the time of singing has come!

Two friends were walking through the desert.

During some point of the journey they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend slapped me in the face."

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and starting drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend saved my life."

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After i hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

i really enjoy netball. (: even though i didnt play just now, just looking at them play makes me feel happy. i remembered i once told a church sister that i feel that netball is actually like an art. if you are able to execute those moves perfectly, the ball can be passed on and on very smoothly and quickly. from a centre pass, it can take just 3 (or even 2??) passes to get a goal! and you feel very satisfied when you and your team are able to do that.

netball is also very very much abt teamwork. in fact, to me, i feel that netball IS abt teamwork. forget abt the star shooter or whatever. i mean, yar, they are good but you need teamwork to pass the ball to her before she can shoot a perfect goal. (btw 'goal' sounds funny... whats the term to use in netball!!?)

watching them play also reminds me very much abt my previous netball team in tj. i really enjoyed those times with them. it was my first sports team and the first time i experienced such teamwork and unity and bonding. i remembered our ups and downs. our struggles. our girlie chats. our camps. the time spent in the toilet after trainings. our tough trainings esp after coach vivien came. i remembered how we shared the experiences of our bags being stolen, of the pervert in the toilet, of birthdays celebrated.... (: i remembered their encouragements for me. i remembered the games we played. the positions we take. i remembered our runs to east coast park. the list is just endless and it'll only make me cry!

i just want to say that you guys (my tj netball team) will always have a special place in my heart. it was the first time i experienced such friendship and closeness. its like all of us are one with one goal and that is to play netball well. even though we have more or less gone on our own ways, i really really want to say THANKS for all those times that we shared. they will remain as beautiful memories in my heart. no other teams can replace this team's special place in my heart!

anyway, before my dad fetch me home, im glad i went to shoot. it feels great holding and playing with the netball. uncle xiezhuo came along and helped me get rebounds. and i felt like a professional shooter! haha. it feels great each time the ball went in! actually i miss playing netball!! i muST play next week. please get well soon!!

ohh. haha i kind of also plan to start running at least once every week, on top of running during netball trainings. as in, really go run round the track or something for a certain amt of time or distance. will i do it? stay tuned!

had my last jap tut today! but it was totally crap! lol the tutor is weird! so funny one.. the tut was only one hour today and it was like frEE time to discuss our project. cant believe it man, like so slack one. so my grp went to the library and spent the full period researching till i had to leave for my religion tut at 12. apparently i'll still have one more religion tut.... oh well. so after the tut, i went back library loh.. and like totally spent my afternoon inside there finding books, photocopying.... spent quite a few bucks on the photocopying! hope they are of use.. so today basically i devoted my time to the jap project... jiayou jiayou. dun give up! i even skipped lunch! then at 5 i had to rushed back to open the door for my sis. she had to wait for me man ): paiseh. but really, she shld check with me before making her way back mah... the other time, i was locked out too cos i didnt check with her first too... but lucky she nvr angry. thank God! she sounded angry thru sms! i was so afraid i really rushed my way back. anyway, i'll be going home tonight! yay!! dad's coming to fetch me and sis at kallang. hope to get the accounts for tax filing done like by tmr? must jiayou jiayou.
my nose still blocked!! its quite bad... dun think i'll play netball tonight but i better go down noW!!

while i was reflecting on how lazy i was for not attending friday church service... i also did some thinkings... i realized that i am 20 this year already. like past my teenage years and reaLLY going on adulthood le. and so, what have i achieve? of course what i had in mind is not that of the worldly kind of achievements.. eg medals, awards, scholarships, skills... but i meant achievements in the name of GOD. i mean, i am already 20. judging from my weak health, say i live till 80, its already 1/4 of my life on this earth gonE. even if i live till im 100, its 1/5 gone. what have i done for Him? like, zero. nothing.

