the time of singing has come!

It's always so very amazing when the peace of God fills you. I can still remember how scared I was just a few days ago. The kind of fear I had was nothing like what I had experience before. I really really fear my papers. I really really fear the future. I really really fear that I would die. My limbs would grow weak, and my heart would fail me, but yet I know that I cannot allow them to be so. I know that I had to press on, no matter what. I had no other choice. I just had to keep going.

I guess it was because, after all that had happened, I really wanted to make this right - my exams. It became my focus. And so, when I realised that I just cannot make it, that there is a very high chance that I will flunk this semester, I grew helpless. Heard of learned helplessness? There came a point in time when I was in that state. I thought of the things that had happened to me in my life, and realised that I just didn't have a say in them. They just happened to me, and I am made to accept them, whether I like it or not.

Really am thankful for the rest I got from Spiritual Meeting over the weekend. And the peace that God gave me in my heart. I am reassured that nothing else really matters; I just have to make sure I stay in God. And I am also beginning to see that I have the autonomy to choose; I am not helpless. I can choose and make the right decisions.

Okaay, I better not go on. I have not yet studied for tmr's paper! :O I better go now... I am pleasantly surprised to find two emails from tjctk that came together yesterday and they pretty much said what I want to say too. So, please read on. (:

At times, I do feel that it seemed unfair that I had to undergo so many trials.. (okayy, I know that everyone has his own cross to bear, but when one is in depression, one can't help but feel the weight of the cross) It's like, why? Why make me go through fire after fire, when others seemingly enjoy peaceful life?

In this world, equality is synonymous with justice, fairness, and the "rights" of individuals. We expect that as a member of society, each of us is entitled to the same opportunities and the same privileges as any other. When we are deprived of equality, we often feel cheated out of something that is rightfully ours. It is no wonder that we harbor discontentment in our hearts and that we tend to see the cup as half empty rather than half full. In a world where the motto is "survival of the fittest," equality becomes our protection and our security: it gives us a chance to get a break out of life. We rely on it when we should be relying on God.

The concept of equality that the Bible would have us learn is very different from equality as it is understood in society. In the Bible, equality is synonymous with generosity and the art of giving. While the world teaches us to look out for ourselves, the Bible teaches us to look out for each other, to admonish and to encourage one another with love and mercy. Equality, as Paul shares with us in 2 Corinthians, is to put the needs of our fellow brothers and sisters before our own. It is associated with giving rather than receiving: it is to learn the joy of sharing when we have plenty and to be humble enough to accept the kindness of others when we ourselves are in need. It is an equality of experiencing the love of Christ, to know that He died for all of us so that we might equally share in His love. Therefore, as He first loved us, so must we love one another; as He was generous with us, so must we learn to be equally generous with each other.

We are not all strong at the same time. That is the dynamism of the Christian faith, and the dialogue of love. We give when we have plenty and meekly appreciate the plenteousness of others in our time of need. Therefore, we never need too much while we follow Christ. We just need enough so that we may always be satisfied in the Lord. Then, in our contentment we may learn generosity, to know to cherish one another in Christ Jesus, and very importantly, to give thanks to the Lord.

"As it is written: 'He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.'" (2 Cor 8:15)

Sighhh. I love the words of the Bible. They never fail to comfort the deep deep part of my soul. I know I should stop thinking about how I seemed to have been unfairly treated by life, and start giving more instead. I like this particular sentence best: I never need too much while following my Lord; I just need enough, and I can be contented in Him.

At times, I believe I thought this way: God, I am sure You are on my side. You will remember me and You will deliver me out of all these.

Joshua 5 tells of Joshua's encounter with a man before taking the city of Jericho. God had told Joshua that He would give the Israelites the land of Canaan if they obeyed the law and were strong and courageous (Josh 1:6-7). Being close to enemy territory, Joshua asked the man a valid question: “Are You for us or for our adversaries?” (Josh 5:13). The man’s reply, however, was surprising: “No, but as Commander of the army of the Lord I have now come” (Josh 5:14).

