the time of singing has come!

At certain point in my day today, I felt that life was kind of meaningless. I can't really see what I am working hard for. I can't see what I am living for. I can't see what I am breathing for.

But I pressed on and another day is over.

I marveled at the weakness of the flesh. How I can seemingly be strong one instance, and then grew all weak the next instance. Maybe it is because I haven't been praying well.

Your presence tore down all the defences I have built up around me all week. My God, however You do it, please save me out of this. Help me believe there is a way out of this.

I know that deep within me, I still wish that none of these things had ever happened. I wish I was still a naive girl who totally believe and trust in the one(s) who supposedly love her. When the only person in this world whom you thought will never ever harm you actually dealt you with such a blow, literally take your heart and shred it into pieces, you are left pondering "What's next? What is there left of life that you can hope for?"

Meixing, look at yourself. You are turning back again. Watch it, you don't want to sink into that pit again.

I hate people who don't practise what they preach.
I hate people who 喜新厌旧.
I hate people who smile, but are actually hiding a knife behind that smile.
I hate people who pretend to be teachable, but never actually really putting those teachings in his/her heart.
I hate people whose love have grown cold, who don't feel.

Actually, I don't think I hate.. rather, I feel really really sad.

I hope and I pray I will never fall into these categories.

I like basking in the morning sun with the one I love and who loves me too.
I like to be a ignorant little girl.
I like taking long bus rides to nowhere.
I like to take train rides along the countryside and be touched by the world that God created.
I like to play hide-and-seek with my dog and have him yelped with joy.
I like to see the people around me smile and laugh; I don't like to hear them complain about money, about life.
I like to see the church being strong and with love and as one.

Meixing, cheer up! Smile please. There are still much in this world to be conquered. You need to be strong to do that. And God will give you the strength, day by day, until He comes again. You will be happy. Because God knows best.

The pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.

"There are 5 things I need you to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world, always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

"ONE: You will be able to do great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone’s hand."
"TWO: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you’ll need it to become a better pencil."
"THREE: You will be able to correct any mistakes that you might make."
"FOUR: The most important part of you will always be what’s inside."
"FIVE: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

- from vivi's study bible (:

天国好象宝贝藏在地里
人遇见了就把它藏起来
欢天喜地，欢欢喜喜
变卖了一切所有的
买了这块地

天国好象一颗贵重珍珠
人找到了，就为它下决心
欢天喜地，欢欢喜喜
变卖了一切所有的
买了这珍珠

我已得着基督
如同生命至宝
世上各样事物
转眼变成粪土

我已得着基督
如同生命至宝
脱去各样缠累
欢欢喜喜跟随

- 宝贝

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me the opportunity to fight for what I know is right and good. At least I had the chance to do all that I could. Yes, the end-result is not what I had desired, but I know that it is enough, at least for now. I have wasted enough of my time pursuing after something for myself, and not for God. God was merciful enough to allow me the time and chance to do so. I guess He knew the outcome already, but still He stood by me as I worked hard for this. He was with me as I waited. He cried as I wept. "Why, O Child, do you want to subject yourself to this?" He must have been trying to tell me this so many times.

Thank you, Jesus, for Your patience with me. I really should not be wasting my life on the pursuit of the things of the world anymore. What is meant to be will be. What is not meant to be will never be. God is good; He knows the plans He have for me, plans of welfare, not of evil, plans of hope and a future.

I have decided to cast aside all of that which enchained me as I pursue Christ. Right now, I just want to grab hold of God and follow after Him joyfully. Let me look beyond the things of the world and understand that all these really do not matter; they are only temporary.

Let me see with Your eyes, understand with Your mind, work with Your hands, and love with Your heart. Let me not harbour hatred. Let me forget how my heart was pierced. Let me forget the past and strive on forward. I definitely have a future in You.

Let me remember this determination and not waver anymore.

Actually, I know that I am very sad.
But I also know that God is shielding my heart so that I can still take it.

How can we ever trust when man changes so much so fast?
To be honest, I am really scared.
I find trusting man very hard, which is why I said that day that trusting God is easier, because you know He will never hurt you.