What abt you, fellow Christians? what have you done for Him? If you are able to list out at least a few things, then good for you. at least if He were to come tmr, you will have things to report to Him about. I probably go "aaaahhhh...errr.... ....."

i always blame it on my family, thinking that since they are non-believers, the time is not yet right for me to work for Him. but is this really the case or am i just taking the easy way out using a "people-will-see-it-as-justified" excuse? people will probably respond and say " yea... but dun worry, God will give you a time to work for Him." but is this really my case?

it seems that if i really want to work for God, i can always do it, even now. it just really requires a step of faith on my part. whether i believe that God will make a way out for me.

So, can we really blame it on a lack of support for our lack of zeal? whether the situation is a lack of peers in church or a non-believing family, can we really blame these situations for us not being able to serve God?

I believe that support is very important. that is why God always stresses on fellowship in the Bible. Fellowship with fellow God's servants strengthens our faith and enables us to strive even further. Through love, it reminds us of God's love. Thru discussions and debates, it teaches us humility that God would like to see in us. when one shld be at fault but repent abt it, it also teaches us mercy and to always forgive. having the right support in church allows us to grow spiritually together.

but even if one doesnt have that kind of support, does he/she just resign to her fate and not grow? definitely not. i believe that God gives to each of us our circumstances as we are deemed to be able to handle. He will not give us what we cannot handle. so perhaps if one happened to have a lot of support network with regards to one's faith, it could be that God understands your weakness and God's grace for the person is that he may not fall away but grow with these support and help him. on the other end, if one doesnt have support at all, perhaps God sees your strength and is putting you to the test to see if you can grow spiritually without depending on these human support but to depend on Him. i guess God's grace for each individual is different, according to one's needs as God sees it. He knows everything and surely He knows what we need most.

of course i often murmur abt my lack of support in my faith. i have a non-believing family. in church, there isnt many who i can really talk and share my thoughts with. and i know that this is a test from God. in fact, i often feel that He put me into many tests. and the solution to each one was often to just rely and trust in Him. its that simple. but most times, i failed. so i began to see that God really wants to build me up in my faith and i believe that He is doing this because He wants to use me in His work one day. i mean, when Paul began his ministry for God, it must have been very difficult as well. i mean he used to persecute Christians along with his peers and co-workers then. then suddenly after God opened his eyes and he began his ministry for God, he had to turn against friends he had. it must be very very painful and difficult. and many a times, he simply relied on God to give him strength. but of course, support and fellowship helped him as well. and He became a great servant of God.

i always always dream of becoming a great servant of God. haha. i hope to join in many many church work. but it seems like im just daydreaming abt it but not doing anything concrete!! im already 20. how much longer do i want to wait? youths younger than me are already going overseas to help with the church work there. do i simply blame it on circumstances that i cant go? that i cant do church work?

i cant think of any biblical examples (if anyone knows, do tell me abt it) but im positive that if one has the heart to do work for God, God will open the way for him. and churchwork is as simple as preaching to friends or sweeping the church hall.

The basic task of a Christian
God basically has given all Christians two tasks to do before His second coming and i hope for all fellow Christians to achieve. the two tasks are 1) to tend to the flock ie God's house, 2) to bring people into the flock ie to preach. are you currently doing these? Do you think that simply going to church every week constitutes what it means to be a Christian? Do you think that simply singing praises to God and trying to keep awake during sermons are sufficient to be considered a Christian? I do not wish for you to be misled by what the world see as the standard for being a Christian. Before Jesus ascend back to heaven after the resurrection, he gave the standard if one were to be considered his disciple. He said to preach the gospels to the world. therefore, the one thing that defines a Christian is to PREACH. preaching is not something that only the evangelical denominations do. it is a commandment from Jesus to ALL Christians.

of course, i am guilty of not preaching as well. i know that it is often easier said than done. but if one really loves God and can see that we are really indebted to God, then one shld really start to repay God by doing more for God.

