the time of singing has come!

I really appreciate the love and concern I've received. Don't worry, I believe I am resilient. I won't die.

A few times for the past few days, I have been looking out into the sky. Finally, there was the sun shining through the clouds today. It has been so gloomy and I hate that weather. It make me sick, literally. But I know of someone who like that kind of weather, and that kind of temperature.

So, every time I look up into the sky, I will try to locate God, and I will talk to Him in my heart. Tears would flow so easily now. Its like a bottle of coke after you shake it. The gas just threatens to burst out, but you force the cap on and it doesn't. Once you slightly loosen it however, everything flows out. My heart is like a bottle of shakened coke.

But I also remember very clearly this:
I was looking at the sky and wondering what would I do if Jesus came then? Like, right then. I was like all teary-eyed, but if Jesus came then, surely I would be happy! I have waited so long for that day. But I remember that somewhere my heart tells me no, I won't be happy. Because I would be ashamed to meet God in that kind of state. God will look at me and ask me, "Hello? What is wrong with you? What's with the teary-eyes? And the gloom that lurked over your face? You look like one with no hope and no tomorrow!"

At that moment, I realised that no, I don't want Jesus to come then. Not before I pick myself up again. Not before I dry those tears. Not before my heart is healed by the Holy Spirit. Not before I am perfected. Not before I learn to entrust everything to Him, and to abide in Him, and Him in me.

I must be able to stand up first, before I meet Jesus during His Second Coming. If Jesus sees me like this, even I myself feel that I am not fit to enter heaven.

So, I say, I am resilient. I am stubborn. I am anal. Ever since I was a little girl, I love challenges. This time, the challenge is to pull myself together. It's going to be very hard. But I must accomplish it eventually. I want to meet God on that day, and have Him declare me blameless before Him.

Meixing, focus. You have many many who love you, and God, who loves you deeply.

I haven't been feeling very well lately - chest discomfort and breathing difficulties. So finally, I went to see the doctor today. I had a ECG and thank God, my heart is functionally normally. The doctor also said that my breathing was normal, so nothing wrong with my lungs. So he guessed it must be due to stress.

When he found out that I have been having these complaints for a month now, he seemed shocked. I was genuinely surprised at his reaction too. I didn't think that a month is that long... but I guess it is long. Just that it had simply just passed me by. I have been depressed for a month now.

When the doctor found that nothing was wrong with my body, he asked me if I would like to be referred to a counsellor. HA HA. I found the situation really funny. Was it that bad...? After I declined the offer, he offered to prescribe me some medicine to make me "feel better"..

Sedatives.

I took a second to contemplate the thought of taking sedatives. I never thought I would have to depend on drugs.

I asked, "Will it make me happier?"

I honestly didn't expect myself to blurt that out. I asked that with a smile, but I realised I was fighting back the tears.

MEIXING, look at the mess you got yourself into. You must get a grip man.

I was feeling sorry for the state I have become. After I left the clinic, I went to buy chocolates and chocolate milk tea.

美星，算了吧。你要振作！

I really can't see myself out of this. My heart is dying. I can't fall asleep every night. I have been crying everyday. I only wish that Jesus will come, like now. Then I will be ok. I will be healed. I will be comforted.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” (Rev 21:4)

All man can fail you.
Only Jesus will never fail you.

All things can change.
Only Jesus never changes.

Jesus, come quickly. I want to go to You.
我真的很累很累了。

I had a wonderful time at Batu Pahat yesterday (Saturday). Precious memories still linger in my mind. The practices we had and the anxiety we felt together. The actual presentation and the grace of God with us. The laughters and the photos. The ramly burgers and the 大杯水promise. We had only a rather short time to prepare and truly, we saw the hand of God working with us. I personally felt the grace of God too. I really really enjoyed the last two hymns. The kind of joy I felt was undescribable. It just made me smile from the heart. I felt like I was really just praising God, and God heard it. I am really thankful to be able to be a part of this.