To trust is to reveal a portion of your heart to that someone, leaving it vulnerable to be hurt by the person. Whoever is reading this, if I had ever reveal a portion of my heart to you before or in the future (if I still have the courage to do that), please don't ever take a knife and stab right through me.

My dear Lord, please help me believe in Your goodness.

You know what,
I actually miss you.

In a way, I rather things remain status quo now. I fear knowing more. Things that I really cannot bear to know. I rather give you the benefit of the doubt. I rather you stay the way you were in my memories.

My Lord, save me and place me on that rock that is higher than I, please.

What is love? Em just blogged on 1 Corinthians 13.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

A girl on a korean drama serial just defined love for me too. She said, "Love is giving my all to you, and still regret not being able to give more to you."

My Lord, teach me to love the way you do. Love, without deceit and hypocrisy. Love, genuine and sincere. Love, despite the pain and the hurt.

I want Your heart as my heart.

Less than two years ago, a girl walked into the waters. There were two men beside her, grasping tightly to her as one raised his hand up to heavens and then gently pushed her into the waters. For a split second, she only heard and saw bubbles of waters around her. And then she came up from the waters.

That was a covenant she made with God. She knew that her old self had to die with the death of Jesus and a new life resurrect with the resurrection of Jesus. She knew that Jesus died for her so that she can become a new man, and that new man is one that is in Jesus and of Jesus.

Sadly, it never came true. She forgot about the covenant. Or maybe, she thought she had kept to it, but really, she had not. She was still the same old person, before baptism. She didn't put off the old man. She remained in her sins. She didn't really put on Christ. She couldn't, if she had not remove the old man.

She betrayed Jesus. Because it was a covenant made between her and Jesus. Yet, she didn't keep to her part of the covenant. How did Jesus feel? Jesus loved her so much to the extent of shedding His blood for her. When they made the covenant, Jesus thought she would keep her promise. But she didn't. How did Jesus feel?

He must have felt utterly betrayed and disappointed with her. His heart must have been pierced by her.

I'm sorry, my dear Lord. I can't believe that I am guilty of betraying someone who love me so dearly too. How could I have been so blind not to realise this?

Before I think about those who betrayed me, let me first think about how I betrayed You. And let me repent, and mull over this for tonight.

我自己都没有守约，又怎能要求别人对我守约呢？

I think I've done enough thinking for tonight.

Thank you who made me realise this.

Labels: contemplation, encountering God

My Lord Jesus,

How did You feel when you knew Judas was going to betray you? How is it that you can still wash his feet? Your heart, it must be aching so, so badly. How is it that you can still garner the strength to wash his feet? Didn't your hands tremble? Didn't your heart go weak? Didn't your tears flow?

How did you feel when he really betray you? When he actually even went up to you and kiss you? Don't you feel like slapping him?

Lord Jesus, when someone you love so much betrayed you, how did you feel? How is it that you can endure such pain? You were fully man too. Surely you felt the hurt and the pain. Surely it pierced right through your heart too? Then why, tell me why you can endure it?

I know, I know it's because you looked beyond all these. You looked beyond all these and saw the will of God. You saw God and you understood why you had to go through all these. You put the things of God first, even before your own feelings and emotions. Even though it hurt you so much, you know you had to go through the whole thing and bring glory to God.

Please don't let me give up. Please let me also look beyond all these and understand. Please let me bring glory to God, at the end of this.

I beg You,
MeiXing

__________________________________________________________

My heart is severely pained within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness.
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest."

For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;
Then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.

But it was you, a man my equal,
My companion and my acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together,
And walked to the house of God in the throng.

He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him;
He has broken his covenant.
The words of his mouth were smoother than butter,
But war was in his heart;
His words were softer than oil,
Yet they were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the LORD,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
- Psalm 55

Labels: contemplation

My Lord,
will You please save me out of all this?

I still cannot believe what is happening.
I can't bear to see.... certain things. Things which make my hands tremble and my heart go weak.
I cannot bring myself to face certain realities. Realities that make me disappointed and lose hope. Realities that cause me not to understand what is going on.