We shld have all been dead. but Jesus paid the ransom with His blood. we often see in drama serials how after one was saved by another, he will say to the person "you saved my life and therefore this life isnt mine to live anymore and is yours." This is exactly what we shld say to God and our lives shld be God-centred as well. everything we do shld be for Him and for the kingdom to come. This doesnt mean that God is selfish and doesnt let us have our own life as we want it. We also cannot say it is not fair. if you were drowning, someone saves you, will you say that it is "not fair" because now you are obliged to repay the person. of course not! similarly, you shld be more than willing to live your life for God.

of course, this doesnt work for people who dun believe that we are "dead" to begin with, who dun believe that man had sinned against God. this entry im writing for fellow believers. i'll try to write to edify non-believers next time. (:

i think i should stop here. many thoughts are still running through my head but i cant quite put them into words. i just hope that God will grant each of us strength to live our life for Him, especially those who truly loves God. Hope my entry helped you in some way. (:

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."
2 Corinthians 9:8

waaah today is a super sleeeepy day. i really dunno why. i wanted to spend the day's free periods to study my stats de. ended up having to copy today's lect notes instead because i practically slpt thru it. hai... right after stats lect at 10am, i also napped for an hour before lunching with dear tsun. then after my religion lect at 4pm, i went find tsun at yih and poor girl waited for me to finish copying her notes. she even dozed off!! *thanks, dear!!!* then i thought i could finally go back to room and rest.... but when i got to my room, the first thing i see (or didnt see) is my sis's slippers are not around. the door, of course, is locked. my sis is not back yet!!!! and she didnt even bother to tell me la.. hai. i waited at the bench table next to my room, doing yonghao's survey in the meantime.. finally i decide to go to biz and get the key frm her. SiGh. but i called up mom to complain. haha.. sigh. so yep, i just got back to room. tired and caNT bReathE. my nose had been blocked like the eNtirE day. ): hai... lazy me decide not to go church tonight... but this is bad.... i think im slowly growing tolerance to not going for church services le. i caNT do ThIS to God!!! sigh. but i cant help it... i'll be late already anyway.. plus my stomach is aching again... sigh..

so what have i done today? --> basically nothing. since i didnt get to read stats textbk. what i did was copy lecture notes frm tsunting which wouldnt have to happen if i didnt sleep in lect or miss lect. hai. i bring this upon myself. wasting my own time!

i just discovered something shocking and saddening! i thought that all along i've got my friend's (joyce) number in my phonebook but turn out, i didnt! i must have lose it somehow along the way... sad! cos you see, things are complicated man.... she's in my jap tutorial!!! and we've had like a few tutorials together alr. but i NEVER got round to talking to her! and she didnt come to talk to me as well. im pretty sure she knows its me too! sigh! initially i didnt go up to her cos its been like YEARS since we really met and i really didnt know how to start talking to her! we were like "best friends" in p3.. i kept telling myself after each tut that "nvm, i'll just sms and start the conversation that way.." only today that i realised i dun have her number! aaahhhh so.... how? next tut i must talk to her!...

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is that people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is that people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

"Faith is a journey, not a destination."

i've finished it! i've finished it! haha... the last thing that was on my continued list of things to do (remember i had 3 tests and a outline to hand in last week? so this is a continuation of my agony. after i hand in this religion term paper, i can finally breathe for a while!). yep yep, it wasnt well done i know. more like a literature review, very little arguments.. but then i also really dunno how to argue.. plus i was rushing to finish it! haven got the mood to think so much!! turn out that i exceeded the word limit.. i hope my tutor doesnt mind...): well well i better rush off now. got to bind before handing it in!!! Hope that all goes well.. if i can get a B, i'll be happy enough (: jiayou.. *pray hard*

woaah.. last night i fell sick. ):

when i went back to my room to rest, i alr felt a little unwell... i slept for abt 45min and went for my religion lecture at 2. i was alr having flu for the past 2 days or so... when i went for the lecture, i felt cold.. went back straight to room to rest after the lecture. felt sick.. and went to nap.. covered myself under the blanket. this went on until night time. i was planning to celebrate my mom's birthday but in the end, i spoilt it cos i was too sick. my dad fetch sis and me back home at abt 8.. i felt like vomiting.. and got a bad headache as well.. i cant help but break down.. i felt helpless and my sis wasnt helping me..

back home, i went straight to bed. i felt cold but was perspiring.. plus my headache was unbearable..plus my bones were aching... i was pretty much left alone until after midnight when my mom was back home. but thanks edwin for bringing me water and tissue...