Knowing the situation, one would expect the man to say he was for the Israelites, since God had promised them the land. But He said that He was not for either side. This shows that God is just. He does not show favoritism. As humans, we are all equal in the eyes of God.

The man’s response also reminded Joshua that he was fighting the battle against the Canaanites not for himself, but for God. By the end of his career, it was clear to Joshua that the battle and the victory belonged to God. Thus, he was able to say, “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Josh 24:15). Because we, as Christians, are living for Christ, we should remember that our “battles” in life are not for ourselves, but for God. With this in mind, we will be able to work fairly and with integrity.

In our daily lives, we may need to make difficult decisions and come across conflict. Of course, we should pray for God’s help and guidance. But we also need to consider our own attitude when praying to God. We should not ask God whether He is on our side; rather, we should ask ourselves whether we are on God’s side. As long as we obey God’s commandments, He will be with us wherever we go (Josh 1:7-9). Joshua was submissive when he realized to whom he was speaking. He fell on his face and worshiped. Let us also humble ourselves and submit to God, instead of asking Him to do what we want.

It is not a matter of whose side God is on. He never take sides. Rather, am I on God's side?

Labels: counting grace, encountering God

Labels: encountering God

我們是不是差一步就是情人了，回憶留下來的片段太過於栩栩如生
我不能輕易將這段情感忘懷，時間不會再回去，我懂的。
我只能向前走，我只能無止盡的..思念過去。..


詞：羽(莊雍羽)
曲：阿弓 (周緯陵)

煮一壺老酒 敬昨天的夢
還在回憶的小時候
在你眼眸或在我心中
當時我們 應該不只是朋友

大雨下過那山頭的故人坡
我在等你的時候也以為你在等著我
是我先走 還是你怕觸了景難過
對不起讓我說 本來你就屬於自由

大雨下過那山頭的故人坡
是不是還有未來的說好一起守候
天亮之後 我當作自己一無所有
何時能平衡在我最愛你的那時候

已經不再擺動
心碎的盡頭 記得有我

___________________________________________________

I came across this song on grace's blog and found it really nice. And someone commented on it:

故人坡這輕輕的節奏感聽起來有點像是"揮舞著翅膀的女孩"，但是細聽後會發現有所差異。
這不是什麼名氣創作家的知名音樂，而是兩個無名的網友所創作的。
這音樂很能使人放鬆，歌詞也蠻應景的(颱風雨)。大概能體會出納種感覺，雨中的旋律，帶著無奈與憂愁，來小飲一杯吧？

一切都會過去的。

敬未來。
_____________________________________________________

Hmm, found it rather comforting.

一切都會過去的。
This has been what I have been telling myself for the past few months too...

I know that it's hard for anyone to truly understand how I am feeling.

Probably nobody will ever perfectly know, and so I can't expect anyone to empathise with me. Probably no one will know fully what happened to me, what thoughts ran through my mind, what emotions welled up from within me, what I went through,.. and is still going through.. Probably no one will fully know the whole story, and probably it doesn't matter if they do know, or if they don't. Probably nobody can understand why I still can't get out of this after so long..

If there is one person who might know, who might understand, then probably that person is you. Because you know exactly what happened to me, and you know what kind of person I am, you know what I care about most, you know my strengths and you know my weaknesses.

Or maybe you really don't know, or you don't really want to know anymore.

I really cannot expect people to truly, fully empathise with me. They are also not obliged to do so.

I am finding it quite hard to hang around though. I am trying.. but even I can't stand my own hypocrisy. How do you define 'hypocrisy' anyway? To me, as long as there is something that you are hiding within you, that is hypocrisy. Because you know there is something that you haven't been open with the person you are interacting with, yet you act as if everything's fine and good. I can't stand myself being so hypocritical. The fact is that I still am affected and shaken by the things that happened. I'm seeing partiality, and experiencing coldness. Or is it just me?