Today, I cried again. It seems like the matter has never left my heart. It is still within me. I believe the joy I felt at Batu Pahat was true joy though, it wasn't a fake front just to cover up my sadness. I really felt happy. But at the same time, sadness still linger in me. It will probably still take a while. Or maybe it won't ever leave me. But at least, I have learnt to entrust to God. In order to do that, I need only pray, and God can make my heart feel better.

At least, those tears I shed today weren't tears of despair and extreme sorrow like those before. My heart didn't feel that painful and pierced anymore. I know that they were tears of healing. God can heal me.

Truly God is good to Israel,
To such as are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled;
My steps had nearly slipped.

I was dropped to the lowest pit,
and was left there to struggle.
Why did You allow such pain?
Why could You bear to see those tears?
How could you take away all that I have,
and still desire that I worship You?

When I thought how to understand this,
It was too painful for me -
Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood..

I could have died. I would have already been dead.
But You loved me so much that You saved me once more.
You cried alongside with me.
You felt the pain within my heart.
And You touched my heart with your nail-scarred hand,
in order to let me heal.

Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.

You still accepted me despite all that I have done.
You are moulding me to perfection,
wanting me to rely completely on You,
for my own good.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

It is good for me to draw near to the Lord,
I have put my trust in You.

-adapted from Psalm 73

After my tuition, I made my way to Tampines Central to deposit the tuition fees I received and also to update my bank books. After I am done with DBS, I also wanted to update my UOB book. (oh, please don't assume I am rich. To let you have a clearer picture, I am not afraid to say that I am currently under the Tuition Fees Loan, NUS Study Loan, and even the Notebook Loan. :S) But the machine was faulty. I then decided to make my way to the UOB building itself.

I had to wait at the traffic junction before the green man finally came on. I walked briskly, but peacefully. When I reached the place, I look out for the machine that reads "Passbook Update". Walked to it and inserted in my book. While waiting for the machine to update my book, I was looking around and I saw these words: "Updating is not available from 10pm to 3am". It interests me for a while, while I thought of the reasons why that is so. Why other ATM machines can operate 24hrs, yet the updating one is not able?

Then I realised "Hey, isn't it already 10pm?" It was like 1010pm on my watch, but my watch is famous for being ahead of actual time. HMM, I thought. Then, my book was done with the updating and the machine spat my book out. After like two seconds, the machine flashed "Updating service is not available".

WAH, I thought to myself "How heng can I be?" If I was like maybe 2 seconds late, I would have missed it. Hahah. It wasn't like the world's most important task that I must accomplish by tonight lahh, but being the anal me, if I can't complete the things I set out to do, I will definitely be affected. My moods might just come crashing down again.

Haha. God really loves me :P. Thank God!

sorry for making you read a totally brainless entry. I just wanted to remember how happy I felt at that moment. (:

gosh, I just spent the entire afternoon searching for temporary jobs and looking for holiday destinations. I suddenly feel like going on a vacation on my own. But I can't find a suitable, affordable place... any suggestion?

you know... I really thank God for Hann.. If not for him, I wouldn't know how my days would be spent. Especially when I am alone at home (which is most of the time now for the past month), it really helps when there is something else breathing in air with you. Life doesn't seem too dark and lonely when there is someone (something?) else alive beside you, breathing in that same air.

I really appreciate Hann, for being there, always walking beside me. Tagging along wherever I go. Looking at me for cues on what to do next or where to head for next. While I was simply standing by my door, looking out into the skies and taking in the stillness of the air, Hann was also simply by my side, looking up at me. They say dogs know the moods of their owner. I believe Hann understood my inner emotions right then.

I thank God for Hann.

Jesus' disciples once asked Him why they could not cast out a demon. Jesus' answer seems simple, that if we had faith as small as a mustard seed, we could move mountains. But what a sight that would be—a mountain picking up to move because we told it to! Would you believe it?

It is never easy to put a matter that is dear to our hearts into someone else's hands, to trust another as much as we trust in ourselves. How then, do we transcend such human understanding to appreciate that God is not just "someone else"?