when my mom was back, i really couldnt take it any more.. i just sat in a corner in my room and cried.. at that point, i didnt know what to do. whether to force myself to sleep (which i've been doing for hours), or to bathe or see doctor... or what?! my headache was killing me again.. i felt that nothing's gonna help. my mom then came into the room, felt my forehead.. gave me fever medicine.. spread the mattress on the floor for me to sleep.. prepared a pail in case i need to vomit.. brought a wet towel to place on my forehead.. and massaged my body esp the joints with muscle cream to relieve the bone ache.. i think that mothers are still the best. i felt better and i lie down to sleep.. and thank God, i managed to wake up today feeling better. the headache's gone. still slight feverish though but by faith, i decided to go for sabbath service still.

God, heal me soon ok? i need to be well.. there are still things waiting for me to be done. i will try to be good and sleep early every night plus drink more water..

right now, my stomach's not feeling well.. got diarrhea like that again.. my charcoal medicine's in school ): but today, my mom made fruit juice for us. (: and her dinner was nice (: yum. i went to buy her one slice of cake. heh. hope she can feel my love!

yesterday during lunch, vivien asked abt him.. when i was trying to recall when was the last time we met up, i know that tsunting was concerned. she asked how come he can go home everyday yet we dun meet up often.. hmmm. its kind of like a pact that we made.. its quite hard to explain to pple and might be hard for outsiders to understand. but it is something we agreed upon. moreover, we are both so busy.. me with schoolwork. him with churchwork. but i guess, yes, i would appreciate more concern coming from him esp when i was sick.. i believe he was very concerned and worried. but i guess he always dun show enough. well, then i guess i can only know when Jesus comes again then.

term paper due on monday. i have got to start man. sigh... and gonna miss youth sports and games day tmr again! sad. but i better rest more... everyday's a HOT day. ):

oh! its aubrey's brithday too! happy birthday!

i think im falling sick... not enough water i think. my hostel room is experiencing like shortage of water. drought man. i need water!!! anyone, please send me water as gifts!! lol. i also lacking sleep..... lacking quality sleep to be exact.
hai.. my stats test 2 was just over... well, at least i went for it.. i was experiencing helplessness and hopelessness when i was making my way to the lt. i didnt feel like going but i know i have to... ok what triggered everything was perhaps my sis.. i know she is also having a hard time.. but i always feel that she is unkind to me, her blood sister. she always make sure she dun stand at the losing end. thats how i feel..
whereas i feel that im always giving in. when she ask me to share the hostel room with her, i didnt mind much. ok, maybe i was thinking of trying hostel life myself in the first place. but i was also thinking of it as a favour to her. since one person stay is too expensive, i thought i just help her out a little..
then since we are both staying together alr, shldnt we work to make this a good experience? i know it isnt fair that i have been holding on to the key this few days... but it was the best way so that both can benefit mah. hai.. i feel that she's always only looking out for herself. self-centred way of life? she's also more friends-oriented than family-oriented.. hai whereas for me, i feel sad that my family might be disintegrating minute by minute..
my sis just told me that if i want to back out frm hostel, its fine with her and that its better this way. hai. ok, i was murmuring abt why did i even agree to share in the first place while i went out for the test.. i was feeling that i dun even have support from my sis. im alr feeling sad over my stats yet she was unfeeling and didnt want give me the key. so, she sms me that msg and i said 'i'll think abt it' i also didnt want to lose. i didnt want to appear vulnerable i guess. humans are all like that. hai. so how? shld i really back out from it?
i sure hope we forget abt it like later... sigh. i mean siblings always argue and have conflicts one mah. and the next day everything is forgotten. i hope this is no exception.
anyway, im back in the room. better go catch a wink or two.. today's my mom's birthday! i hope we get to celebrate as a family. go dinner or something...

aaaahhhhh... social psych test was quite bad... lots of application questions... and i wonder if i can even do decently! :S actually before the test, i already was adopting a take-it-easy attitude le.. i managed to study three chapters of the text and i managed to go thru all the lecture notes during jap lecture before the test. so i thought i shld be able to manage.. was optimistic. but. arrggh. was quite depressed right after the test esp when friends were discussing... i wonder why i became the weaker one in terms of academic among my peers now? i thought i used to be the li hai one.. the smarter one.. haha.. i guess it wont stay that way always... but anyway, as im writing this, im beginning to see hope again.. i might not do that badly for tmr's stats if i can study finish the text! can one!! jiayou!!