I really don't know why all these are happening to me. I know I have done wrong. But I just want to right the wrong now. Should I continue to insist on this?

I think, I am going to faint very soon. My heart... you might as well pierce me with a knife; I think it is less painful that way. I hope that God will deliver me out of all this quickly, somehow. Please, my Lord.. I beg You.

There are just so many things I want to say, but I don't know how to say.

After so long, I still cannot believe this is happening to me. Every morning I wake up and ask myself, "Is this really reality?"

I want to believe that God has a far better plan for me, for my future, but I can't help dwelling on here and now.

I want so much to vent my hatred and my anger, but I know there is no point in doing that.

Then, what do I do? I can't do much, except to stare into space and think, and think, and think.

If it isn't the same anymore, then it's time to let go.

If the facts are so, then you have to accept.

Why fight to hold on, when there is nothing left to hold on to?

算了，sometimes you have to tell yourself 算了，why make life so difficult for everyone?

My principles are still the same ones I had when I was still a child: I know I will be happy, when the people I love are happy and blessed.

God is giving me a chance to love really big. I never thought I could do it, but maybe I can, with God's help.

My heart was aching so badly during prayers. I think I have almost reached the pinnacle of pain. If my heart pain any bit more, I think it will literally tear.

Today was also the first time I cried uncontrollably in front of people. I had always been able to keep a strong front when I confide in people. Strangely, though, today when you two came by my sides and held my arms, tears simply gushes out and I had simply allowed them to flow. Really, that was a rare occasion. I usually don't burst out crying in front of people. In any case, I was thankful for your quiet company, so that I was permitted to squeeze out my hurt, drop after drop.

And thank you for your tears that you shed with me. Tears that tell me you can feel the same pain that I am feeling. And for that, I am thankful enough already. I know you have always treated me as family, and I will also always regard you as my dearest sister.

And definitely thank you who stood by me, night and day. Who chatter nonstop in order to drill it into me. Whom I listened intently to today, and realise I have lots to learn from you. If I can pull through, I owe a large part to you.

Thank you(s) of course for the tea and the cabfare and the late nights. You allowed me to see things better in new perspectives and dissect the issue at hand for me. You were never judging, never demanding. You were the ones who prayed together with me over this and allowed me to see some worth in me.

And of course, you who wrote me the touching message on a little card and made me cry on the bus home. And you who ever so willingly accompanied me to where I needed to go. And you who help me survive my campus days (I only wish I can be there for you more). And you, whom I know still cares so much, not only giving advice but also providing the emotional medicine - chocolate.

And also thank you who in one way or another had helped me or offered me kind words.

Thank you, God, for the beautiful weather this morning as I sat along the road to admire the flowers and butterflies. If the weather was bad, I wouldn't be able to get away from the crowd and the noise. I wasn't exactly hiding, but somehow God shielded me such that nobody found me and I was able to be left alone to converse with my God. I plucked a flower to remember this moment.

You know, each time I hold the Holy Communion bread in my hand, I can't help but tremble. This is the body of Jesus I hold in my hand. Why? Just why did he die for me? Why? Why can't I live for Him? I told God then that I really really want to live for Him. I really want to put aside all the rest. I don't want them to enchain me and slow me down in my journey of faith. I must do it. I can do it.

Of course, it still hurts so, so much. But it's ok. As long as I did all that I could, I can remain blameless, whether towards men or towards God. As long as I once gave my all to love, and to love sincerely and genuinely, and I didn't do anything wrong, it is good enough. Remember meixing, you can answer to God, and you did nothing wrong to anyone, then that is really good enough. Whatever it may be, forget about the past, and look forward to Christ.

Will you let me love you?

Oh! Who's talking to who?
Are you the blessed?
Or are you the one who's pleading for love?

How about God's still, small voice? Do you hear it?

Maybe.., it's all too late now.
I am really tired by this game of yours.

Remember, meixing, self-worth comes from the love of God. If God loves you, then you have worth. If you have God, as you indeed have, then there is something worth living for. There must be something out there worth waiting for. Something so wonderful, so great, that when that day comes, you will say, "I'm so glad I waited till this day!"