The first step, presenting your request to God, is your affirmation that He exists. We know to ask for the things we need because we were taught to do so, and because we have witnessed many prayers God has answered in those around us. When it comes to your own situation, though, you may find yourself asking, "When will that mountain get up and move?"

If we entrust a matter to God but entertain the thought that He might not be able to deliver, what does that say about our faith in Him? Knowing that He exists is very different from experiencing that He exists. Believing in what you ask for is a deep personal acceptance that God exists for you. Believing that God answers prayer comes from a faith that proclaims that God is the direct author of our lives. Do not focus on what the eyes can see; focus on what the Lord can do. In your heart, what is it that you would like for God to answer?

The Lord understands your needs and longs to show Himself to you. At the very least, you must meet the Lord halfway. God is infinitely faithful to you and He will grant your request if you have asked from the heart. Therefore, do not doubt when you present your requests to God. When you believe in your supplication, His peace will overcome you, assuring you that He has heard your request and His answer will soon follow.

Ultimately, whether or not the mountain moves is not the greatest objective. Rather, it is believing in God, regardless of the outcome, that is more essential as a measure of our faith.

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I guess I have not been trusting in God enough. I have not been able to entrust everything to God. I was really afraid to lose all that I have. I still am. But then, I know and experience that God is really really by my side. The past few sermons I heard, I know that God is talking to me directly. I thought about Job. I thought about the few funerals I went to in the past month. I thought about the marvelous grace and mercy of God and of course, His great love for me. I don't know why I'm even worthy for all these. I guess I am not. But it is by His grace. He overlooked all my weaknesses. He wants me to be saved. He wants me perfect.

My heart still hurts. A lot. The tears will still roll down once I bend my knees in prayer. I have never lost so much. But I know, I just know, there must be a beautiful will of God in this. No matter what had caused things to become like this, I must shift my focus back to God. With God, through comfort from His word, and strength from the Spirit, with my family, Hann, and friends, I think I can get through this.

These things that are in me..
These tears that are bottled up within me..
I need to let them out..
I need to tell someone..
But there is none I can tell.

What should I do?
Im really confused and scared.

Even my hands tremble while I talk to you.
Why have you changed?

The hurt I feel in my heart now is not something I have ever felt before.
I have learnt to stop the tears
But what follows is a really empty feeling..

I'm not sure if my heart is still there where it should be,
or perhaps it is so heavy that it has sunk to the bottom,
or perhaps it has lost all emotions...

Even in prayers, I had to use my hands to touch my heart, in order to feel it.

Then, I found out that as long as I keep my mind occupied,
I can minimise the ache in my heart.
I can take my mind off the hurt and the pain,
I can stop questioning, "Why, why, why?"
I can stop waiting.

But actually, you know, the pain is still there, it has not gone away. You were simply stimulating your brain with another sensation, in order to cover up the pain sensation.

Sometimes, I fear prayers even, because God will touch my heart and make it feel again, and the fountain of tears will start welling up again.

That kind of ache, I cannot describe. I'm just utterly and thoroughly defeated.

耶和华，我的神！
我要一心称谢你.
因你的慈爱怜悯长存直到永远。

你不纪念我的过犯，
好叫我还能在你面前站立，不至于跌倒在地。
你的恩典丰富满溢，
我呼求的日子，你应允我，使我心里有能力。

我听见了你口中的言语、
明白了你心里的美意，
看见了你手的救恩。

你的作为，主啊，我无法诉说。
因为太美、太妙了。
我只能求天父你不要离弃你手所造的，
因为我只是尘灰；
我相信你必将我救活，
你的右手必拯救我。

耶和华必成全关乎我的事。

In the day when I cried out, You answered me, And made me bold with strength in my soul.

我相信主的时间。（：
只要多一点的信心、勇气，
应该就足够了。

原来主耶稣是爱我、是为了我好。
他也不希望我死，费尽苦心为了我的得救。
我看见了他的恩典何等大。
他的用意我明白的。
只是，我还需要多一点时间。
和多一点的安慰。

就多一点时间吧。。