ohhh.. and im fortunate because i got friends who care abt my well-being.. thanks, vivien.. thanks chin ru. seeing you just now made me feel better!

during JS1101E lecture just now, "Mother Teresa of Japan", Hatsume Sato, an elderly japanese lady came as a guest! i think she's over 80 years of age already but she still look so healthy and happy. she's really quite an inspiration to me! would really love to try her riceballs... haha. She kinda lifted my anxiety over my tests as well.. made me question why am i striving so hard over academic stuffs when there's so much more to explore and do out there in the world.. ya.. i know and agree that yes, shld get a degree first no matter what but really, singapore system is abit wasting our time? i mean pple can go into uni at the age of like 17 overseas!!? im like 20 already and still doing my first year in uni!!? what abt the guys!!? poor thing man..

haha anyway, just felt fortunate i got to meet Ms Sato. i wish her all the best!
now, jiayou and work hard!

someone steal my sis's bag.. in it is her beloved handphone.. and most importantly got our hostel key and her matric card! now things get complicated becos now our room lock gonna change and stuffs.. arggh. i dun understand why pple must steal. my entire bag was stolen before too, only to find all my stuffs in a big trash collection bin but missing my wallet and phone. it was also during training. so guys, please look after your stuffs when ya having your trainings!! bad guys prey on people having their trainings... ):
trying to be optimistic, my sis say 'whenever something bad happens, something good is gonna come'.. well, she found it hard to believe in it herself. but i believe everything happened for a reason. God has it all planned out, perfectly. i know i sound silly. how can your things being stolen end up to be something good? ha.. i guess its how much you trust God.. We should trust in Him.
i really hope the baddie will return her stuffs to her soon? seems unlikely.. my sis hopes that its a trick that someone play on her. ha, i felt that way too when my bag(together with two others') was lost. i thought it was funny! lol. sigh... i guess everyone gets their chance of their things being stolen. haha. so, wait for your turn la if you haven experience such a thing. lol.
i hope the baddie dun upload my sis's files online man... i'll track the person down if he/she dares!!! haha all my sis's zi lian photos....:X
well.. i'll meet the baddie on the last day. and i'll see God's fair judgment then. But may God have mercy and grace for all as well..

when i was doing my abnormal test just now... i cant help but wonder why was i so anxious and frustrated over just a mere test... i was thinking what had made me lose my direction and senses and imagined that the test (and a few others) was my everything? as though it was my life? i mean, its probably just a small insignificant part of my entire life! i probably wont recall this in old age! what had cloud my perceptions so much so that i thought of dying!!?
In psychological sense, i understood what it must be like for people who feel that they are like 'trapped'. i understood how they perceive themselves as helpless or even hopeless. its something that they themselves cant help it. they just cant see it! what they see is a dead end. and no U-turns! its really that terrible. sometimes, they recover on their own, the sun is up and they see the road ahead again.
In christianity sense, this is yet another test frm God. He wouldnt let me endure more than i can bear. He wouldnt let me go insane. He wouldnt leave me to die. But its a test whether I have learnt to rely and trust in Him. Have i? Did i pass?

i think for my case, it was God who knocked me into my senses again. somehow, i saw that my anxiety and frustration was no use. and that i shldnt even be letting such things take over my life. besides assignments, deadlines, tests, there are other things that i must still attend to in life!

i think i pass. but i didnt pass with distinctions. Just got to keep trying and to love God more.