Sometimes I start to think, you know, maybe it is just me. Maybe everything started because of me. My fault. My weakness. Maybe you know, I am evil, just that I am good at deceiving even myself. These thoughts.... they are really starting to drive me to insanity.. It's a neverending cycle of thoughts. They just go round and round and I can't find my way out of this. I have to shout "STOP" then can I pull myself out of this. I haven't dare to share about this because being a psychology major, I fear it might affect my future career. How can a mad woman counsel others?

But at least... I still have Him. At least, I can still kneel down in prayers and ask Him to examine my heart, and to remove all the filth within me. When these thoughts come to me, and I kneel down before Him, I start to become really scared. I fear being the evil one. I fear being the selfish, self-centred one. I fear that I have been the one on the wrong path, heading towards an entirely wrong direction. I fear God's rejection. I fear that I cannot enter heaven. And then, I will grow all weak, and at that moment, I will realise that I really don't want anything anymore, I just want to abide in God. I will then ask Him to take away everything, really everything - people, possessions, pride. I really don't want anything; they only add burden to me and to my soul. I want to be free. I want to be a good person. I want to be pure and holy. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be close to God.

So maybe, I will go away for a while. Away from the people, away from past memories, away from my own hypocrisy. I need time to think about the past years, to wrap them up and truly commit them into God's hand.

I know the glass is already broken, and I believe I have already let go of it (mx, you must...). But you still need to clear the broken pieces ya...? As you pick up and pack away these broken pieces, sometimes it will still prick you and hurt you... But remember, mx, once you put them away, it's all over.

Do not be afraid; be strong.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13)

In such a rushed and time-conscious world, patience and waiting often escape our natural reactions to everyday problems. In our cursory prayers, we hurriedly ask God to guide us and solve all of our problems, expecting peace and prosperity from Him. Unfortunately, we hardly wait to hear God’s reply before we wrap them up with a quick thanksgiving, more “please guide me” statements, and a final “Amen.”

Like Saul, we trust in the providence of God but lack patience. If Saul had waited a little longer, he would not have lost his kingdom (1 Sam 13:14) and most importantly, God’s favor and abidance. As the multitude of Philistines gathered to attack and his own people began to scatter, Saul grew desperate for help. Yet God is almighty and can control the universe with just one utterance. Even if Samuel never came, the Philistines would have been powerless against a patient and obedient Saul. For as Moses encouraged the Israelites, God promises “the blessing, if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God” (Deut 11:27)

We know the necessity of God’s guidance and protection in our everyday lives. Yet we rush ourselves to work, the bank, and the grocery store, through all the turns and loops in between. We expect God to direct our paths, but often grow impatient at the twists and turns in life. God has already mapped them out (Job 13:27)—He has His time. We must learn to stop, breathe, and wait.

Time is selfish and stops for no one. But God comforts us with the promise that “all things work together for good to those who love God” (Rom 8:28). Loving God includes trusting His judgments and sacrificing time to pray with perseverance for the revelation of His divine will. Most of us despair after a week of silence, convince ourselves that God does not exist in our lives, and are swept back into the wave of the busy world.

Apostle Paul exhorts, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication… let your requests be made known to God” (Phil 4:6). With prayer on our side, we need only to wait patiently for the voice of God and watch for His reply. Sometimes God reminds us to add patience and trust to the hustle and bustle of our lives, for to “everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven” (Ecc 3:1).

(from http://ia.tjc.org/elibrary)

Wait, mx, WAIT.

Thank you for walking past as7 and stopping to talk to me. Thank You that it rained so that our paths can meet. Thank You for allowing me the chance to let go of some of my bottled-up emotions, otherwise I wouldn't have found the strength to continue on. There's just so many things waiting for me to work hard for, but where has my strength gone? I really really want to put in my best effort, but even if emotional and mental fatigue haven't caught up with me, physical fatigue has.

