually, time (and God) closed up the wound. What was in place of the open wound was then a piece of very dead skin (I don't know the name for it!). It sealed up the open wound so that the pain seemingly is gone. I don't feel the pain that much anymore.

One day, I was looking at the piece of dead skin and I started to wonder to myself how on earth did I get that? I started to pick at the piece of dead skin, thinking that perhaps by prying open that piece of skin, I can get the answer I wanted.

In the end, the piece of skin was torn and I was left with a open wound again. The pain came back.

I think, I must leave the wound alone until the dead skin which seal up the open wound actually drop off by itself. Only then perhaps there is a chance that the wound can be completely healed. Perhaps if I let it alone, there might not even be a hint of a scar after it has been healed.

It is not easy though. Remember that although it is a period of healing when the dead skin closes up the wound, it is also a period when it itches the most. You tend to fall back on your own instinct to scratch the wound.

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life -
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

- A Woman's Question by Lena Lathrop

I have seen (and heard) enough unfaithful men in my twenty two years of life. Guys, you can't deny the fact that it is often the husband who has extramarital affair. I don't know why this is so. I don't understand why (most) men are like that. But I believe, and I pray, that my marriage will be a blissful, happy one. If God wills for me to get married, I pray that I will be blessed with a faithful husband and a happy family. We will serve the Lord and we will be very contented with a very simple life. We will have godly children who equally love God. (I was looking at some families during the recent REU day and I told myself in the future, I will also go for REU day with my family and we will have so much fun together.)

I know all these sound very fairy tale and all that, but I believe it can happen, as long as I keep seeking after the heart of God. I don't want to disappoint Him anymore, but I only pray that He may bless me in this aspect. In this life, I only ask for one thing - a godly and faithful partner. (okok, and also the salvation of my loved ones and myself :P)

But if it isn't the will of God, like perhaps it isn't God's will for me to marry, or that I married a terrible man, then I guess it is yet another lesson in life for me to learn. I will be very affected then, I know, but I pray that I will look back upon my life and remember all that I have endured, because of God, and find strength again to persevere. I can't possible give up, I have put in so much, endured so much, just to be with God. Meixing, remember.

In any case, on a more humourous note, when it really so happened that I am getting married, do remind me to show this poem to my future husband-to-be. I must make sure he knows what he is doing before I can commit myself to him, because I know that when I do commit, I use all of my heart (but of course, being smarter now :D, my heart is entirely with God. So, he will have to go through God first before he can have access to my heart.).

GUYS, before you make any rash commitment, please read the poem and reflect. :P Understand the seriousness of your action, especially the impact on the girl.

Humility

Sincere inclusion

Admonishment

Forgiveness

Forgetting the pain and putting the glory of God first,
in other words, denying oneself and being very focused.

My heart was stirred again as I held the bread in my hand during Holy Communion. I still didn't understand why Jesus could do it. Why, despite so many people not caring? I mean, those people didn't even care about Him! When someone I tried to love so much didn't care about me, left me to struggle and die, my heart was wrenched to the point of death. And Jesus had to face so many whom He loved dearly, their cruel shouts and their cruel cries to crucify Him.

Jesus was also fully man. I think, He must have cried. But they weren't shed, He must have swallowed them in. Then I saw how He denied Himself. He must have reminded Himself of His work on earth. He remembered what He was here for, what He had to do, to accomplish. So He denied Himself: I am here for the glory of God. He packed away all the emotions and tears and He threw them away. He forgot the pain so that He can be focused.

Then I saw how He took one step at a time towards Calvary. How He bore the cross and walked on. Slowly, one step at a time, but steadily. There were people around Him, mocking Him, spitting at Him, talking about Him. But He walked on, keeping silent.

My Lord, thank You for this moving in my heart. I pray that this moving will always stay within me, so that I will never ever forget how much You loved me and all men. I want to remember how You denied Yourself, how focused You were. I want to do this for You, because You first did it for me. I want to take this step for You, because You took those many steps for me. I want to forget the past. Who am I? I am only a vessel of God. I am here on earth to go about my Father's business. I have no privilege to feel all these emotions even. God is good, He gives us emotions to feel life. But I have no right to waste my life away dwelling upon these emotions. I want to minimise myself to the smallest. I don't even want to see myself anymore. Please God, let me do it. Help me do this, because I want to do this for You.

But I was worried that I couldn't do it. Then God let me see the steps He took. One, two, three... Each step felt heavy, but He pressed on. One, two, three... the people around Him added to the weight of it all, but He walked on. And so I realised, I can do it. I just need to take one step at a time. It will be heavy, it will be painful, but one step at a time, I can do it. I will eventually learn the love of Christ.

The effect of God's love overflowing within my heart will be peace.

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

風箏有風 海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以離開
所以不再為愛而愛
自己存在 在你之外

梁靜茹 - 崇拜

爱 是忘记受伤的回忆。

耶稣的爱 是在受伤害后，还能为伤害他的人祷告。
耶稣的爱 是在 真的受了伤后，真的能忘掉伤痛。

美星，你说你要做完全人，你说你要爱的真挚，但如果一直忘不掉受伤的回忆，那，你能爱的完全吗？

Have a week just passed me by? Every day I had simply stuck my butt on the chair furiously reading all those small wordings and trying to have my brain come up with some creativity. Have I even sleep at all during this period? I have only been resting my back on the couch while the light is still on, only to find the sun out again and I continued to stick my butt on that same chair.

I had been hibernating.
Because I had three papers due.

Is that the only reason?

I really don't know..

I feel like I haven't been to church for a while. I feel like it doesn't really matter? Afterall, I prayed everyday and I made sure I pray with my heart..

I feel like I have lost touch with the real world. Do people still remember me? Do people realise I'm gone? Do people think about me? Am I significant to anyone?

I don't like it when I am trying to study and suddenly flashback of memories come flooding into my head. I don't like it that I have to slap and scold myself, "MX, stop it. Stop thinking. It will make no difference anyway."

I wonder why these memories come into consciousness only now, after all that had happened. I wish they will not be stirred up. I wouldn't ask God to take them away... I think, I can't bear to have God take them all away. But I wish that at least for now, let them stay where they were, embedded in some deep corner of my heart.

God, let my mind always be filled with You, and my heart be filled with Your love.
Let me know the joy that is in You and help me learn to put all these away.
Away in some corner of the room.
Away in some corner of my heart.

It's Sabbath and Holy Communion Week. Let me be renewed in strength in You.