the test, well i barely studied half of what im supposed to study only. haha. but at least still got chance. its a MCQ test. i also understood God's grace in letting me score so well for my first abnormal test. Its so that even if i did badly for this one, the overall result wont be that disastrous. He has prepared beforehand. :)

i feel so much like screaming i hate God. i just dun understand His plans for me. im struggling everyday with school work. this is not what i want. i know that i am not smart. i know that i've got through each exams by His grace. He gave me the good grades. He made every step up the academic ladder possible and even perhaps i would say, easy for me.
But i know i am stupid. i cant manage my time well. i am rigid and stubborn. i have my abnormal test tmr but i only read one chapter out of four. im still struggling with my religion term paper outline. the first time im attempting to write a term paper. but still, its taking too much of my time! its just a outline, my goodness. but i want to do it well so that perhaps when i actually get down to writing it, it'll be easier. i feel so so helpless and scared right now. nothing will help me now. i cant cry. i cant scream. i cant sleep. i need time. i dun think i can sleep tonight alr. i want to do well for my abnormal one. the first test i did not bad (by God's grace, again) and i dun feel like wasting it. hai. but what to do now?

Why am i always so reliant on people? i just want attention, dun i? Am i so deprived of attention when i was young? i can never be independent... even though i may look like i am. well, im always walking around on campus alone... most of the time at least.

At times like this, i really want to return to God. i cant take all these stresses in life, you know. i have a simple mind.

i better go back to finish my stuffs. please pray for me that God may have mercy on me.

i feel so much like crying.. everything was just fine. i had fun at netball. played THREE times WD. lol. but then just only, my mom called and reminded me that i got to help my dad do the tax thing again. i hate it loh. totally detest it. why must it be me? its so hard to be me. to be a goodie two shoes..
but its so that i may glorify God. sometimes i just wish i didnt have to be good. but then i have to be. so that people may see God in me. so that people might see the change in my life when i have God with me. Believing in God is an internal struggle. i feel so much like screaming and crying out loud right now. but i cant. i have to swallow it all down. or ask God to take it away.. its like why must I be the one to do it? why not my sis? ok, maybe my bro is too young to know how to do it but why not my sis? why they have to assumed it will be me? isnt this also an eg of i give them one inch they want a yard? my aunt has been doing it for my dad for years. but last yr, i helped her because she just had a baby. and i guess this yr and the years ahead, im the one to do it le.
i really feel like crying now. why am i always full of burden...? one after another, they just come clinging onto me.. i need to bREATHE. God, pls dun do this to me. i need to rest.....
why cant my pa employ someone to do it? i really dunno how to do.. neither does my sis. not even sure if my aunt gonna help this time round. she's busy with her own family liao.. shldnt be selfish too.. hai. why is my family not the typical nice happy kind? why arent my parents the working employees kind? nobody believe that i am poor. i have nothing. i only have my hope in my God.

Close relationship presentation is over!!!! i think it went well! Thanks GOD! Hallelujah! it was like a talk show like of thing.. i hope we entertained the class as well as presented our research well. (: ok la initially i was being a worrier again. i guess i am really too dependent already. must learn what it means to be independent and being responsible for myself!! i really haven learn all these man.. its like i realise i cant decide on my own part myself? i kept asking for opinions and stuffs. i wasnt sure what I want to do myself, how the script shld go etc... i must have look really soft and vulnerable and without a mind of my own? sigh.. maybe it has got to do with my own attachment style that i developed from young. hah...

oh and i think im really a over-perfectionist? well, in some sense? cos like i didnt like it when things dun go according as planned. but really the impromptu part of the whole skit is the fun part what!! sigh maybe im just being proud and arrogant. haha wanting evrything to go MY way. heh. well, unless you are able to let me see YOUR way. like really be patient with me and explaining to me. im really slow. i need to see the whole picture before you can win me over. haha i guess this is good and bad. good as in i really want to understand things inside out first before i make any conclusion and so im really sincere and not like just fu1 yan2. bad because i appear to be stubborn..

hmm too much digression.. but in any case, im happy to work with my groupmates... to get to know yet another bunch of people better. (: and im GLAD that another thing is off my list of TO-DOs!! pHew! thank God!

Oh.. also got to talk to Deborah.. yet another fellow Christian that God allowed me to meet. must cherish the chance to work for God. really admire Deb too for taking the time to really serve Him. jiayou!