I know I have failed today's test.. I pretended that it didn't bother me that much since I have already expected it. But I know God wanted me to face my emotions. Why hide? So He provided you to listen to me. I find it strange how comfortable I felt when i shared with you what happened. Even though we aren't close (maybe just alittle more than pure acquaintances), somehow I felt that you understand. Or even if you didn't, I know that you are sincere in your listening and that you care. It's like I know, you wouldn't harm me nor think anything bad about me.

Just wanted to remember this small blessing of God today. Thank you for your time and your sincerity. I pray that the good Lord will touch you and show you His truth someday.

I must continue to jia you now.

MX, don't doubt.. God.

for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. (James 1:6)

I know you are tired, and you are afraid. I know you can't see what is in front, and the uncertainty scares you. I know you want someone to squeeze your palm when you are feeling anxious. I know you want someone to give you a reassuring smile when you are unsure. I know that all you want is simply someone by your side - a mentor, a friend, someone who really cares for your soul.

I know that's all you want. But probably I won't give you just yet. Not until you learn to be one yourself - a mentor, a friend, someone who cares for the souls of others. Not until you learn to stand on your own feet. Not until you successfully throw away the selfishness in you.

I will never give you burdens beyond what you can bear. And remember, all things work together for good to those who love God. If you really love Me, do not fear. Perfect love casts out fear. Press on, like how Paul did. Keep-on, like what you have heard and had resolved.

Remember Me, and how much I love you. Is that not enough for you? You know it is enough.

And I will always remember you. I will remember your heart, your deeds, and your resolution for Me. Don't be silly. I am God. I never forget. And I am Your God. I went through so much to save you, in order that you may be washed and be reconciled with Me. Of course I will never let you go. But what about you? Will you let go of Me? Recall how you had held onto Me so many times before. What about now? Are you really going to let go this time?

My girl, it is not worth it if you give everything up now. It isn't worth it. You must hold on. Remember, only those who endure to the end will be saved. It isn't My will that you should give up. It will pain Me to see you go away.. If you feel lonely, come to Me. If you are grieving, cry to Me. I will protect you, and I will shield you. I will guard your heart. But you, you must also do your part to guard your own heart.

I will give you a strong and courageous heart. I will renew your strength. Come to Me daily, I will give you enough strength to last each day. You can make it till the end. And at the end, I will receive you with open arms into my bosom. I will give you a great big bear hug, and kiss you on your forehead. I will tell you, "My dear girl, you have done well."

That day is coming. It will come very soon. I promised this more than 2000 years ago, and a promise is a promise.

A reply to passerby:

yeaa I am really trying very very hard to move on; to the extent that I am pushing against myself constantly and I feel at times like I am being torn apart literally.

These days I have been feeling like I'm warring with myself everyday. I'm making myself do more than what I can. Be it in my studies, or in my emotions. I feel that I am struggling constantly. I really had thoughts of giving up. I really feel like quitting school now and doing something less stressful. I want to be at peace.

But I know that I cannot give up, practically and rationally. I must press on, at least until this semester is over. And I am really grateful for the support and understanding I get from my friends in school.

I have been very, very tired. And that day I suddenly had this thought, "Why can't I just be myself? Why am I constantly struggling against myself?" Then I heard the answer, "Because your self is evil and sinful."

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
(Romans 7:15-23)

So, I know, this struggle is good. But still, I ought to take things slightly easier. I will press on and do my best, but not to the point that I will crack and lose my sanity. So, thank you, lpp, for giving me time. And yes, passerby, I will pray for a quiet spirit in me.

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Timothy 6:6)

I am happy, and I am contented. :D

Remember,
For we, though many, are one bread and one body; for we all partake of that one bread. (1 Cor 10:17)

Nothing must break this unity. Nothing.

I have the best present for you. I hope that God grants me the courage to give it to you. And I hope that when you received it, you will truly be happy.

It is also a present for God. That one step which I took one month ago remained just one step. Hah, I really found it too painful to walk on. I know what God would like me to do. I also want to walk on for Him. I want to finish the walk with Him. Pray that I am able to do that.

Oh, I realised it is also the best present for myself. :D