Gotta run for netball training now. i shall train tonight! (:

heeeyyy... im feeling upset over stats again. sigh. just had the tutorial but i dun even understand what was really going on. whats correlation? whats regression? aaahhhhhhHH. i need a tutor!! who is so kind to teach me.... but i dun even have time for that! my days are fully scheduled until the 2oth liao. got 3 tests coming up that i haven start to study. im quite dead. plus religion term paper. oh gosh. tmr's close r/s presentation, i hope it'll go well. GOD, u must help me. i dun want to go back to feeling depressed. i want to trust in You. I know You have the power to make the impossible POSSIBLE. SO, please teach me to rely on You. jiayou, girl. :]

netballuXion 2006 is officially over! the event looks quite a success and im glad. :) learned a lot from this experience, and im also glad to share this experience with my fellow com members in netball recre. even though i know that i dun click with them so well... but im really happy to meet them and work with them. it has really been an experience.. got to work with many different kinds of people with different working styles. not to say who is right or wrong, but sometimes different working styles may cause displeasure and conflict between people..

i wish to apologise for my poor attitude at today's event.. esp at the start.. i was frustrated over the messiness of the registration and did show some annoyance and bad attitude.. some might have noticed.. but some might have not. but in any case, i probably wun get a chance to apologise face-to-face le so if anyone of u happen to read this, well, im sorry.. esp to chin ru, im not sure if she was er dao at me.. she seems very easy-going and even nonchalant at times, but im just paranoid that she might be.

another main issue during netballuxion was that i felt that i was purposely overworked and given many tasks to complete. these thoughts probably came because prior to the event today, when we were discussing last night, i might have come across as bossy? like trying to gain power over the whole thing or something...? the fact is, yes, i raised a lot of questions and tried my best to make sure that everything that shld be settled is settled.. basically i probe my nose into all things la i guess. they gave me the feeling that they didnt like it and i start imagining them talking behind my back like "she's only an assistant treasurer, what does she think she's doing?" etc. ): i guess im really oversensitive and overly worried as to what people might think of me. i guess i really want people to like me, as me. basically i felt persecuted today, even though i myself wanted to give my all for the event. i had to take care of registration, money collection, updates of the schedule list, update scores, sell T-shirts, prepare prize presentation, help people to get this and get that... hai.. i cried. but i dun think anyone saw or knew.
but if i were to think abt it carefully, perhaps the attitude that i thought people were giving me was because they themselves were busy or stressed at the moment. i also didnt always greet everyone smilingly. i also had moments whereby i replied them in a rush, harsh tone when asked abt something during the time when i am busy. so its the same, isnt it? people were also having a hard time, like you. people were also doing all sorts of things. even if not, even if u were really doing mOrE, then take it as storing treasures in heaven. God saw it and He took note of it and He will surely reward you in due time.. as long as you did it willingly with a pure sincere heart.
But i find Xie Zhuo to be very kind to me, like an older brother, or well, uncle. heh. Whether in action or in speech, he was gentle and appears to guide me like a senior does. he attempt to teach me stuffs, asked me how i thought abt the whole event etc. it seems as though he knew i cried or something or like how i really felt towards the event (wanting to make it a success but over doing it?). in any case, thanks, xie zhuo!

Well... something that we had all worked so hard for has come to an end. it always seems unreal at times like this. i just really hope everyone who had a part in it really appreciated and enjoyed this experience! Thank you people for all the hard work. *give each one a pat on your shoulder!! And of course, thank you, God. It wouldn't have veen possible without you. Thank you for the good weather, for keeping us all safe with no mishaps, for giving us the wisdom and strength thru'out the event!

Must celebrate netballuXion 2006's success soon!


Flashback memories
yesterday when i was with vivien during our free periods, we were chatting and i somehow came to the topic of me almost drowning when i was in sec1. I seriously could have died then. i remembered vividly the scene i saw while struggling in the pool. my friend was grabbing me and pushing me into the water again and again so as to stay afloat. i tried to open my mouth and say " hey, calm down. and i'll bring you safely back to the side.." but i had no chance! i remembered it felt very long and i finally came to the thought of giving up.. i was just drinking water and my oxygen level was getting lower and lower.. couldnt breathe.. i told myself "ok la, give up la.." but as dramatic as it does sound, i saw a big dark figure jumping into the pool and i knew that help was here so i struggled a while more and was brought safely back to the side. Thank you, big dark man.

but vivien brought my attention to the REAL ONE that i shld be thankful of. God. we see it as God's grace for me. to allow me to continue to live so that i may one day get to know Him. and it is so true. i was still a non-believer in sec 1 and it was only in sec2 that my eyes were slowly opened and i came to believe more and more in Him. Can you also see the grace of God? i certainly pray and hope so! :) but the more funny part was that vivien exclaimed "Marilyn's a miracle!" haha because i probably shld have died then but i lived, because of God's mercy and grace. Thank you, Lord Jesus.

im so excited! starting to feel the heat! pEOpLe, ItS nEtBaLLuXioN tmr!!!! I hope everything will go smoothly.. and everyone (participants and organisers) will be happy! (: God, guide us and help us... although i'll miss sabbath.. but please be with us! so exciting!! its in like 6 hours time!? gotta run!! *muaks*!

hey... tmr is NETBALLUXION! woah.. finally. what we have been working so hard on is finally here... it feels funny in a way.. like something that seems so impossible is finally going to take place tmr. hmm... i have to admit though, that i haven done a lot for this.. i plead guilty, fellow com mates! forgive me.. but i hope pple believe me that i do care abt this event.. hav been praying abt it and also trying so hard to get more teams to join. it just so happen that im unlucky maybe, that none reply to my invitation... ): i really worry that my netball mates will dislike me or something.. thinking that i never do my part. sigh... i will do my best for the event for today and tmr. want it to be successful. i shall be humble and listen to the leader's calls and do the role that im assigned faithfully. jiayou, guys!

Just to share something that really resonates with how i feel personally.

The Best Gift

life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for a failed business venture.
You don't plan for an adulterous husband.
Or a wife who wants you out of her life.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.
Sometimes if you work hard enough,
you can get what you want.

But most times,what you want and what you get
are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.
Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans - especially when
His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger.
True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry,
but we can carry that cross with courage knowing that
God will never abandon us nor send something
we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes God sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can
learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans but understand that
we live by God's grace.

hey!! i am back from watching MUNICH. it is basically a sad show... i dun think i can comment much about the content.. too much for my simple mind to grasp (if not for him, i probably wont watch it :P) but hey, i dun regret watching it.. some violent scenes were gross.. most parts were saddening.. a few parts were actually funny. haha. it was sad for me, watching all the killings thinking that it would solve the problem and bring something to an end. but as they realised too in the movie themselves, the problem doesnt end and they just got to keep killing. Trusting people became a hard thing to do and they almost went mad being paranoid about being the hunted.
Personally, i feel that its hard to pinpoint who is at fault. whether it is the palestinian terrorists or the Israeli assassination squad.. both thought what they were doing were to restore their home, on earth. but it brought more and more problems, more and more violence instead... sigh, i guess for me, as a Christian, i view my home in heaven.. that is, my home is not in this life but in the next. my eternal home that God has prepared for me. dun get me wrong and think i hate my life now or that im probably an extremist and only care abt returning back to my heavenly home. No!.. i love my life now as well.. i love my family, people i know or met, i love my life that God has given me.. to ask me to leave now, of cos i wont be able to part with all these so easily. but its just that, my HOPE is in heaven and not on this earth. as long as we place our hope in heaven, we wont go wrong in life. establishing an earthly home is good but it will still pass away the day Jesus returns.
I pray for all these killings to stop.. instead, channel all these resources to helping the poor, starving children out there. and wait for Jesus's second coming :)

Oh!! Joyce's second letter has arrived!! so excited! and it came with a letter from DEBBY as well!! double happiness! i better go read it now!

What a nice way to end my day! and to take my mind off all my academic stuffs for a while. Thanks, dear. THanks, God!

I will lift up my eyes to the hills
From where comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD
Who made heaven and earth.
Ps 121:1-2
--verses that joyce shared with me. "remember that God can help you in everything because He CREATED everything!"